My partner wants us to get married, I want to stay as we are.
Firstly I am going apologise for this being long and complicated and if you manage to read it all the way the end I thank you.
I have been with my partner for 8 years (we do not live together), during those 8 years I have questioned the relationship time and time again. He is very controlling, very self absorbed and quite frankly I can not trust him with my heart or my emotions. He only sees his or his mother's emotions, I have cried myself to sleep laying next to him and he just ignores it. I am disabled and last week i was trying to get out of a swimming pool and my leg wasnt working so i called him to help but he ignored me and someone else had to help me. This is just a couple of examples of how he is blind to my needs, yet everything i do has to be about him and his mother. I have to look after their needs always ignoring my own. He says he is grieving still for his father who died 6 years ago and I need to put him and his mother first.
Why do I stay with him? I hear you ask...
We do have fun together believe it or not, in public he is well liked and funny. An 'entertainer' always laughing and joking, whereas I am very quiet and unsure of myself. We have many friends together (which is something I have always struggled to have as I am quiet and reserved). If I leave I not only lose the relationship I lose all of my friends and my new found social life that I have never had before.
Also my daughter hates him and she decided to cut me out of her life when my partners mother had an accident and was rushed to hospital (with us not knowing if she would survive). She telephoned me as I was leaving to rush to the hospital wanting me to look after her youngest child. I explained what had happened and I had to go to the hospital. She saw that as I was choosing him and his mother over her (and yes, at that moment I was because we didn't know if his mother was going to live). I have tried to explain but she has shut herself off from me and will not listen or talk. I am no longer allowed to see my youngest grandchild, however the oldest two aged 16 and 13 told her that they love me and they want to see me. My daughter allows this on the condition it is at my home away from my partner. He says I should just get over it and doesn't understand how heartbroken l am at losing my daughter and youngest grandchild.
Now my partner wants me to give up my home move in with him and get married. If I was to do this I would not be able to see my grandchildren. I refuse to do this, I will not give up my grandchildren or my home (my only security). He is very, very angry... l think the relationship is going to end, I know if that happens I will spend 6 days a week not even speaking to another person and on that one day I see my grandchildren it will only be for a couple of hours.
I just want things to carry on as they are, with me spending some time at my home to see my grandchildren and spending the rest of my time with him. I feel like I am being torn...
Well congratulations if you made it this far, you will be relieved to know this is the end. Any advice would be gratefully received.
Sorry I have just realised that this is probably the wrong place to post this 
@Impossibleblonde It seems your daughter is using access to your grandchildren to control your living situation, and your partner is able to control you using access to social circles (and possibly other things since I don't know your full situation). In general, the more we want from others, the more we enable them to control us. It's not easy being your own "source" of whatever it is you want, but it is one way out from under other people's thumbs. Of course, having a disability usually means you have to rely on others more than the "average" person, but we all have to rely on others to some degree - farmers and doctors, for example. But if it becomes a pattern in which we always have to work through others to get what we want, then either we're forced to try to control them, or they will control us. It's not easy breaking out of that pattern, especially if we've been doing it for years, but CBT might help... "Is there a way I can get this myself, instead of asking someone else?" "Is there someone else I can ask, instead of the usual person I ask?"
@John5 thank you for your reply. With regard to my situation you are right l am allowing others to control my life because l cant really see how I can change it. My daughter uses her children to control me and is using keeping the youngest away from me as punishment for not putting her first at that moment. She dictates when and where I am allowed to see the older children because she can. She knows l will do anything to keep contact with them and if l don't adhere to her demands she will withdraw contact..
Regarding my disability (CRPS) l try very hard to do everything myself, l tend to hide my pain because l hate it when people constantly ask if I am ok. I feel maybe my lack of confidence in myself or shyness makes me feel uncomfortable with it. However, of course I do have to ask for help at times and I find this incredibly hard.
All of my life right up until l became disabled I have been fiercely independent and always relied on myself to do ANYTHING and l find myself at a loss as to why l am now allowing people to control me. I feel as if l have no say in what happens in my life now. Maybe CBT is the way to go to try to relearn how to reclaim my life.
Thank you, you have given me a lot to think about.
