The one that got away
This is a VERY long story but I will try to make it as concise as possible. Stick with me! its all important info to understanding the issue. Just some background on me, I am almost 40, divorced, single mom of a teeanager.
So anyways there is this guy that I grew up with, we went to school together elementary through highschool. I had a crush on him ever since we were little. I never wanted to say anything becasue I didn't want to ruin the friendship. We weren't super duper close but talked at school and on the phone always. I was the girl he talked to about his girlfriends, the one he called to whine and complain to and vent. He was my dream guy, funny, great personality, just an adorable goofy nerd. I don't know if he was into me too because one or the other of us was always in a relationship so it was never the right time. I even dated a close friend of his that I didn't even like just so I could be closer to him and hang out with his friend group.
Anyway the night of highschool graduation he had just broken up with his long time girlfriend and we hung out together at a party all night. I wanted so bad to spill my guts to him then about how I felt but I knew he was leaving for college after that summer and it wouldn't work long distance. So I never said anything. He went away to college and that was it. This was before cell phones so no way to contact each other. I'd see his mom around town and tell her to say Hi to him for me.
Time went on, (a lot of time) I got married, had a kid. I had a bad marriage and got divorced after 12 years. Now all this time I was devoted to my husband even though things were bad, but I would have dreams about this guy all the time, it's not like I was thinking of him, I mean years had passed but he would pop up in my dreams all the time like some kind of angel saving me from this awful marriage. I am a strong believer in signs and dreams.
So anyway fast forward to this April of 2022. I had been divorced 6 years. I had a dream about this guy like always and decided to look him up online. In all these years he has never had an online presence. No myspace, facebook, twitter, nothing. I could never find him. He is very private and an introvert so I just guess it wasn't his thing. I never get intouch with him until I finally found him on instagram. Nothing in his pics pointed to him being married or having kids. So I got up the courage to message him. We messaged on and off for the better part of two days. I was giddy! I had found my one that got away and better yet he was back living in the town where I was, where we grew up, I am living in the house I grew up in and he is living in the house he grew up in. We are litterally 3 minutes from each other. We were catching up and reminiscing. He had never been married and never had kids. I was estatic. Then game the bomb. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said yes, that it was a new relationship but it was going well and that she was jealous that we had been messaging and how stupid that was, My heart broke. I had found my one that got away and he had just started a new relationship. Talk about awful timing. I respectfully stopped messaging him because I mean what do you really say after that, it would seem in poor taste ya know. Well I have been obsessing over him these past three months and I can't let it go. The stars seemed so aligned. So my question is how do I remain on his radar incase this relationship doesn't work out with this girl? How do I ask him if he is still with her without being creepy or or stalkerish? How do I stay in touch with him now? I messaged him on the 4th of July like "Happy Independence day! How is your summer?" Any excuse to message him ya know. We exchanged a few messages but thats it. I don't want to be that girl and break up a relationship. I mean we are almost 40! and he is a good guy anyways, too good for that. Do I tell him how I feel so he will know in case they break-up? Do I somehow let it go? Its just driving me crazy obsessing over it. I need advice please!
@Primrose421 tell him! At first I thought don’t tell him out of respect for another woman, but what if he ends up marrying her?! So I say go all in take your chance now. It can only go two ways good luck and keep me posted 😆
@Blueberry4032 Thanks! I think I can find a way to repsectfully tell him without completey intruding on his relationship. Just hearing someone else say to go for it lets me know that I am not alone in thinking this.
@Primrose421
Damn, that's rough. I don't know. I don't know if telling him is fair. I mean... think how you'd feel in that situation, you know. What I'd do is probably keep a cordial relationship, talking at holidays kinda deal and see what happens with his girlfriend. Though like... it sounds hard man, I'm sorry to hear.
@confusedRaven6140 The funny thing is I have been on the other side of this story. A guy I dated when we were teenagers came to see me a few years ago after we were both divorced and spilled his heart to me telling me that I was the one for him. I did not feel the same way about him so I had to tell him and watch his heart break. I mean we were both single at the time so a little bit different. I was flattered but overwhelmed, even though I kind of sensed he had always felt this way about me. But this guy was very dramatic and way over the top with his proclomation of enduring love for me. I wouldn't quite play it up that way if I choose to tell this guy. I'd keep it a lot simpler. It is a rough situation indeed trust me I know.
