No Libido
So I'm really glad I found this thread because I feel like it's a better place for this. I've been exploring my sexuality recently due to my lack of sex drive and was questioning if I could be asexual or gray ace. I'm not sure that's quite the case as I think I've experienced sexual attraction and that really asexuality having nothing to do with libido. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years now and my lack of libido is really straining our relationship after all these years. It's not that I hate the idea of having sex with him or that I just don't want to have sex, it's like I just don't get that urge to have sex anymore and it just makes the whole experience uncomfortable for me. What's even worse is it makes my boyfriend feel like I hate having sex with him, he's told me he knows that's not the case but it's hard to not think that way. I feel awful because anytime we try to have sex, he always has to initiate it and it always ends up going nowhere as he feels he's forcing me to do it. When we first started dating, I enjoyed having sex with him but now I just don't care for sex in anyway anymore. He's been really patient and understanding all this time but I'm so worried he wont wait around for much longer while I try to figure myself out. I'm so frustrated because I want to feel that spark again and enjoy having sex but I just get so uncomfortable anytime we try now, I don't even like to talk about sex anymore either. I'm just so uncomfortable with all of it now, I'm just at such a loss as to what I should do. I'm only 24 so I really don't feel like I should be feeling like this at my age. I really just don't know what I can do to get myself interested in sex again.
My mom had the same problem and started taking certain supplements that boost libido. I’d maybe advise you to look into that. Maybe it can help you the way it helped her. I’m sorry I don’t know the name of the supplements.
If you're on birth control, I believe that can contribute to a lot of what you're feeling and maybe you could try talking to your doctor. Just remember it's not your fault, sometimes we just fall put of tune with our bodies. Maybe try taking him out of the equation on focus on yourself and exploring yourself, have you tried reading explicit romance novels or fanfiction? Investing in toys is also an option to help yourself. Also sex doesn't always have to mean intercourse, maybe exploring different ways of pleasure could help, without it leading to intercourse that you're uncomfortable with.
My boyfriend has suggested getting off birth control to see if that helps but I'm way too scared to. I had brought it up to my doctor and I got blood work to check my hormone levels but it's all normal. I'm guessing that means it's more of a mental thing then. I am still in college so I have a lot of stress from trying to keep up in my classes on top of working and trying to take care of myself. I have read explicit fanfics before, I actually really enjoy them if they follow like a whole romance arch. It has led to some passionate nights with my boyfriend but with how stressed I am now, I don't feel like I have any time for anything other than work and school. What's most difficult is my boyfriend always wants it to lead to intercourse and I think that's what puts me off the most. I'll offer to just give him oral but he'll still keep asking if more will come out of it. I feel bad because doing something so intimate you'd think I'd want to do more but that urge just isn't there, it almost feels like another task in my day that I have to check off my list. Honestly I really don't even masturbate anymore, I just have no interest in it or really ever have the feeling to anymore. Really it's like sex has lost all its spark to me, I just dont find any enjoyment in it anymore.
1) You're 24. There's plenty of sex life left in you. I have 60 year old cousins still going at it like rabbits. You're good!
2) You've been together for 6 years. If you're living together, that can make the sex go downhill too. It's the nature of being in a long-term relationship, especially when there's stress.
3) Where's the poop? (To coin a phrase from one of my favorite sitcoms) Is there stress not being addressed between the two of you. Is there some obvious problem staring you in the face that you're not admitting to?
4) It could simply be a matter of you losing interest in your partner emotionally. Same thing happened with me and my husband, whom I'm separated from. We have 2 kids between us, and around year 4 or 5 of our marriage we stopped having sex and stopped sleeping together.
