After 26 years, is this how it ends?
I’m in my early 50s and have been in a long-term marriage since 1999. Over the past 4+ years, the relationship has become completely sexless and emotionally disconnected. There has been zero intimacy — not just sex, but no closeness, no physical affection, not even simple things like kissing or genuine cuddling.
At first, I thought it was just a phase or maybe health-related. I have serious health issues (Type 2 diabetes, major heart problems, multiple surgeries including a quadruple bypass), and I assumed maybe that changed how I was seen. But it kept getting worse.
Eventually, I found out my partner was sharing thoughts and feelings with someone else — but not with me. When I brought it up, the response was that they didn’t want to add to my stress. That felt like a lie or an excuse. It made me feel invisible — like I wasn’t even the person they turned to anymore.
They’ve said they don’t kiss because it reminds them of sex. They sleep fully covered, wrapped in their own blankets, and even when they allow me to cuddle, it feels like I’m holding a body pillow — not a person. That kind of rejection cuts deep.
What Might Be Causing This:
There’s a lot of unaddressed trauma involved:
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Past physical and sexual abuse
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Deep guilt over a declining parent with dementia
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Signs of severe depression
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Emotional withdrawal and avoidance
They refuse therapy, saying “what if it’s a waste of money and doesn’t help?” But it’s already been over 4 years of doing nothing — and that’s helped even less. When I try to talk about it, I get short answers or silence. I’ve begged just to feel seen again, to be close again. Still nothing.
I’ve tried:
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Being patient
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Offering help, love, therapy, and space
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Staying loyal through years of being neglected
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Explaining my pain calmly and clearly
But nothing changes. It’s like I’m screaming into a void.
Where I’m At Right Now:
I’m done — physically, emotionally, mentally. I said recently that something inside me just snapped. Not out of rage. Out of exhaustion.
I don’t want to work.
I don’t want to talk.
I don’t want to think.
I just want to lie in bed and cuddle a pillow — not because I’m weird, but because it’s the only comfort I have left. A pillow won’t reject me. It won’t flinch. It just lets me exist without expectation.
Just to be clear:
I’m not suicidal.
When I say I “want to sleep forever,” I mean I want peace — a break from the noise, the rejection, the pretending, the weight.
Why I’m Here:
I need someone to talk to. Not someone to “fix” me. Not someone to throw positivity at me. I need someone to see me — because I feel like I’m vanishing inside a life that doesn’t love me back.
If you’ve read this far, thank you.
If you relate, I’m open to hearing it.
If you don’t have advice but you’re willing to just sit in this silence with me for a bit, I’ll take that too.
I’m not here for pep talks.
I’m here because I’ve carried this too long on my own.
@ewranch01 I relate to what you're saying on a personal level. In my last relationship, I was willing to sacrifice my own needs, especially when it came to spending quality time together, which made me feel unloved and unheard. I spent a lot of time in a relationship where I wasn't happy because I cared so much about the other person. At first, I tried to find ways to get back to the way we were, but over time, I simply accepted that nothing would change. So I tried to minimize my expectations of the other person so I could stay with them.
Hello sir, im dealing with pretty much the same thing in a way...my wife has been disengaged for years...leading up to two years ago she completely detached from our relationship. Last Thursday, i put her on the spot a and asked her about if she has been talking to someone (because we have been having issues) she admitted it to me and come to find out that they have been talking for 3 months, and are actually developing a deep sensual emotional connection. So much so, i have slid from primary #1 to being eclipsed by this stranger that lives 7000 miles away from us. She has had intimate sexual encounters through texting and phone calls...i have not been sexually intimate with my wife in a year give or take...all levels of affection have halted and i feel like unwelcome in my home at times...with all that being said I must admit that there is a pretty sizable backstory that caused a lot of this. My wife is a good woman, she has been an amazing wife for me, and a phenomenal mother to our 4 boys...until this. I have to litterally watch her having this online affair with this man until she "figures out what she needs to do" This man has been propped up by her hugely for "fixing her" after she was broken by my negligence, my business, and other things that have happened in our real-ationship. She has built this fantasy with this man and created real emotions through a digital line of communication. If you read this far, i thank you and if you would like to chat, maybe we can relate on some level.
@ewranch01
Thank you for posting this... I have something similar except i am looking at it from the wife side.
My spouse slowly had issues and then after a heart issue and a few procedures he seemingly has zero libido. instead of speaking up and including me ... it was make me feel I was the problem ... i did everything to no avail. Lost weight changed hair and clothes even soaps shampoos etc... he LET me act a fool instead of admitting his medications were end of our intimate life.
Honesty would have been appreciated. so we went from a slowing as we got older to celibate without any discussion. I know a medical issue could happen to anyone except he knew he had problems but never addressed until a crisis.
No discussion / no explanation .... he started avoiding me. A hug was seen as a taunt or something... Avoided even looking at me.. could walk naked he would not notice. only acted if we were married if we had an audience neighbors etc. arm around me like who was he kidding.
I suggested counseling but always a reason not to..... did not want to talk with me afraid i would bring it up... so we are civil roommates. my spouse is unhappy with medical situation he takes it out on me I have tried to appease and give him grace as health and age is scaring him ... spouse nods head / grunts but never listens to anything claims i never told him stuff.... reads me group texts / talks down to me....
I started talking with folks on different forums and met someone....
My friend listens and tells me things .... makes me feel heard and appreciated ......
We have met in virtual meetings he compliments me thinks i am fun sexy and pretty .......something spouse has not made me feel in at least a decade. I have developed feelings i live for messages and meets ... he supports me when i need a pep talk he makes me feel good....we have lots in common and he also has a wife that will not give him the time of day... I cannot see why but i only know him from afar...
we are lonely in our real relationships... I felt guilty for awhile but when I tried to re- connect each time I was put down or ignored ... I can't reach spouse. Now with my friend i simply no longer care.