@Impossibleblonde
I have been with my partner for 8 years (we do not live together), during those 8 years I have questioned the relationship time and time again. (This tells me you stopped loving him a long time ago) He is very controlling, very self absorbed and quite frankly I can not trust him with my heart or my emotions. (People like him are very insecure about themeselves, how they see the world and how they see others. I can tell his controlling nature comes from a fear of something and the way he is selfish will mean that he will not have the ability to tend to your needs and wants. I can tell you have shut down emotionally when it comes to him, the problem is that the longer you stayed, the more respect he lost for you) He only sees his or his mother's emotions, (There could be some emeshment here) I have cried myself to sleep laying next to him and he just ignores it. (He doesn't have the ability to soothe you or listen to you because his mother would dismiss his feelings and didn't soothe him, so now he doesn't know what to do in this kind of situations. Being in a relationship with him will not be easy because of his issues from the past) I am disabled and last week i was trying to get out of a swimming pool and my leg wasnt working so i called him to help but he ignored me and someone else had to help me. (This has to do with irritable issues and being triggered, he probably has a very nagging mother who is always asking him for things, it annoyed him, so now he is putting you on that role when it comes to helping you) This is just a couple of examples of how he is blind to my needs, yet everything i do has to be about him and his mother. (He will not meet your needs, and he will actually dismiss your needs) I have to look after their needs always ignoring my own. (This communicates you grew up being a pleaser because you are always looking to feel loved, you tend to surpress your needs because you wouldn't want him to abandon you. You are not communicating high value by putting them first constantly, they will take you for granted. It's very important that you put yourself first on most occassions, invest in yourself, it shouldn't be where you are putting your needs second) He says he is grieving still for his father who died 6 years ago and I need to put him and his mother first. (I understand it wasn't easy losing his father, but he isn't being fair by asking you this.)
Why do I stay with him? I hear you ask...
We do have fun together believe it or not, (You are making excuses to justify staying with him, the negatives outweight the positive by a ton) in public he is well liked and funny.(Yep, but its a mask because they don't know the real him) An 'entertainer' always laughing and joking, whereas I am very quiet and unsure of myself. We have many friends together (which is something I have always struggled to have as I am quiet and reserved). If I leave I not only lose the relationship I lose all of my friends and my new found social life that I have never had before. (In other words "I rather put up with his insecure, dismissive, abusive, and controlling behavior because I don't want to lose my friends and social life", this is another reason you are using to justify staying with him because deep down you know you have to leave, but the fear always takes over. You shouldn't allow someone else to mistreat you, if you do then they are not going to value or respect you.)
Also my daughter hates him and she decided to cut me out of her life when my partners mother had an accident and was rushed to hospital (Your daughter made an impulsive decision that came from anger) (with us not knowing if she would survive). She telephoned me as I was leaving to rush to the hospital wanting me to look after her youngest child. I explained what had happened (You did the right thing here, something health related happened, so you couldn't take care of her child) and I had to go to the hospital. She saw that as I was choosing him and his mother over her (and yes, at that moment I was because we didn't know if his mother was going to live). (A person who has a healthy and understanding attitude would have say "Oh okay I understand, ill find someone else to take care of my child. Let me know how everything goes", but in this case your daughter behaved in a selfish way and became triggered by her past. I can tell she felt replaced growing up, perhaps she didn't feel there was enough attention for her, or she felt neglected growing up, so now all of that past hurt came to the surface and then she made a very harsh/immature decision to cut you off. It's not your fault what happened, she just doesn't have the empathy to be understanding) I have tried to explain but she has shut herself off from me and will not listen or talk. (You should have only make one attempt, then let her be because she is behaving immature) I am no longer allowed to see my youngest grandchild, (She is seeking to punish you and make you experience the hurt she felt, this is passive-agressive behavior. She is using your grandchild as a weapon to make you feel hurt) however the oldest two aged 16 and 13 told her that they love me and they want to see me. My daughter allows this on the condition it is at my home away from my partner. He says I should just get over it and doesn't understand how heartbroken (He will not understand because he tends to push things under the rug, lacks empathy and emotions make him feel uncomfortable. It's impossible to receive support from him because he will dismiss your feelings and then do an act out to push you away) l am at losing my daughter and youngest grandchild. (It's not your fault, your daughter is behaving selfish, manipulative and seeking to punish you)
Now my partner wants me to give up my home move in with him and get married. (If you are this hurt while not living together, just imagine how hurt you will feel living with him. Things will get even worst if you decide to move in with him and get married, you won't be happy with him) If I was to do this I would not be able to see my grandchildren. I refuse to do this, I will not give up my grandchildren or my home (my only security).He is very, very angry... l think the relationship is going to end, (This relationship needs to end either way because you don;t deserve to be treated poorly by him. You deserve to be loved and respect by a man who will always be there for you, your current partner cannot do relationship without ruining them) I know if that happens I will spend 6 days a week not even speaking to another person and on that one day I see my grandchildren it will only be for a couple of hours.
