I’m in a secret relationship and need someone honest opinion
Hi I’m Beth (f 20) and this will probably sound like such a simple situation to solve but I’m having trouble
so I’ve been seeing this guy almost everyday for 4 months after meeting him at a club. (I’ll call him Evan)
3 months into this non defined relationship his roommate told me Evan is in a relationship with his gf of 5 years!
I tried to break contact as I was angry but I missed him and so I decided to talk it out with him and keep seeing him
Evan tells me he loves me, we go on dates and I see him almost everyday, (his gf is long distance)
He messages me telling me he misses me when we aren’t together, I always want to be around him and he is so nice when we are together (he even took care of me when I was spiked)
The one remaining problem is Evan still with his girlfriend and he can’t decide whether to break up with her or not.
I feel so guilty, I feel like a home wrecker and the guilt keeps getting stronger as time goes on. Every time they have an argument I feel myself hoping they broke up. It’s like I’m praying on their relationship’s downfall which makes me feel evil.
My flatmates know what he did and how upset I was and so they disapprove of me seeing him. So I’ve even taken to lying to them about where I’m going and sneaking out of the house to see him! Which is going to damage my friendships in the long run but I keep doing it and I don’t know why
I’ve sometimes thought of telling him “it’s either me or your girlfriend” but I’m so scared he won’t pick me. Then I feel bad because if he does pick me I’ll practically be stealing him away from his girlfriend who loves him.
I heard him on the phone a week ago to his girlfriend and he said “bye I love you” and I broke down crying. I sit up at night thinking on how I can improve to make him want me more so he’ll choose me. If he goes out to a night club I sit up wondering if he’s kissing other girls and can’t sleep till he messages me telling me he’s home.
I keep being told there are other guys out there but I’ve never felt this way about someone before and I feel like I’ll never want anyone else.
I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest because my friends think I’ve ended things with him and that’s left me with no one to talk to about it
also Sorry for the bad grammar I’m dyslexic and struggle a lot with it
Hey Beth I think you know what’s right and what u should do but that feeling of thinking u will never find anyone else or the breakdowns u get or the jealousy you feel or having to lie all that is not an outcome of love that’s attachment a toxic one. I think u can trace it to why ur attached to this specific person by linking it to a trauma or to a life or childhood event that has happened to you that you have not healed from yet. In order to be able to walk away from a person who doesn’t deserve you you gotta realize why you were okay with it in the first place and healing starts there. Oh and we all know this if he cheated on her he WILL cheat on u.
@4jujuu
What you’re saying makes a lot of sense I’ve never really had a males figure in my life other than my brothers and my mother always struggled with relationships. This might be where my attachment could stem from.
I also think think that one of my main problems is I’m a very obsessive person. For example as a kid and even now as an adult I’ll watch my favourite film every day, would collect anything about the interest and even loose a lot of sleep search interviews and facts about the film. I’d need to know everything about it before I stopped.
I have a similar pattern with friendships I’ve always had the same best friend and had no interest in any other people. This has got better since I’ve gone to uni and now my friendship group has widened.
I wonder if this habit may also include my love life? Because when you talked about toxic attachments it reminded me of these patterns I’ve had throughout my whole life.
I also think it doesn’t help that this is my first boyfriend and the idea of loosing this love I feel makes me not want to let go
@bethmarsh,
he is not being honest to both you and his girlfriend
A real man would choose.
You don't want to be involved with guys like that, they will only hurt you.
@dukeofdearham
the fact that he’s not honest makes me second guess everything he says.
And I think the worst part is even though I know he’ll probably end up hurting me I know deep down that I’d forgive him.
After thinking about what you said and realising how much I’m willing to forgive it’s actually made me disappointed in myself. I know this isn’t what a relationship should be and I know I should leave him.
I think I might try distancing myself before I leave him because I know how much it’s going to hurt me not being with him.
I have come to learn that once you hide a relationship from your friends then that's a definite red flag.
Romantic relationships should co-exist with your other relationships.
I think deep down you know that once his girlfriend comes back he will choose her hence you are trying by all means to be on his good books hoping he chooses you, that's not how healthy love works.
