Dealing with a man going through a divorce.
Hey guys.... I've been looking and talking to a couple of listeners but I thought to share this message.... to get collective input.
I'm dating a married man.... he's now going through a divorce... and has distanced himself from me.... when we met... I knew he was marri3d and I didn't want to be with him.... then he told me he wants me to be his wife... he told his friends and family about me so I felt it was serious because his mother knows me and welcomed me. But now that his wife served him divorce papers.... he's been different ... he doesn't want to talk to me... he doesn't pick my calls... he doesn't say I love you... he doesn't want to spend time with me... he he doesn't want to sleep with me.... and belive me it was never an issue hebuse to be allover me.... until July is when things changed.... I met him in December.... he was just perfect.... he respected me n cared about me.... he's 11 years older than me.... but now he treats me so bad he invalidates my feelings.... he doesn't care how his actions affect me.... before he told me his wife is serving him divorce papers he would lie to me that he isbjustvstressed because of work.... I had to drive the truth out of him ... the thing is you want me to be your wife but you can't even communicate... n recently he told me not to talk about his family.... it's like I'm his enemy.... I told him I'm just trying to cheer him up he said I can't do anything to cheer him up.... so in August we took a week break... then when the week break was over we tried rekindling things or rsther I tried... but he was still distancing himself from me .... he couldn't even say goodnight or goodmorning he started making me feel like I have to beg for the simple things in my relationship ..... then we took another week break.... and he tried.... he changed abit... he started telling me he loves me again n would talk to me sometimes but it's like he was just doing it for the sake of doimg it... now here we are taking yet another break and thus time longer... he said we should speak on September 11th.... but my thing is how sure am I thus break will be different from the other breaks.... how many breaks tikk he gets back to normal and stops treating me like crap.... he is 36byears old and acting like a child... he blatantlytold his wife that if having a gf is a crime.... she should take him to court then she responded by saying she wants a divorce now he's treating me like crap because she's serving him divorce papers... are you kidding Me? I feel like he doesn't know what he wants... I told him to break up with me and he refused.... he told me to stop threatening him to leave me and if I continue threatening him he will surely leave.... and guess what he did break up with me.... then I told him that very day to bring my stuff thats in his apartment... he refused and said he wants to work on us.... but the thing is we don't even have things to work on... he's the one who has things to work on... he brought th3 baggage to the relationship... n he can't even take accountability.... the other day I told him i love him even though I knew we were on a break... he told me whats the point of saying he loves me too when we are on a break.. so it's like what the hell.
whenI met this guy everything was perfect but now that he is getting a divorce.... everything is falling apart.... and it's because of him... he chose not to communicate and has been ha doing the situation poorly by distancing himself from me and neglecting my feelings.... I love him but I feel as though I can't go on like this any longer.... he is making me have to beg him for the little things. ..dont get me wrong I know divorce is hard on him too but we both know there's consequences to every action.... why is he now acting like a child.
I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship I don't want to leave him but at the same time I can't take this anymore.
@lavenderSquare8287- sorry to hear you got involved in an unstable situation. Sounds like he was very uncertain about his life, and his future. It is easy for me to say let him go, and get on with your life. No one can force another to stay in love. And the definition of being "in love" is a cycle of feelings. Most importantly be true to yourself. It sounds like you have only been together since December - not even a full year to date. He is letting you know his current feelings, and now you need to take care of yourself. You deserve someone who honors and loves you now and for the future. Please take care.
Thank you barncat. For sharing... I shall soon give an update regarding the situation.
You are right... he is letting me know his current feelings just by his actions towards me... and his feelings show me that... he's heart is not with me... 8ve already stepped back.... I'm not sure if I'll let him back in when he decided to come back... I feel as though all this could've been avoided if he just had a level of certainty in his decisions and actions. He handled this extremely poorly...
@lavenderSquare8287
Youre right. He is uncertain about what he wants. Maybe once upon a time he met his wife, and maybe she thought he was so perfect also at first. And then maybe a long time passed and so much happened in between that they are now serving each other divorce papers. And then he thought he was in love with you too, but the moment he has to sign divorce papers, maybe the reality of this path to divorce has sunk in and he is once again knowing doubts. And so he is transferring all his doubts into your relationship and therefore treating you as the enemy, where once there was love there for you only; there is now a conflicted feeling of resentment? Maybe his family sees you as the ‘other’ woman that wrecked his marriage or interfered with his marriage so he’s warning you not to talk to them because he is aware of their (potential) hostility towards you.. And almost always in these situations there is guilt… Especially if his family is indeed influencing the issue with their own opinions. And his guilt might have been easy to subdue when he was only feeling the rush and attraction of a new affair and not thinking too deeply about consequences. But eventually the consequences always catch up with us and that usually stops our reckless charge into the unknown and causes us to pause in our rashness and we start behaving differently (hence the timing of all his behaviour changes towards you coinciding with his growing consciousness of his guilt in this situation with the looming divorce.