I just want things to carry on as they are, with me spending some time at my home to see my grandchildren and spending the rest of my time with him. I feel like I am being torn...(They are both behaving manipulative, it's not fair how they are putting you against the wall with their insecurities.)
@freshLight64 thank you for your reply, it is very insightful. The emeshment question I hadn't thought of before but now I have you are so right. He is tied to his mother so much that she is his first thought when he wakes up. He telephones her to make sure she is ok before he even speaks to me in the mornings, it's the first thing he does. He calls her several times a day and I truly believe he actually speaks more to her in a day than he does me. If we go anywhere she always has to come along. She is very manipulative to gain most of his time using her health to get it. On the telephone one morning she was telling him how unwell she was and she thought that she may die but was refusing to see a Dr. Of course we rushed to her home to collect her so we could look after her at his home. We pulled up outside the house and she was waiting at the door with an overnight bag. My partner asked me to go and help her to the car and when I got to her I asked her how she was... her reply " I am ok, I just fancied a bit of company that's all". We took her to his home and I waited on her hand and foot. I watched her as she "struggled" to walk to the toilet in front of her son only to dance across the hallway when she was out of his sight. I have tried to gently hint that things might be as it seems with her but he went crazy mad. He worries himself sick about her all of the time, she even told him that she had cancer for the Dr to say different when he wanted to talk to her Dr. However the accident that she had was genuine and not put on. This morning I suggested that he and I go to an airshow his reaction was "Great idea, Mum will love that".
About my daughter I don't think that she ever felt replaced for the simple fact that she always demanded my attention 100% to the detriment of my son. She does have mental health issues that have never been diagnosed. As a teen she kept taking overdoses and was very nearly sectioned. The psychiatrist told me that her brain wasn't wired the way most people's were and she sees the world differently. I pushed and pushed for a diagnosis (my thinking was that if i knew what it was I could find out how to help her) but they refused saying they didn't want her to go through life with a label. She left school at aged 13 because the school couldn't cope with her and she couldnt cope with school, she had home schooling via the hospital school. My daughter had all of my attention trust me, I fought and fought for her to try to find a way that she could cope with everyday life. As she grew up she became more able to cope and had children of her own, she still has problems with her views of the way she sees situations and people though. Before she cut me out of her life I always helped her with that, I now believe she is has high functioning autism. My older grandson is very much the same as her and has been diagnosed. He and I are very close because I understand him and I help him to understand the world around him as I did his mother. Although it is easier with him than it was with my daughter because with her I had to muddle through with no help or diagnosis whatsoever. She was constantly angry for a very long time and didn't understand why the world worked the way it did no matter how hard I tried to explain. She probably is still very angry that I couldn't 'fix the world' for her but I know hand on heart that I tried my hardest and I could have done no more.
I do actually understand why my daughter and my partner are the way they are but it doesn't make it any easier. If anything I feel that because I understand I should be able to make things better (yes, there goes the people pleased thing).
Actually my mother was very much the same as my daughter also, I could never please her or make her happy no matter how hard I tried. Having learnt a lot about high functioning autism ince my grandsons diagnosis I believe that she had the same condition.
I had intended putting all of this in my original post but it would have been far to long and no-one (with the best intentions in the world) would have made it to the end.
Maybe CBT is the way to go.
Because I am constantly driving to make everything better for these people I am enabling them to carry on treating me the way they do. I know I need to find that inner voice that decides that enough is enough and I have feelings too. I need to find a way to gain control of my life and not let others control it. It is afterall my life and not theirs...
See I get all brave and I know this is what I need to do but then I feel guilty and think to myself "but they have problems, there are reasons why they are the way they are" and I feel the need to help them...
I have downloaded several CBT books to work through until I can get an appointment with a CBT therapist. It really has helped to write this down and your responses have made me think more clearly. I know it is not going to be an easy road to go down, after all I am the way I am and have been this way my whole life. Can people really change the way they are? Is it to deep rooted and now part of my make-up forever? We will see...
