Things I wish I could tell you..

I wish I could tell you how much I lost because of the lies you told me and my friends. I have no one, and my best friend of 10 years hardly speaks to me anymore because of what happened. You can't keep secrets and I hope that the next time someone tells you why they are still alive you don't tell everyone and their dog and make them regret living like you did to me. You have made me fear trusting and being close to anyone. I hope that you have learned from this and will treat people better, I know that I will never have a paranoid free relationship again. Even after all of this I still wish you the best and to move on from this because I used to care a lot for you and it doesn't all die away. No matter how much I wish I could hope you live a miserable life I can't. Life is to short to spend it hating people who have hurt you.

Mom:I know you are in a really bad moment like the rest of our family. But why you can't open your eyes and see I'm not ok? Did you will understand how i really feel one day? I wish I could tell how the school for me is like a hell,with a lot of fake persons. And all that thing about living with grandma make me very stressed, i love grandma but you know how she is. Please, open your eyes and see I'm not doing a drama or all the bad feelings I have aren't "normal".

Dad:I know you're sick,and I admire how strong you're. But unfortunately I can't say you some things because you can get worst. But, please,open your eyes and see you are separating from us? You can't see how you make mom sad when you sometimes choose your mom,dad,brother or sister over she!? You don't see they make mistakes and aren't "perfect"? You don't see I hate my school and all the people who try to "help" me do ANYTHING?!

I wish I could tell you two how I feel,and sometimes I just want disapear...

But I still love you.

I don't really pray or wish for things, yet I find myself praying with ever fiber of my being that you will fall in love with me; that you and I won't breakup. God I'm praying you'll pick staying by my side.

I wish... I wish I could tell you how much I despise you right now. That ths hate is evolving into something much stronger and sinister... indifference. I'm starting to not care anymore. About you, about this place, about me, about my life. I don't care. I've become a ticking time bomb. I could go over the edge any second.

I'd tell you that, I would. But I can't. Do you know why? Because I've tried calling you for the past three days. I've left messages. I've sent texts. All of it, an exercise in futility, serving only to cause me more frustration, sadness, anger, resentment, and pain. All those emotions, in the wake of the storm, are turning into apathy.

I don't care anymore. Because you don't care anymore. Let's see which one of us dies first, shall we?

Thought I oughta tear the curtain down.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you and your dorky laugh.

I wish I could tell you how mad it makes me to see you with your new girlfriend and realizing, that when we were going out you used to say how busy your life is, that there's no place for a gf in it. And now it's your 3rd gf after me... It makes me so sad, i can feel physical pain

I wish I could tell you how deeply I am hurting and how badly I need your affection.

You have been the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me but I feel like we just don't click anymore. We lost the friendship somewhere along the way and I don't trust you anymore. I wish we could start all over again but it's done. I'm done trying. I've lost all hope in you

If I tell you that I will kill myself, would you stay?

Dear Parents, I wish that I didn't feel like I had to hide so much from you guys. I wish I could be open and share things with you but it just can't be that way. I'm sorry I can't be the perfect daughter you deserve. But of course, you wouldn't know that I'm broken inside because I always pretend to be perfect. For your sakes. I wouldn't want you to know that I have an anxiety disorder, that I cry myself to sleep at night, that I'm not the amazing child you should have gotten. I'm sorry that someday you will have to find all of this out. Of course I wanted to be the smart, athletic, social, straight, attractive, middle-class girl that I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry that I'm not. It doesn't make it any easier that you make fun of me to "toughen me up". In reality, it just breaks me even more and makes me feel unloved. I wish I wasn't this delicate and useless. It doesn't help that you say transphobic and homophobic things in front of me. It just makes me ashamed and scared of who I am. It doesn't help that you tell me to go out and be social. It just makes me more depressed over all of the friends who have left me or bullied me. I'm sorry that you may never know any of this. I'm sorry that I'm getting worse every day and I'm still too scared to tell you. I don't know why I ended up like this. I wish I could have been better. I really do. I'm sorry.

Dear sister, I love you so much. I'm sorry that I have to be such a mess. I try to hide it from you so you don't worry about me. I'm sorry if you ever think I'm mean or don't love you when I snap at you, it's not you I promise. I want you to know that I will always be your big sister and I will always be your best friend. You can always talk to me and I will always try to help, no matter how broken I am inside. No matter how old we get I will always be here for you, to talk about anything from silly gossip to serious matters. I want to watch you grow up and help you through all of your problems. I will never have anyone to warn me about the challenges of life so it's my job now to do that for you so you don't have to go through things alone and blind like I did. P.S. Can I have your apple?

Dear best friend, you have saved my life. You are my only friend who has never hurt me. I watch my other friends bully me and then leave me anyway. You always stayed. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize that you have anxiety problems. Isn't it funny that I have them too? I've known you since we were five and I never get tired of seeing you. I'm so very sorry for that time I hurt your feelings. You probably don't even remember, it wasn't that big of a deal to you. But it destroyed me to see that I had messed up with our friendship and I will never forget it. I'm sorry that you often feel like you can't say certain things in front of me. I will always listen and I will always want to be your best friend. The thing you don't know is that I often feel the same way. I'm sorry that our ex-friends had to hurt you like they did. I'm sorry that you got so close to them and they shot you down. If it makes you feel any better, I abandoned them for you. So what if I lose all of my friendships because the only friend I ever need is you. I'm sorry that you will never truly understand how much you mean to me. I love you more than I love myself.

