I can't and I don't wanna forgive him
I've been going out with this guy since the end of September. My main motivation from the start was to help him on his depression and anger issues, but I didn't feel love until a month later.
He has lied compulsively about both trivial and important things. For example, he was theorically roleplaying with a girl, but it turned out to be a real relationship (a long distance one, though). When I discovered it, I was more hurt about the fact that he couldn't tell me, and it made me try to be more comprehensive so he wouldn't lie to me anymore. I was wrong though. Days later I contacted her through his phone and said I was his real girlfriend, and she was really hurt but thanked me. The next day I could see that my bf was hiding something. I eventually discovered by just looking at his reactions that he told her I wasn't his real girlfriend, just a second personality he created to not feel lonely. I wasn't shocked at that moment, I expected it.
One time he lied about having been to the hospital due to taking too many pills. I instantly knew therr was something fishy, so I aske his friend and he said they were playing football(soccer) outside. My boyfriend then admitted that he just wanted my attention, which I've always given to him.
Much later I found out he was talking to two other girls. He said to them I was his cousin and you can guess the rest. They live very far away too though, so I'm sure it was just chatting.
I know he loves me. I'm sure he does but... Maybe not in a healthy way. His reason for loving me is that I was able to help him a lot, but if I didn't, I'm sure it wouldn't be the same. Every time I've discovered a lie, he cries on my shoulder like a river. He's changed now that he realized he is losing me; he lets me look through his phone and he makes an effort to not lie. I've already built a wall, though. I trust him but at the same time I don't. I don't want to love him nor forgive him. But I don't know how to break up, he's kind of a victimist and always says he can't live without me, literally. I feel manipulated and weak.
@Faeria Hey Faeria, before I tell you what I think of this know that Ive had a boyfriend that manipulated me into staying in that kind of relationship for 1.5 years :( It only gets worse the longer you let him manipulate you into staying... my ex having abusive parents didnt help my cause at all either :(
So first off, I am so glad you came forward with your story, I am sure there are many strong women being stuck in a maniuplative relationship because they are kindhearted. Dating someone out of pity is another kind of cruelty :( You dont do it on purpose but if you take a step back and look at your relationship from a distance you might notice that. If not and I am wrong I am sorry for assuming this. It is good that you already made a decision, which is to leave him. The best way to do that is to prepare a pillow that can catch you once you broke up. I prepared by talking to my family about it and my friends, they were there for me the moment I ended it and needed distractions to keep me occupied, they also made sure that I didnt fall back to him. Over time you heal and get over it the more you notice life is still great without that person :) That you will survive. If I can do it you can too! <3 just dont be afraid to ask for help xx Take care and best of luck :)
If it makes it less dramatic, couldn't you maybe still be there for him without it being that romantic type of relationship?
It's kinda what I'm doing now I guess, since I no longer have and can't force myself to have that deep deep kind of trust and lovey feelings that are required for that type of relationship. And even though it gets a little rough when we can't talk about everything, I think the hypothetical arms-length distance has been more beneficial than not.
@Faeria
I'm sorry to hear you are trapped in this and are feeling manipulated - you certainly are being manipulated and it's unacceptable, and totally natural and good that you do not want this and want to get out and move on. Whatever his feelings for you really are, as you have noticed it's very dependent and manipulative, and you have no obligation whatsoever to reciprocate those kinds of feelings or stay with him to help him. We all want to help people, and many of us develop a sort of 'saviour complex' within relationships, and the longer one stays, the harder it is to get out, because one feels more and more obligated to help them and even scared to leave, because one doesn't want to feel responsible or guilty for the inevitable pain the dependent side will go through. In the end though, it is not your fault that he feels like he can't live without you. You didn't turn him into this, and you are not the only person he will likely cling to or has done this with before. He needs to work on himself with possibly professional help and learn how to be an individual. When this happened to me, I left them and cut off contact completely for a while so that they couldn't reach me/I couldn't be tempted to check in or listen to them make threats. I made sure to leave them with a list of resources for help, and talked to his family about what he was going through. That being done, I did everything I could do in a healthy capacity to help him and make sure he had a chance to grow up and out of it, and everything after that was really not my responsibility. You have your own life to live and your own mental health to take care of, and being concerned about manipulative people is way too draining for it to be worth it in the long run. While we should always be helpful, sympathetic and empathetic, self-care comes first.