@Impossibleblonde
thank you for your reply, it is very insightful. The emeshment question I hadn't thought of before but now I have you are so right. He is tied to his mother so much that she is his first thought when he wakes up. (They are way too close, its an enmeshment here. I believe she went through something traumatic when either she lost her husband or they breakup, so now she uses her son to meet her unmet needs and the needs the husband she lost) He telephones her to make sure she is ok before he even speaks to me in the mornings, it's the first thing he does. (I can tell this triggers you when he does this because at one time you didnt feel like a priority or not loved) He calls her several times a day and I truly believe he actually speaks more to her in a day than he does me. (I can tell something is triggering you here, however I have a few possibilities. Usually when i hear something like that falls into one of these categories; 1)Not feeling good enough, 2)Feelings of not being loved by the other person, 3) Feelings of not getting enough attention, 4) not feeling like a priority) If we go anywhere she always has to come along. (This tells me she feels down or abandoned if they leave her out of the plans, so often she will get mad or cause a tantrum in an effort to manipulate him. She is not letting her son live his life, its all about soothing her own anxiety) She is very manipulative to gain most of his time using her health to get it. (This indicate she is highly manipilative, I believe she had to fight for love, do drama growing to receive love from her parents and she saw one of her parents do this to the others so now she is using those behaviors to get what she wants. She has put her son on the role of a parent out of unmet needs, and now she is child while he is the parent) On the telephone one morning she was telling him how unwell she was and she thought that she may die(This was either high anxiety or her trying to create drama) but was refusing to see a Dr. Of course we rushed to her home to collect her so we could look after her at his home. We pulled up outside the house and she was waiting at the door with an overnight bag. My partner asked me to go and help her to the car and when I got to her I asked her how she was... her reply " I am ok, I just fancied a bit of company that's all". (Highly manipilative, she felt lonely and anxious so she used her health as a weapon to get attention and company) We took her to his home and I waited on her hand and foot. (Bad idea to do this, this will only encourage her behavior even more) I watched her as she "struggled" to walk to the toilet in front of her son only to dance across the hallway when she was out of his sight. (She is doing this because deep down she is insecure and doesn't feel good enough to be loved by who she is, so she uses manipulation since its the only way she learned how to receive love) I have tried to gently hint that things might be as it seems with her but he went crazy mad. (That tells me you rather use indirect communication out of fear of being abandoned or afraid of the reaction from the other person. He will always react that way about his mother because he has her in a high pedestal) He worries himself sick about her all of the time, she even told him that she had cancer for the Dr to say different when he wanted to talk to her Dr. (She is afraid that her act would fall to pieces if he talks to the doctor) However the accident that she had was genuine and not put on. This morning I suggested that he and I go to an airshow his reaction was "Great idea, Mum will love that". (I would have said "Nope, I rather we go by ourselves". You will have a very tough relationship with him if he doesn't stand up for himself against her)
About my daughter I don't think that she ever felt replaced for the simple fact that she always demanded my attention 100% to the detriment of my son. (The way she felt you chose your boyfriend over her communicates she felt unloved, replaced, neglected and lack attention growing up. If she didnt feel replaced she would have never felt you choose him over her, she would have been understanding. The way she always demanded your attention shows she always felt the need to do something on order to receive love. I do believe what you are saying, its just her actions are not of someone who felt loved) She does have mental health issues that have never been diagnosed. (If they were not diagnosed, then im guessing it was never treated?, if the answer is yes then thats a lot of unresolve issues she has) As a teen she kept taking overdoses and was very nearly sectioned. (This tells me she didnt feel loved or felt like she didnt get attention which is why she probably went to high lengths to receive love and attention) The psychiatrist told me that her brain wasn't wired the way most people's were and she sees the world differently. (Hmmmm, thats a strange diagnosis, she definetly had something serious based on her behavior) I pushed and pushed for a diagnosis (my thinking was that if i knew what it was I could find out how to help her) but they refused saying they didn't want her to go through life with a label. (In other words they had zero clue of what she had) She left school at aged 13 because the school couldn't cope with her and she couldnt cope with school, she had home schooling via the hospital school. My daughter had all of my attention trust me, (I do believe you, in no way shape or form Im doubting your words because you did everything in your power to get her what she needs. Did her father do the same for her?) I fought and fought for her to try to find a way that she could cope with everyday life. (You did great here. You tried everything, its just something was going on that needed a proper diagnosis because her behavior at times were very serious) As she grew up she became more able to cope (True, but the unresolved issues are still on the back of her mind, so they are certain things that will trigger her) and had children of her own, she still has problems with her views of the way she sees situations and people though. (They are some situations where she will get very anxious and then jump to the wrong conclusion, then she will make decisions on the fly based of fear. I do believe she probably doesn't trust people that much) Before she cut me out of her life I always helped her with that, I now believe she is has high functioning autism. My older grandson is very much the same as her and has been diagnosed. He and I are very close because I understand him and I help him to understand the world around him as I did his mother. Although it is easier with him than it was with my daughter because with her I had to muddle through with no help or diagnosis whatsoever. (I dont know about autism since i never really read it, but did she received some sort of treatment about this?)
