Things I wish I could tell you..

Dear Jon,

I wish you knew, how often you are a hero to me

Dear siblings,

All those times I called you ugly and stupid, I know it hurt you far beyond the point when I'd forgotten I had said it. Just as it always scarred my soul when you said those things to me. We are one another's likenesses, and I weep to remember the times when we were constantly at war with one another--but really only with ourselves.

Dear dating friends,

I always give advice to yall but none of yall actually try to make an effort to ask if I wanna talk about relationships that could be with me. I also play match maker but no one admits to it but when I get advice it's dull and stupid and irrational. Always 50% and never the 110% like I give it. So consider me next time and my hidden feelings so you can vent, that maybe I want someone too

Bryan, I wish I could tell you

Every time you talk about how ugly you are, I wish I had the courage to tell you that you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I wish I could explain to you why my eyes tear up, and why I get silent, that it's because it hurts me when you say that. You are the sort of beautiful that can only happen on accident, and is the most precious of all. I could not love you more if you had been my own child.

I want to tell you I'm sorry for not consoling you the day you cried before me, curled up on a playground in a faraway place because someone had stolen your heart and then damaged it. I should have made you forget about him. I should have loved you so much you forgot you were hurting.

I wanted to tell you how much it hurt me when you cut yourself and then gave me a vial of your blood, because you were already beautiful, you just couldn't see yourself through my eyes. And when you started drinking, I could feel you drifting away from me and it hurt more than anything else ever had, and I was so alone I wanted to die too. When you said you were smoking as a way of slowly killing yourself, I started buying you cigarettes because I was willing to do anything for you to keep me around. I didn't know how to help you, and I regret that, but I was a child, and you were a child too. Maybe we both didn't know how to help you.

I want to tell you all the times I've wished I could just sweep you up in my arms and care for you, and chase away the people who hurt you, who I've watched hurt you and every time it happens I see you get up weaker than before. I wish I could tell you I know you're not ok but I would do anything to keep you afloat. I want to tell you that if I should fail, I will be the one to make sure you are never forgotten, not ever. I will name my children after you, you who have saved my own life more than once. You are a being of mercy and genuine care, of nurture and kindness and good taste in music. You deserve a thousand times better than the universe has treated you.

And I have loved you, since the first time I sat across from you at lunch and you were eating rhubarb stalks out of a plastic sandwich bag. I loved your gaunt figure, your untamable cowlick and the front teeth you had to grow into, and more than anything I loved the soul inside your body, the one that never gave up on mine, that taught me how to be kind and how to forgive and how to apologize. I will never forget the way you civilized me. I will never forget the ways I contributed to your destruction. You are my earth, and I am your mankind. I will never be able to repay you all you have brought to my life.

Bryan, you are worth something to me. You are worth every god damn thing to me.

Hannah,

I remember the first time we met, we were at a holiday party and you were wearing a white blouse. I remember the sunreflecting off of your black hair. I remember the first time I gathered the courage to talk to you. You were in the mall working at the cookie store. I walked up and you smiled. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The almond colored eyes, the freckles on your face, your infectious laugh.

We became fast friend We'd say good morning and goodnight every single day. We told eachother everything. Our hopes, dreams, and aspirations. We'd talk for hours about Doctor Who, Harry Potter, and other nerdy things. We had nicknames for each other, yours being Kitty, mine Bear...no one else in my life I let give me a nickname.

Even with all the happiness you brought me, I had a deep desire to end myself. You were what was keeping me alive but the darkness was consuming me and changing me. I was no longer the person you knew. You withdrew from me, our friendship was gone, my reason for life was gone. You became further and further from me until now you are someone I used to know.

I miss you Hannah. I miss our talks, our jokes, how id teach you useless history facts. I miss your smile, your laugh, and your biting sarcasm. Where have you gone? Why can't we be like we were? I didn't mean to let this horrible affliction change who I was. It hurts my soul to know that you want nothing to do with me. I miss my best friend. Please, I would do anything to have things like they were.

Dear Family,

I wish I could tell you how much I've always needed you. How lost I have always been without you. How angry I am that you never protected me. I wish I could tell you that the longing to be your little girl, your niece, your granddaughter never goes away. I wish I could tell you that your unconditional love could have saved me so many times. I wish I could tell you that I wish I didn't love any of you.

Dear family,

I can't put to words on how shitty my life is. I can't tell you how every time you guys call me names how much it freaking hurts me. I can't tell you how much I miss my father cause there's no words for that. I hate when you guys are never there for me but I am there for you. I hate the fact I forgive you so many times I lose count. I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment, I can't be who you want me to be. I hate the fact I can't make any choices for myself. I hate the fact I'm in pain almost everyday. I hate the fact I don't have a loving family to support me. I hate the fact you don't know I cry at night. I hate the fact you don't really know me.

Dear Liam,

i whish I could tell you, you are an amazing friend. You are an amazing person, since we became friends my life has had more purpose. I wish I could tell you I've thought about suicide, but never did it, because I knew that it would make you pained. I love your imperfections, your braces, your crocked smile, and stupid puns, I honestly don't know how you put up with me. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't Matter what anyone says about you, you are the best friend anyone could offer, and if they can't see it their blind. I wish I could tell you just how much you mean to me, you are truly amazing.

I wish I could see you one last time. I don't think that's going to happen... we missed each other last week. We were so close, but life got in the way. It has a tendency to do that to us. I wanted to see you, get your "blessing", if you will, before heading west. The thing about going so far away, is that I have a feeling we'll never see each other again, unless it's a funeral. Grim, I know. You're not well. I'm not well. We don't know what might happen down the road. Life's a gamble, and we're both ticking time bombs. The only difference is that my odds are a lot better. Your body is sick, whereas my mind is sick.

Still, I can't make you any promises. You tell me that all you want for me is to be happy and healthy. I can't promise that. I can't tell you I'll stop cutting. All I can do, is tell you that I'll try my hardest to survive, and I'll try to make you proud. No promises, though. I learned long ago that there are certain promises I can't keep. I'll try. I hope that's enough. It's the best I can do.

I'll be thinking of you, every step of the way, as I pursue my career out west. I would never have gotten this chance without you. Yeah, I worked hard... but you motivated me and pushed me. You cared about me. You believed in me. I guess you never stopped being there for me, really.

I haven't cried yet, although I suspect I will soon. I'll miss you. You're special to me. You've become something of an old friend. I'm not good with goodbyes, especially with the important people in my life. I'll call you, though. Yeah, I'll call you. Don't pick up the phone... I'll leave a message.

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

Dear Julie,

im sorry I didn't pick up the phone when you called. Instead, I let the machine get it. You were calling to give me courage and lend an ear...I was avoiding everyone. I never thought I'd never see you again. I'm so sorry about what happened to you. I'm sorry that I found out you were in worst pain than I was but you still tried to be everything for everyone. I'm sorry I never got to tell you how much I appreciated you and loved your happy spirit. I'm sorry people found out your secrets. I wasn't one of them who judged you. Please forgive me for blowing you off that day....I was hiding but not from you, just from myself. I would've liked you to see how I've grown up and changed. Im not small and quiet anymore, I have a voice like you had. I understand now how hard it was for you. I would've been your friend and I could've helped you but as fate would have it, you died so suddenly. I wish I picked up the phone and heard your voice...I know you were just trying to help, so thank you.