Advice? Opinion?
So I've been in a year long relationship,
everything started out okay, we are having
issues with control jealousy and trust. In
the very beginning I deleted a text from an
ex, I didn't respond just deleted it, this was
like 2 weeks in and then I did look up an ex
on *** like 2 months in.. however now we
have a joint *** that up until yesterday was
only on his phone. I'm absolutely in love
with this man, he's great on all other
fronts, but his jealousy and control means I
can't have any other conversations with
men unless it's strictly about work, I can't
look in any males direction or I'm staring at
them. Every conversation I have he wants
to know every word. He panics when I
wear make up or shirts that aren't long
enough to cover my butt, everywhere I go
almost he wants to know if anyone hit on
me, even if it's breakfast with my step
mom or in the gas station. . But the good
a whole lot of the times out weighs the
bad. He's constantly thinking I want
someone else which I don't. Earlier this
week I got a new supervisor, which has
made for a really bad week, up until
Monday I hadn't ever spoke to the guy etc,
but even before he became my supervisor,
my bf had an issue with him saying the
guy wanted to have sex with me. I sent
the guy a text because I cut myself
needing a band aid, I put an lol and he put
an emoji, my bf said that was flirting we
have a difference in opinion which is fine,
but he said that was equal to me sleeping
with him. (Everyone there communicates with their supervisor via text) Well it all
escalated this week, which led to me
deleting texts to my mom where I was
venting. He thought she was sending
photos of men. Which she wasn't. She
sent the messages back and it proved to
be just that venting.
My parents are saying seek counseling or
leave.
What is your views on the situation?
Is there a control and jealousy issue?
How do we fix it?
How do I be more patient?
What can we both do to better the
situation? Is it worth saving? We both
want to be here but we need to find a
solution to all of the situations.
Honestly if I where you, I would just be very open as far your feelings to him on the situation and just be honest with him. Sometimes people worry about others messing around or flirting with others when there is underlying worry or something about themselves. If the relationship is special to you such as it fulfills your needs and wants, and you see this person as someone long term councilors or couples therapy is not a bad option if you both are open to it. Sometimes having a professional hear the issues or what’s going on can give you both a fresh perspective
Same happens with me.
@quietCoconut2731 Thank you for sharing your story. Here are my thoughts on the questions you asked:
1.) It sounds like he is limiting your freedom through the demands his insecurity and constant, unreasonable fear of infidelity place upon you.
2.) Yes, there is a definitely a control and jealousy issue here. There's an issue even if you only feel he's being jealous and controlling, but you've given numerous examples to prove your point. It seems that you are guilty of infidelity in his mind unless you can prove to him that each and every one of your actions is innocent. He doesn't trust your word, you have to show and tell him everything you do, and it still isn't enough to satisfy him.
3.) Boundaries. Clear communication about what you are willing to accept and what is unacceptable to you, along with enforced consequences when these boundaries are violated. Note: you cannot make him respect you, that can only be given voluntarily. But you can give him an incentive to change by denying him the reward of being able to control you, and by administering an appropriate punishment when he attempts to. This resource may be helpful to you: https://www.7cups.com/boundaries/
4.) You sound patient and forgiving already. It will make much more of a change in your relationship if he chooses to accept and trust you, than if you learn how to endure more control and jealousy.
5.) Listening, counseling, and therapy are all options for you that can bring in different perspectives and may feel less threatening to him than direct conversation about your needs and desires, which could cause him to feel afraid that he's losing control over your life. None of these can replace the two of you committing to improving your relationship, but they may be able to complement your efforts.
6.) Only you can answer this one. You know him much better than we do, and you also have a better understanding of what you want and need in a relationship, and what's a deal-breaker for you.
I hope this was helpful. Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk more about this. I hope you find a solution that works for you.