Dear ex-friends, why did you do it? Why did you have to hurt my best friend like that? You told her she was a "bad influence" and then you threw her to the curb. I would say that you were the bad influences, not her. You never really cared about her, you never listened to her problems and knew her like I do. She has serious anxiety problems and part of it is your fault. You were my best friends for years and now I don't talk to you anymore. After you crushed my best friend, I stopped hanging out with you because she was always more important to me. Anyway, who wants to be friends with bullies? It really hurts you know, that after I stopped texting you did too. It made me realize that you never really valued our friendship if you didn't even notice I was gone. One of you moved all the way from Texas and I reached out of my shy bubble from the start just to be your friend. You thanked me by leaving me to pursue popularity. I'm sorry I wasn't cool enough for you. I took you back when they dumped you. I regret taking you back, you didn't deserve a second chance after hurting me like that. I let you stay for years. You started getting really close with my best friend and I was left behind again. You will never understand how crushed I was when you took her away from me. We were changing schools and I was left all alone. Then you all of the others dumped her and by default, me too. Now I watch as you go chasing after the cool kids again, not even thinking about me. I'm sorry I wasted my time on you. I can't believe I thought you were different. I want you to know that all of the people that you've dumped over the years are quite happy together, without you. I hope you are happy with the choices you've made because I sure am happy with mine. Goodbye.

Dear bullies, I don't know why you do it. There are so many people who have bullied me. One of you has bullied me since I moved to the US. I was a small child, I still am, you were always very large and intimidating, and you still are. You picked on me over my size. Then you told me you wanted to be my best friend. You threw me to the ground and then invited me to your birthday party. You even gave me a black eye. I hope you're really happy with yourself, that black eye was really hard to explain to my parents. I was only 7. I thought I got rid of you but you wouldn't let me go. You stalked me for an entire. My fatal flaw seems to be that I'm forgiving. I let you try again. And yet again, I had lots of fun explaining why I would come home with bruises and teary eyes. You even strangled my friend. You were always a bully, that's just who you are. My other bullies weren't called bullies though. They called themselves my friends. One of you made fun of my acne and boyish figure, another told me I was annoying and useless every time I talked to you. One of you even told me my anxiety was fake and all for attention. I hope you are all very happy. You people are the reason that I have severe anxiety and self-confidence issues. Thanks. I know I should cut all of the bad people out of my life but the problem is if I did, I would only have one friend left. I guess I just attract bad people.

Dear people I look up to, thank you. You made me feel cool even though I'm a loser, happy even though I'm lonely, and normal even though I'm a mess. My parents call me antisocial but what do they know. When I sit alone in my room everyday listening to your music or watching your YouTube videos or watching your TV shows, I feel safe. If only I could meet you and tell you how important you are. I know that always be nothing to you but you are everything to me. I'm sorry that you will never be able to know how much you mean to me. I would be so much worse without you to keep me sane. My family can call me weird and lazy and friendless but I will always feel like you care. Thank you for making me feel loved without ever knowing me. I love you too.

Dear society, where did I go wrong? Sure, I never tried to fit in but I never tried to not fit in either. You tell me that I need to be skinny and then tell me that it's unnatural and a bad example for children to be this thin. You tell me that my body isn't curvy enough to be attractive and then you tell me to love myself. How can I mess up if I was never trying? I can't tell what you want anymore. Is it empowering or unattractive for women to smart? Is it important or patronizing to be liked by men? Make up your mind. You shove all of my flaws in my face and then tell me how loved I am once it's too late. I want to like my pretty blue eyes and golden brown hair. I want to like that I'm naturally skinny. I want to like that I'm intelligent. I defy your rules but you still make your way into my brain, shaming me for who I am. Why do you keep me around if I'm such a mistake anyway? I'm sick of you.

Dear anxiety, please leave me alone. I never asked for you so why are you here? You tell me that there's nothing I can do to escape and then tell me that it's all in my head. You tell me that I'm worthless and then tell me that no one understands my pain. You tell me that people are scary, horrible, judgmental creatures and then you tell me that if I don't get more friends I will end up sad and alone. You make me trip over my own words and want to curl into a ball every time I speak. Please tell me why I cry myself to sleep sometimes. Please tell me why you take over my thoughts every day. Please tell me why you make me feel nauseous every time I'm in a crowd. Please tell me why you've been here since I was 7. Please just tell me why you're still here after all this time. You make me hate everything about myself. Why should I love myself if no one else ever will? That's what you say. I don't want to believe you but how can I not believe you. After all, you're just me in the end.

Dear me, I love you. No matter what you think every day, you're really great. I totally think you should tell your parents about your issues, I'm sure they will love you either way. I understand that it's not that easy but I want you to try. You need to always be there for your little sis because she really looks up to you. Don't let her down. Your best friend, despite what she thinks she does not secretly hate you. She appreciates you so stop beating yourself up over it. Don't lose her because she's really important, ok? Also, all of the people who have hurt you can go jump in a well. I'm really sorry that you had to put up with them for so long but it's over now so you can relax. And stop telling yourself that it was your fault that your friendships didn't work out, they chose to be horrible not you. I know that you've always had problems with bullies and they might continue. You are really shy and you hate to offend people so it will never be easy to stand up for yourself. So I just want you to know that I'm really proud of you. You've been so strong so far in not letting the bullies get you down too much and hopefully someday you will be brave enough to stop this. By the way, don't listen to the people who tell you to change. I know that you've been struggling to find yourself your whole life but now you're closer than ever to being who you want to be so don't lose that. Don't you dare try to be cool, that's overrated. Finally, don't let you get you down. No one hates you like you think. I know its stupid advice but please calm down. If there's anyone you should strive to please, it's yourself. Just try, okay? I love you very much. Stay awesome.

Sincerely,

Me