Shattered and Stuck (TW: sex addiction)
Almost two years ago, I discovered my husband’s 20+ year sex/escort addiction and my world totally shattered. He’s working on recovery, and I’m trying to heal and find self-worth. I love him and do not want to give up on us but don’t know if our marriage is sustainable/if I am settling due to hope for change or fear of leaving. Reaching out to not isolate and convince myself that this is actually real.
@rp89
I think it shows a great deal of compassion and willingness to forgive, just to have kept the relationship going until now. Do you see progress in his pursuit to recover?
I understand the need for healing. There is no question that you have an abundance of self worth. Not wanting to give up is evidence of that. I can't imagine knowing whether or not the marriage is still sustainable, unless some time passes in which you can determine whether or not you can live with it.
Hoping for change is not the same as settling.
You've been together for at least 22 years. Leaving would be a huge change, and bound to cause anxiety. I think a lot depends on whether or not the healing and recovery is progressing, also whether the discomfort of staying is more or less than the fear of leaving.
Having been through this emotionally traumatic experience, it is really good that you have reached out here. I also think that you have earned the right to receive some counseling, if you can afford it and wish to do it.
What I've learned is that they have to show all of the signs of fixing their addiction (finding the cause), they have to put in the hard work, not trickle truth, lay it all out in the open, sit in your pain with you and hold their blame. They have 0 privacy. There's apps that monitor things such as freedom app to block it all. But if there's a will there's always a way. If they don't want to actually fix their addiction a simple throw away phone does the trick.
@rp89 It is very clear that you have a huge amount of strength and compassion to have stayed and fought for your marriage for so long. Staying and hoping for change is a brave choice, and it shows how much you value the life you have built together over the last 22 years. It makes sense that the fear of such a big change brings anxiety, especially when you are still weighing whether the marriage is sustainable for your own healing. You have every right to take your time and prioritize your own peace as you navigate this trauma. Please remember that you deserve support and care through every step of this journey.