So scared to initiate sex
Hi all. I'm 26 and in my first relationship since a year back. J is the only one I have ever had sex with. I love our sex, he's great in so many ways, but feel like I want to have it more often. Right now it's sparse.
The thing is, I'm too scared to initiate sex when I feel aroused. I just freeze like a deer in headlights let my feelings cool down. And even though I really wanna just take him right then and there, some deep rooted fear stops me. I cant even show him how hot i think he is, or how much i long to make love to him. He always initiates and I'm so happy when he does I could burst.
I'm unsure why I'm like this. I love sex. I love him. But I'm so unsure of myself. Maybe it's a deep rooted fear of rejection. That he will say no and I will be hurt. Or a fear of wanting too much.
I really need help. I want to be the one to just take action. I want to try new things. Why am I so scared?
@Vikingsoup - Hey there, thanks for sharing your story here - I know it's not easy to open up! It's understandable to be a bit skittish about being the one to initiate (especially as I think often society sets these expectations that men are always sex-hungry and women should wait), but it sounds like you really want to be able to take steps to initiate. I agree with the fact that communication is key, and often talking about your desires not in the moment can make it a little easier out of the moment.
Another thought on working towards initiating might be to think of it less as an all or nothing. If initiating sex feels like a lot right now, could you start by initiating affection in other, smaller ways and build towards it? Or could you think about what the block is to initiating and work on ways to slowly tear that down?
I think there are a lot of things that might help, but what's important is finding the right answer for you. And I think you've already taken the first step by being honest about what you're feeling.
If you ever want to talk about it, don't hesitate to reach out to me! :)
Hello everyone!!
First of all, I commend you for opening up about your problem because I am currently facing the EXACT problem. I love my boyfriend to death and I love having sex its never a problem. But when it comes to initiating, I suck. I don't know why I am this way but I can't help it. I could be horny out of this world and super wet but like you said I will freeze like a deer in headlights and it all becomes a waste.This is something that has been bothering me for some time and has gotten me quite down in the dumps. My bf has a high sex drive but because of my lack to initiate sometimes I feel like I'm not doing enough for him. Sometimes I even have a hard time looking him in the eye while having sex and it has nothing to do with him or how i feel about him. It may be some self shame or insecurity but I don't know what it is deep down that keeps me from freely being openly sexual. Its tearing me up and its affecting our relationship. I hope someone sees this and has some kind of encouragement or insight because I am stumped on how to help it and i'm tearing up as I'm typing and thinking about it.....
@braveDay4317 this is exactly how my situation is. And I really hope someone will help or give some insights. It's really getting me down
@Vikingsoup @BraveDay4317 - I posted above and am happy to chat with either of you if you're interested. I think that these are natural feelings and it can be hard to push through them if you're trying to go full force into something you're completely uncomfortable with, but taking smaller steps could help. Whether that means initiating smaller acts of intimacy/affection or perhaps practicing while having sex to initiate something there - changing positions, being the one to remove clothing, etc. Slowly moving in that direction may be more helpful than trying to get there all at once.
It can also be really helpful to talk to your partner about these concerns so that they know what you're feeling and can try to be more perceptive when you might be trying but struggling to make a big action.
Good luck to both of you!
@Vikingsoup @BraveDay4317 hi both, I'm having the exact same issue :( i understand every word, its exact how i feel in every way. Have you overcome this? Is there any steps or tips you can recommend? Really want to overcome this! Thank you!!
Maybe it's about the feeling of being wanted and desired being a priority for you? as in, you need to feel you're being seeked and the person you're with loves and craves you, otherwise you avoid initiating?
So, maybe it's a matter of needing some reassuranxe that actually expressing your desires, lust, craving and fantasies wouldn't make you any less valued or loved? :)
Just arandom thought.. good luck luv <3
