Sex, social anxiety, and loneliness

Hi there,

I've never had a relationship. I'm a virgin, and I was assaulted a few years ago. Understandably, I'm not into casual sex, at least for the present time .

In the past, when I was making out with someone I had a sort of dissociation/out of body experience where I was enjoying things ok physically but felt incredibly emotionally alone and hurt. It was almost traumatic. I even cried after making out, because I felt so alone. I think the main thing is I really want to feel close to someone emotionally instead of/before physical encounters. Emotional intimacy is something I really want, but struggle with sometimes due to SA. I often hide how I really feel or feel afraid to bring it up. I sometimes have that feeling of loneliness even simply from a coffee date when we are just having a conversation. I feel frustrated with myself for not saying something, and I have a "cat's got your tongue" type of feeling. Sometimes even when I do talk I feel like the person still doesn't understand or will never understand. I'm hoping practicing telling someone how I feel with a patient partner will help, and taking it slow while checking in emotionally would be great. I think it would be wise to maybe take longer to find a good, well-matched partner and make sure to avoid/block any toxic, pushy or noncompatible people.

Love,
Day