I still try to be friends with my ex boyfriend who raped me
I never turned him in. I never will. He scares me, he makes jokes about murdering. He cheated on me. He went off on me today because he apparently found the note where I was writing about it trying to process it. I guess i left it in where I keep something else I told him to grab and forgot and he read it. Today we were talking about how when he lived at one place he acted insanely crazy. It got brought up how he punched a mouse to death. He said he cant really remember anything from that time period. I asked him if he really can't a little later (I was referring to him hooking up with other girls) but he started going off And yelling about how yes he remembers raping me. (That wasnt the only time, it happened other times when he was black out drunk. And if you count someone who does their best to not wake you up and fucking you while you're asleep whether you like it or not as rape it happened kind of regularly.I didn't want it but that doesn't even matter anymore). Then he started yellimg about how i had stuck my pink finger down his urethra like a catheter when I caught him.cheating on me.and he kept forcing me to.cuddle and.comfort him. I know that was wrong. I know it was fucked up, and I regret it. Especially now that that's his excuse that by doing that I essentially raped him first. 2 wrongs dont make a right and I know what I did was wrong but I never deserved being hit in the back of my head and having my anus violently raped for it. I didnt deserve that.
@anonyPlace5303 no you didn't deserve that. Nobody deserves that. You will find a way to get out of this one, I believe in you. You could maybe report him or go and live with your parents again. I don't really know your circumstances but I recommend you don't live with him. Stay strong 💕
@Saltandchili thank god we don't but he still tries to make it feel like we do sometimes and it really messes with my head. We've been broke up 2 years and out of nowhere he'll start referring to me as his girlfriend and staging random break ups with me and I'll point out we havent been a couple in a few years now and he'll go off about how its actually over now its so frustrating.
I'm so sorry you went through that. It sounds like a very toxic relationship and I'm glad he's not your boyfriend anymore, but I don't think staying in contact can do you any good. I know it's hard to move on from the past, but think of how deeply he hurt you, how much he disprected you: respect is the base of all kinds of relationship, and if he used you like that, it means there's no real base for a any sort of relationship, not even friendship. Being in contact with him brings back painful memories, and it can be dangerous for you. Moving on can be hard, but it's worth making this brave effort to finally take control of your life and feel truly safe and free. You can be happy with someone who respects and values you and leave the past behind, it's all up to you. If you feel like you can't do it alone, look for support by friends of family members you trust. They will help you putting things in perspective and staying strong with your goals.
@Aayla ive tried to stop contact but when I have he has essentially guilt tripped me with talking about killing himself, how I'm his only friend, how the dog misses ne kind of scared me and pretty much started stalking me. Now my main concern with cutting contact is the dog. He's been displaying a lot of disturbing behavior over the last week or so thats concerning. He took a giant stick (she loves sticks and playing with them and chasing them) and its was relatively soft wood from the rain but he broke it over her back. And yeah it broke but i yelled at him and he went to display that it was soft wood and wasnt gonna hurt her and then it didn't break. There was just to much that coulda gone wrong there and this dog has taken to hiding behind his couch way more than usual and at the slightest inclination towards tension from him and I find it really concerning.
@anonyPlace5303 this sort of manipulation is horrible. Also, the way he mistreats the dog to keep you near is awful. At this point, the best thing you can do is get support. It's hard to make it on your own. You could use the help of someone woth whom you can share all of this, so they can help you put things in perspective and realize you have nothing to feel guilty about and you owe him nothing. As for the dog, you can try to contact animal protection services and see what they can do. For yourself, in addition to the support of your loved ones, you can also consider seeing a counsellor to help you get out of it. Or you can contact an association that deals with domestic violence: they support many women with manipulative ex partners, and surely they know how to support you and have the right resources for helping you.
Is it gonna be hard? Yes. Is it gonna be worth it? Definitely. He has taken so much from you already, he mustn't keep doing it now. At the end of the tunnel there's the peace and freedom you need and deserve. You can get there. Never lose hope!
@anonyPlace5303 so what it sounds like is that he must have some mental issues because no normal person would do these things, and act as if they are completely normal. i suggest you call the cops or report him asap because if you dont something very bad could happen to you and nobody wants that. i suggest you turn your phone off, pack your things, and move to a friend or your parents house discretely, like when he's asleep... whatever you do run. stop trying to be friends and get the heck outta there, friend! whatever you do, stay strong in the act. 