These are all factors I've considered especially since I was a lot more interested in sex at the beginning of the relationship. I mean I feel like I still love him and really couldn't imagine my life without him. Everything else in our relationship is going fine, it's just sex where all the stress is coming from now. Honestly I'm not sure if I'd have more of a libido in a new relationship, and even if I do wouldn't it just die down again? It doesn't seem worth it to me to lose someone I feel so strongly about right now just to figure out my sexuality. I have realized there's probably a lot of psychological factors that's are probably hindering my libido as well besides just being in a long term relationship. I'm very stressed trying to finish up college, I have about 2 years left, I have low self esteem right now from gaining weight over the past few years, and I'm super focused on making a future for us. Though if it's all this stress causing me to have a low libido, will I ever get it back if I'm always stressed? I have addressed all this with my boyfriend and we're going to work on losing weight as it's the one thing he can help me with. I'm just so scared that there's nothing I can do to get my libido back and I'm going to end up losing my boyfriend. I'm his only sexual partner and long term relationship so I don't blame him for wanting to find out what else is out there while we're still young. He's been very patient since this has become more of a problem and like I said he's going to try to help the best he can, but I'm just so afraid that there might be nothing to fix this.
It can be fixed. The key to it is confidence. You need to tell yourself everything will be okay, because it will. If you're not grossly overweight, then perhaps it's a after of learning to feel comfortable in this present body.
If you want to lose weight, do it. You must work hard at it and remain disciples. Be careful of overeating, and eating too much of things that add to the weight, like sugar and carbs. Don't cut the out, but limit them. Eating small portions frequently throughout the day, and not eating after 5-6 will help immensely. Staying physically active will also help, but you need to do more than what you're used to right to see results.
For example.. I worked as a chef this summer. It's a very physically demanding job. I worked that as my second job. The nature of the job doesn't allow opportunities to eat while you work (Not a whole meal, but very light snacking). I didn't eat past 3 pm every day. I lost 25 pounds in 2 months. This is a little extreme for the average person, and not recommended. But I was intensely physically active until 9 pm every night, so not eating past 3 allowed me to burn off the extra fat stores.
What I'm saying is... weight loss requires a LOT of self discipline and positive encouragement. It can be done, but you can't let yourself get down because you "think" you won't succeed. You need to tell yourself you "WILL" succeed, no matter what. And weightloss takes TIME..... so you need patience.
You have 2 years of school left. If you feel like you need to back off some on your classes, do it if you can. I'm taking 3 classes online. 4 classes is way too much for me, because I'm also working 30-40 hours a weeks and have a 7-year old to take care of. Give yourself something to do to help yourself relax during your "you" time. Take a long, hot shower or soak in a tub for a while (if you have one) with a good book. Watch an episode or two of your favorite TV show.
Most of all.... be patient. The results you're wanting won't happen RIGHT NOW. Just manage your time wisely, and make time to take care of yourself... and relax.
Thank you, this really made me feel a lot better. I'm so focused on trying not to lose my boyfriend that I'm losing sight that all this is to help me. I think just I'm sacred of how long it could take to feel better about myself and sex. I know my boyfriend genuinely wants to have a life with me so he's absolutely going to help me and stick with me through this difficult process. I guess it's once we go through all of this and there's still no improvement in my libido, then it would be time for the difficult conversation. Though this is just my anxiety for trying to prepare for something that might not even happen. I guess I just didn't realize how much being unhappy with yourself and being stressed can affect your libido. My boyfriend and I are going to start making some adjustments over my winter break like a better diet and some kind of exercise, it's just hard to keep this up when you're a busy college student living on your own, I just don't feel like I have time to take care of myself. But here's to hoping for the best and hopefully bettering mine and my boyfriend's lives in more ways than just the bedroom.
You're welcome 😊
You have time to care for yourself. You must manage your time wisely. It's difficult, especially if you're attending school full time. But it can be done. Ask for suggestions from advisors on how to better manage your time. Maybe walk or ride a bike between classes instead of driving a car.
You must accept yourself for who you are. See the positive in everything. Love yourself. Let your boyfriend love you, and accept it. Appreciate it.
Don't let lack of sex be the end of your relationship, especially if Your stress is causing You to have a lack of libido, not him. Having a healthy sexual relationship is good, but so is having healthy emotional fulfillment. When your emotions are healthy, your sex will be healthy. If you are the cause of your stress, admit it, fix it and move forward. Don't dwell on it, or you'll make it worse.
Be Patient. This will take time (several months) to resolve. It takes a month to change a routine or habit and stick with it. Take it slowly... one step at a time. All the changes you want don't need to happen all at once. Doing so will cause stress also.