@Primrose421
I hope you figure things out :/
Have you ever told him you thought...... he was the one that got away?
It is always nice to hear and when done casually.... not stalker- ish .....
I had a friend tell me he had a crush ... i really did not know as i did not see it like that .... he knew i was married and was not in cards but told me anyway.... was not like "in case it doesn't work out call me...."
Did his new GF happen after you connected or before?
sounds like IF he felt same way he would want to see how things worked out with you.
I know it can be painful but maybe he just is a really good friend and missed your friendship not a romantic thing.
@toughTiger6481 he had just started thee relationship right before we reconnected. I asked if it was serious and he replied that it was a pretty new thing
@toughTiger6481 as far as I know he has no clue that I feel this way about him. I have never out right told him anything close. I think once when we were teenagers I had asked him jokingly why he didn't ever ask me out and he said something to the effect of he was always scared of my boyfrinds that they would beat him up because I dated a lot of thugs.
@Primrose421
It is a tough balance when your in friend zone and not sure or scared to make the change to a romantic zone ... a lot to lose a good friend if things did not work out... i am sure there have been many great loves that never were because people were afraid to let a friend KNOW.
I do not believe (anymore, used to ) that there is "the one" or only one.... i do not have any one person that "got away " but lately definitely wish i had shopped around more.
I think if you’re going to tell him it’s better you tell him now than wait. That way if he feels interest in you he can let his current relationship go before he gets deeper into it and potentially cause more hurt to the her. It’s a tough situation. I get it; seeing someone in your dreams and all and still having those feelings after two decades is intense and seems like this person could be the right one. That said it’s also important to know until you actually pursue something with them you don’t know how good it will be. Yes, you know him as a friend but you don’t know how he is as a partner or intimately. Maybe if you can talk to him just say that you always felt there could be something between you two but you never got the chance to find out. Let him know you respect his relationship and won’t overstep any boundaries but that he knows where to find you (ie how to get in touch) should he want to. You want to at least let him know how you feel so you don’t have to wonder “what if I had”
@annela thank you for your reply. Its just nice to hear someone else say that I should tell him. I agree it is better to do it now than wait for his relationship to deepen. I am worried that he will start to freak out that he is almost 40 and never been married and feel like he should marry this girl as she is his only prosepect (seemingly) ya know. it is almost Mid-life crisis time! you just neve know what turning 40 might do to a person as it is a pretty big milestone.
I am sure I can find a way to repectfuly tell him without overstepping bounds, I hope he takes it that way at least. Now I just have to get up the courage! It can only go one of two ways and rejection is never fun but this one will be profound. ugh. I can't take many more years of what if! so I better lay it all out on the table soon. Everything happens for a reasson, I just have to figure out if I am ready for it to not be the reason I hoped for!
So I got up the courage to message him and asked if he wanted to meet up and get coffee or lunch sometime and just talk. Not too intrusive at all I don't think. And we can just see where things go from there. At least in person I can read him better and see if its a good idea to tell him how I feel or not. Wish me luck!
Go you!
@Primrose421
Good luck!
Good luck to you in this endeavor! I think that’s not bad at all going out for coffee or something. Just keep it casual and a place where you guys can decide at which pace you talk (best to not involve alcohol or something so you can be clear headed I’d say and also not overstep any boundaries he might have with current gf). Feel free to update with how it goes! Best of luck and props to you for taking that step!!!
Well NOT the outcome I expected. I thought it'd go one of two ways, he could say yes or he could say no, turns out there was a far worse third option that I didn't even entertain, getting left on "read". Yes folks he saw my message, read it and decided to ignore it, ignore me. I am somewhat surprised and sad but I guess I finally have my answer and can work on letting it go and putting it behind me now I guess. The fantasy was nice while it lasted. Thanks for letting me vent and for all your advice.
@Primrose421
I'm sorry to hear. :( Sending hugs.
So sorry to hear as well but you never know when the tides can turn.