And it is exactly as you said your relationship with him has roots in all of this baggage… If it is difficult for marriages to survive an affair , then it is also sometimes just as difficult for an affair to grow past the marriage that It was planted in . Albeit for subtly different reasons.
Maybe if you ask yourself that if you eventually married him and at some point in the future you would be in his ex-wife’s position exactly, would you have regrets ? If instead of love and intimacy all he feels is guilt and a sense of loss, if he blames you for his marriage failing, if his family despises you and blames you also, is that a relationship you can satisfy yourself with…?
Maybe all of this is a chance for you to reflect on the consequences of your own decisions here. I think 6 months is a very short time to know any person, let alone to know a man who does not even seem to know himself with any certainty; to know the heart of a man who does not even know his own heart right now…
All the best to you with this situation!
CatsInTheCradle
Thank you catzinthecradle. For sharing... I shall soon give an update regarding the situation. Your response was spot on. Everything you said is exactly how I think about this man and this current situation.
I have seen this happen before ..... married even unhappily and then you find someone new ...while talking of divorce is one thing .........actually doing it is different....
the reality of it and all that goes with it may have just hit him ........ he may be running the numbers seem to be a big deal for many when assets get split ..... sometimes men stay because they do not like the $$$ settlement ......
it can be a lot to lose and restarting even with a new partner you feel like you took steps backward......he may not have anticipated the upheaval and issues that come up in a divorce...
in some cases lawyers tell a person to cool it with the other party until things settle to keep things civil ....or if there is custody question for kids etc......
Not that these scenarios are your friends but this is some observations i have in similar situations
I agree .... with you... the reality of saying it and it actually happening and him having to go through with it is a whole different ball game... but doesn't mean he should neglect my feelings in the process... I feel as if he has shown himself to me. His true colors... and this is sadly not the first time.
Thank you toughTiger. For sharing... I shall soon give an update regarding the situation.
@lavenderSquare8287
Limerence...that's what this sounds like.
The 3 stages are:
Stage 1-Infatuation. You're a new interest, and a better option than what he has, hence he treats you perfect!
Stage 2-Crystallization (i.e. a perfect life is in the picture, he says "I want you to be my wife")
Stage 3-Deterioration (i.e. doesn't want to pick up phone calls, sleep together, spend time together, or say "I love you")
Here's some podcasts you can listen to for a better understanding or see if it's even relevant to what may be going on in his heart and mind. It may not apply in your situation.
I ran across these podcasts only because my wife left almost 3yrs ago, but for her, reasons were different, but still puzzling to me. So I found marriagehelper.com
https://marriagehelper.com/three-stages-madly-love-limerence-dr-joe-show-podcast/
https://marriagehelper.com/the-first-stage-of-limerence-podcast/
https://marriagehelper.com/the-second-stage-of-limerence-podcast/
https://marriagehelper.com/the-third-stage-of-limerence-podcast/
Hope this helps regardless if you 2 end up together or work towards closure.
Thank you for this.... I've done some googling about it. I'm yet to listen to the p9dcasts... but everything I've read about limerence is spot on.... I think I'm at the 3rd stage.... deterioration.... our relationship has fallen apart instead of strengthening. And I don't think I feel the same way for him like I initially did. I guess I was infatuated with him... I could tell the red flags but I ignored them hoping the man will change but it seems he won't and now here we are battling some serious issues we can't resolve.
Is this the man I really want to spend the rest of my life with? I know relationships require work... but it just seems like I've been doing the work alone and it's becoming one sided. I really have alot to think about....
He messaged me good morning baby how are you doing this beautiful day today as if everything is normal yet he has been avoiding me... I'm choosing not to respond because I don't want to interfere with my healing and growth... I need to figure out what I need and what is best for me.
I'll keep you posted... thank you for this.
@lavenderSquare8287
This is some chemistry that happens in the brain. For some, it lasts as little as 6 months, and for others, it can last up to 48 months. They say, it always comes to an end, almost 99% of the time. There's this thing called "the valley". In this situation, he is in confusion and sways back and forth wanting the best of both worlds...