casual relationships ruin me
TW for sexual trauma
I can’t do casual sex or friends with benefits anymore because I always get hurt. In my mind sex and romantic feelings are too interlaced to ever do it casually. I only have sex with people who I feel I have chemistry with, who I would be interested in dating. But guys don’t make it clear until maybe two or three dates in that they’re only looking for casual sex- by which time I’ve already slept with them at least once or twice.
but I am too lonely to ever stand up for myself and say “no thanks, I don’t want that. I’m looking for a romantic relationship.” And so I just settle for fwb, because emotionless sex is better than being completely alone. And then a few weeks later they dump me or ghost me.
its happened to me multiple times now, the only time it was different is when I was casually with a guy for two months, who told me he loved me, and I fell in love with him back only for him to say I’m not what he wants in a partner.
at this point I only feel wanted for my body. no sexual abuse has ever happened to me in these situations, it’s all been consensual, but nonetheless I feel used and dehumanised by having experienced this multiple times.
I don’t know what to do. I can’t look at myself undressed anymore because I feel like crying from shame.
@leptopoma
what is in the past is the past ........ you can only change the future...
while there may be things we wish we could change in past once you let go of that and focus on what is ahead... do not let the past rob you of the present ...... let go of shame it does not do anything but trap you in the past.
you will need to be strong and realize casual does not solve your loneliness ... i do not even think some relationships solve that but when i embraced myself as my best friend it really helped.
Just so you know, you DO have value. What happened then, was in the past as another member stated prior.
Keep moving forward and know that you're worthy and deserving of love. It may take some time, but there is a diamond in the rough out there for you who will treat you like the queen you are with respect, love, & compassion. I recommend working on your boundaries and learning about them: The 7 Types Of Boundaries In Relationships For A Stronger Bond I would also recommend search up "unhealthy boundaries" as well, to see what it looks like when someone is trying to push those boundaries.
Also, I can definitely relate to your situation, but slightly different.
After I left my abusive long-term ex/little one's father, I dated my brother's best friend right after and he crossed too many boundaries, now that I'm thinking about it. He lead me on and never loved me. I was just used for money and saw me as "option B" if the (many) other women he dated didn't work out (he was a player). "Dated" for close to a year and he randomly ghosted me to bang some other chick. He tried talking to me again, I wished him well and blocked him.
After that, I THOUGHT I wanted a casual relationship/FWBs but...The 2 people I had a casual relationship with(at separate times) were more attached to me, and I wasn't to them. Again, they crossed some boundaries. They also said they "loved" me too quickly, wanted to make me their GF and meet their family and too "touchy" or "gropey". There was also some sexual stuff that made me uncomfortable.
I broke it off with them and realized FWB wasn't for me. One side usually feels hurt.
Furthermore, there's nothing to be ashamed about. You're OK friend, you did nothing wrong.
I remember feeling somewhat similar, feeling broken and "used".
In a way it's GOOD that we went through these experiences, because it helps us know what we DO and do NOT want. We learnt it through experience first hand, and that's OK. You're not less of a person, we're only human, and humans are NOT flawless. Our flaws actually add to our charm. We also keep improving on our situations to become better.
Take your time with relationships, don't rush.
Treat it like a friendship first and wait awhile before sex (since you're looking for a serious relationship). It's understandable feeling lonely. Perhaps you can suggest cuddling, and if they try to make moves, just let them know you're not interested at this time and keep cuddling instead.
I ended up finding myself a diamond after wading through...well...trash.
Good luck, I'm cheering for you that you find what you seek, leptopoma!