If he really wanted to be with you? He would have chosen you from the get go.
@Sphumi08
Thanks for your reply and I completely agree with you. I think the fact that I have to hide it from my friends proves that this is wrong.
And yeah I think I know he won’t choose me but the fact that he won’t choose me makes it harder for me to leave him if that makes sense?
it’s like I’m constantly waiting for the validation that he’ll choose me over someone else (which makes me feel guilty even thinking about)
it’s like I have some hope that he’ll ring me telling me I’m the the one he chooses.
I think what doesn’t help is that he really listens to me and shows interests in my interests. He hugs me all the time and holds on to my arm when we cross a road. All these little things makes me feel so comforted and feeds my hope that I’m the one he wants.
Also thanks for this reply I think talking this out with people is helping me think deeper into this relationship
@Sphumi08 well he is in a long distance relationship so he does have a gf it's not like they're on a break and once they both rekindle he won't choose op.. he is in a active relationship and has a gf he's cheating on being in long distance doesn't give a free pass to cheat.. If you have to hide it from everyone then it's just a problematic relationship
This is a great discussion helping others in a similar situation.
OP, thanks for starting this.
Thinking more about it, it's possibly that he is into polyamory and it's ok for him to love multiple girls and his girlfriend knows it and approves. You don't know that, right? Are you ok with that? Honest talk with him about it wouldn't hurt and you can also explore your feelings of jealousy about it too.
Its quite possible you attach to others in unhealthy ways, like the other poster hinted. I'm like that too, and working on that issue with some major progress. Read about limerence. There are also some good books that i can recommend you if interested.
@LostTurtle2
thank you so much this is actually really helpful! I have spoken to him asking if he’s in some sort of open relationship and he told me that he’s not however I might bring it up again with him because polyamory wasn’t a topic we’ve discussed.
Also recommendations on books and any tips you have on coping would be really helpful! I know my attachments can get over baring and toxic and I want to change this for myself and the people i surround myself with. I just find it so hard not to cling and worry so any help you have to offer would be very appreciated
Thank you for this response it’s definitely helped me think of new angles to discuss and fix my situation
@bethmarsh
The book i found very helpful is by Lucy Bain. "Limerent mind." Available on Amazon. Now, she has 3 books. I read only the first one. Not only she explains about addiction to person, but also how to switch your intrinsic passion into your goals and other things in your life to make you more successful, rather than suffer.
Good luck!
You NEED to break it off with him ASAP! I’m sorry to say this but he won’t chose you. He is an extremely terrible person for hurting two people (you and his GF). You’re just hurting yourself more if you continue to stay with him. If honestly loved you that much, he’ll be with you. But if he can’t decide and still tells his gf that he loves her, he does not love you. I’m sorry. You can do better
For me it’s simple. Being a man and one that is your typical man that has been around with numerous amount of women. Cheating on previous girlfriends about 20 different times each. If he was open to the possibility/opportunity to be with another woman(You) while being in a relationship, then why would he not do it to you? I’m sure he tells you all these nice words and things, the right things, the ones you want to hear and keep you assured and not doubting. But those habits continue and most likely always will
As hard as this is to hear, how you get them is how you lose them. If you end up in a relationship with him, what’s to say he won’t do this to you with another girl?
You deserve trust, stability, and respect. I promise you there is someone who will value you more. I know it’s hard to hear, but if you love them more than they love you, it’ll never work.
— 🌊
If you need someone to talk to you can text me.
Beth,
So sorry you are going through this complex situation.
If he gives you hugs n support that feels so soothing, at the same time he is also being conveniently oblivious to the pain this triangle situation is causing you. He is making his choice by dangling both of you along, he is not choosing you but atleast you can choose yourself. Self respect is always always above love, however hard it might seem. Nothing is worth compromising our mental peace for. Walking away right now will be no doubt hard but getting dumped or ghosted in future will be definitely much more painful n traumatic.
Also, speaking from personal experience, it might seem impossible to let go but once we do things actually becomes much easier. Clarity is a big healer.
Protect your peace.
Hope you find the strength to make right choices for yourself. 😊
