Love or not? And what to do next...
Here I am with my story, I hope dear 7cuppers will be able to share some insights, I've been pondering upon this confusing topic for over three years now and I'm totally stuck.
So, I've met him 3.5 years ago. We're both in our 30s, he's single and apparently he's not been with anyone for several years. I fell for him, instantly, absolutely and like crazy. To start with, he was acting as if he was in love too - lots of hugs, holding hands, texting etc. At some point our friends started to realise something was going on and he withdrew, we were still in touch, texting each other every day, but not meeting that often... And months went by, we started meeting again, rather in private than in public, not regularly yet frequently. We would talk for hours, have some great fun, have sex, text each other every day. I told him about my feelings several times, to which he'd always reply he cares for me a lot, that I'm extremely important to him, but it was only me declaring love. Then one April evening I pushed a bit harder and he said he was not in love and he didn't think he'd ever be, which broke my heart totally. We stopped talking, but he was reaching out to me, and we slowly got back to what we used to be, meeting, having great time, talking. I can see he obviously cares for me, I'm totally in love, but I'm not sure how to understand his words and actions. I see this "I'm not in love" as a sign he doesn't want a relationship, but it seems to me there must be feelings there, I can definitely feel them unless I'm totally blindfolded by my feelings for him. We don't seem to be able to stop being so close, yet it's not progressing or getting any clearer, I'm not insisting but I'm lost.
What would you say? I realise it's hard to guess someone's feelings or intentions, but would you wait and see what comes out of it (I've been waiting for years now), resign, anything else?... Please help 💘
@Natatana- This is a tough one. Each of us carries what "being in love" is means to us. The initial attraction can be strong and mutual. I hope you can come to terms with your desire for a longer term relationship. One cannot force another person to declare love or make a committment. And often there is one person in the relationship who loves more than the other person. Only you know how important this relationship is at this time in your life. I wish you the best.
This is a tough position to be in for sure.....
I see a trend in some people that they either are not sure about their feelings or over the top on feelings....... as people/ stories / movies etc make them believe it is some magic that leaves zero doubt and is clear as day ......
when they feel a strong connection and affection for someone but it is not all out consuming they think ... maybe this is NOT love.....
I knew a great guy who spent most of his time alone waiting for this ......and passing up on ladies who truly cared for him and could have developed in marriages.....
Also have known many who think every new date is "the one" instantly ........when it fizzles they say "oh i never said that" etc......
Just look at all the threads here asking for better definitions of love vs in love....
i would hate to see people miss out a having someone because they are confused about how they feel.
@toughTiger6481
you hit a nail on this one.
i love how DeBotton picks apart romanticism and he's super funny at it too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPOuIyEJnbE
Thank you guys for replying! I agree totally, it makes sense to stay balanced and I don't think I'm too engaged or emotional, but the lack of clarity is definitely a killer.