She was constantly angry for a very long time (Anger is never a stand alone feeling, it comes from other feelings
Those feelings is what triggered the anger) and didn't understand why the world worked the way it did no matter how hard I tried to explain. She probably is still very angry that I couldn't 'fix the world' for her but I know hand on heart that I tried my hardest and I could have done no more.
I do actually understand why my daughter and my partner are the way they are but it doesn't make it any easier. (Part of the problem is that you let them manipulate you into doing what they want, so they won't really value or respect you) f anything I feel that because I understand I should be able to make things better (yes, there goes the people pleased thing).
Actually my mother was very much the same as my daughter also, (We are attracted to whats familiar, so you will be attracted to partners who have similar traits as your parents because in the unconscious mind it feels thats how love should be.) I could never please her or make her happy no matter how hard I tried. (This tells me your mother had unmet needs, so she couldn't properly soothe your feelings, made you feel like you are not good enough, and would often withdraw love from You. You surpressed your needs while pleaser so she wouldn't leave you and now you are doing this with your partner and daughter)Having learnt a lot about high functioning autism ince my grandsons diagnosis I believe that she had the same condition.
Because I am constantly driving to make everything better for these people I am enabling them to carry on treating me the way they do. (I think that you are afraid of not receiving their love or being abandoned so you assume the role of a pleaser to be close to them, however they just dont treat you with respect) I know I need to find that inner voice that decides that enough is enough and I have feelings too. I need to find a way to gain control of my life and not let others control it. It is afterall my life and not theirs...(Thats true, they will only stop once you decide that enough is enough. You are not their bulter or assistant)
See I get all brave and I know this is what I need to do but then I feel guilty and think to myself "but they have problems, there are reasons why they are the way they are" and I feel the need to help them... (They are adults, you are not responsible for how they feel, they are responsible for it. You cant help someone unless they are able to help themselves. This is your unconscious way of trying to fix the attachment trauma you had with your parents)
I have downloaded several CBT books to work through until I can get an appointment with a CBT therapist. It really has helped to write this down and your responses have made me think more clearly. (Im not familiar with CBT, however i do recommend you check out attachment theory to further understand their behavior) I know it is not going to be an easy road to go down, after all I am the way I am and have been this way my whole life. Can people really change the way they are?(They would first need to admit they have problem and willing to fix it) Is it to deep rooted and now part of my make-up forever? We will see...
Update...
Well, where do I start? The first week in September we went on holiday, of course his mother came with us. The very first day she had a fall resulting in a fractured shoulder, broken arm and a small fracture in her hip. We have had her living at my partners home ever since. I pop home once a week so I can see my grandchildren but most of the time I am at his house helping to look after her. We are sleeping on an air bed in the lounge as she has the only bed. He has back and hip problems and I have a chronic pain condition called reflex sympathetic dystrophy so we are both in a lot of pain.
We are confined to the house for the most part because understandably she doesn't want to go anywhere so boredom and increasing pain levels from sleeping on an air bed are causing a lot of stress. He keeps on losing his temper everyday to the point both his mother and I are frightened to say anything in case it causes him to blow up again.
Last week I was so sick my Dr rushed me to the hospital to try and get my pain levels under control, he got very angry with me and has since barely talked to me. Yesterday it all came to a head, he told me to go home and not come back until the weekend. He then went on a long rant about me not wanting to marry him again and then hinted that he may commit suicide because he is depressed. I have come home but worry that his mother can not even dress herself, he can not cook and she will not eat anything he does try to cook. Her weight is a serious issue (she only weighs 4st) and she can not afford to lose any more. I need to be there (even if I don't want to be). I want to help but I actually feel that these two people don't deserve me pushing myself to the point I get taken to hospital myself. His mother refers to me as her 'lady-in-waiting' as she issues her 'orders' and i really do feel like some kind of servant because there is no appreciation for what I am doing.
Before anyone asks there is nobody else to help, his brother has only had her for a few hours in the five weeks we have been looking after her, incidently she thinks he is her 'golden boy' and he can do no wrong. My partner is understandably very, very angry about this and this is fueling his frustration and stress. The crazy thing is he takes this all out on his mother and l shouting and screaming in our faces telling us we need to tell his brother how it is yet when he sees his brother he is all sweetness and light.
I don't know how much longer she will need looking after for, I just know I am at home crying my eyes out because the situation feels impossible. My gut is telling me I need to go back to help her but my gut is also telling me I need to run for the hills and never look back.
