Things I wish I could tell you..

Mom, Dad, I wish you could start to see that I'm not okay and not brush it off as "just another teenage thing". I'm not okay. I don't do well in school because during every big test I have a panic attack, to the point where I can't breathe or focus on what's in front of me. I wish you could see that every time I smile, it's just to mask what i'm really feeling. I'm not the perfect daughter, I'm broken and you don't see that. I've been suffering from these anxiety attacks for so long and they just get worse, but I can't talk to you about it. Every time you two argue it doesn't help because I just feel like i'm the only reason you two are together when I know you two aren't happy being with each other. Mom, everything you say when we argue sticks with me and sometimes it's what i think about when there's a blade in my wrist. Sometimes I feel like you hate me, because i'm not the daughter you were hoping for. I know you wanted the perfect daughter who's not only smart but extremely talented, the daughter who you can show off to all your friends and brag about her accomplishments. Dad, I know you try to be there for me and stick up for me when mom's yelling at me, but you try to brush my feelings off as just a phase. You've said that you support me in whatever I do but deep down, I know you wish I would stop dwelling on stuff that isn't academic related. To you the bands I obsess over, the people who i met online (who have helped me through everything and have been there for me when you and mom weren't) are just another phase that you think I'll eventually grow out of. Maybe your right, but for the longest time music and my online friends have been my only source of happiness and have been there to make me feel like i belong in this world. When you two fight, they were there for me and taught me how to block you two out. When you tell me that i should stop talking to them. You were trying to cut me off from the only people who were able to lift me up when you and mom caused me to fall deep down a never ending hole. I just want you two to realize that your not helping me by constantly arguing, shutting down any and all ideas I have for MY future, brushing my feelings off as a phase, ignoring me to let me deal with my problems by myself... I know I push you two away but that's only because you two make it hard to talk to you. I've imagined time after time just walking into your room and telling you everything. From the cutting, to the suicidal thoughts, everything. But then I imagine what'll happen afterwards. You'll ignore it. Say i should stop going on the internet because that's why i'm acting like this. You'll find every reason to blame something else instead of trying to help. I just want you to help. I'm sick and tired of feeling this way. Feeling lonely, upset, anxious, scared and much more... I'm sorry for not being the daughter you two always wanted.

Thanks for being there for me. When others gave up on me, you believed in me. You saw something great inside of me, something I still can't see... but you always made a point to remind me that it's there. That I have a pure heart, even though I feel anything but pure. Thank you for being able to read between the lines of all that I said, and helping me open up to someone. I'm sorry it was you. You didn't deserve to be pulled into my personal Hell with me, to worry about me so much, and wonder if I'd ever get better. But you didn't mind, at least you never really showed that you did.

You tried so many things to help me, to the point of even getting me help. Whether it was a long dragged out conversation after class, or text messaging in the late evenings, you were there. You could relate. We were both from the school of hard knocks. I was the underdog, you once said. You always cheered for the underdog.

I never told you how much this all means to me. Your kindness, your words, your tutelage. I never told you how many razor blades I threw down the sewer drains because of something you said that wrapped a bandage around my soul. I never told you how many times I wanted and was ready to tak my life, but something you said stopped me.

You cared. You thought I was worth something. I think about you everyday. I remind myself of what you keep saying to me, every time we speak with one another now: "Call me if you need anything." And some days, I really want to. Just to get something off my chest, talk about the static in my head with a real human being, someone who's been around the block more than a few times. Every time I stop myself from picking up the phone. You've done enough. I know you'll be there if I call, but I care about you too much to do so.

Thank you for everything.

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

I dress as a woman and love it. I have done it since I was younger but got in trouble twice with my mom when I was young so I've hid it. I love being a girl and a boy. I don't want to get surgery to become one because I love being like this I just don't like the fact that I can't be girly and wear cute things or act emotional because I'm a guy. I love you babe and I wish you could accept me the way I am but I know you're not even if you support others like me you still want a REAL man by your side and not me and cute little sissy that all she wants is to be loved and held and to stop pretending to be a man because I dislike having to be one all the time. I'm fine in my body because God gave it to me but I still want to be a woman. I want to be the woman I see in the mirror when I dress up and do my hair make up and nails. That sweet, beautiful, caring woman that I am on the inside.

To Giuseppe,

First of all, thank you so much, for everything you did and still do. I do appreciate it, because you aren't forced, you wanted to do it.

I want you to know that I miss you sk much, I don't know if I miss your person or your memory, but I miss you. I feel something towards you, but I don't know if it is something romantic or a love like a daughter for her father. I just know I feel something towards you.

Dear you, I want you to know that I am sorry, I will never be happy, I have lost the game with the life, you believe in me but I cannot do this.

Grow a pair, stop wallowing and go get a damn job. You're a perfectly desirable young man, but your worst enemy is your brain. You talk yourself out of everything and I really wish you wouldn't. Just go out there. Do it.

I'm disappointed you're being homeschooled. Mainly selfish, because I want you to be at school for me. It's because you can't balance school with your life and I understand you hate it. But it hurts without you and with the fact that I can never visit you due to your flakiness or my inability to plan. I ignore your messages sometimes because I feel like I'm not worth your time.

Dad, mom. I wish you both would understand that I'm my own person. For crap's sake, my first and middle name aren't even mine! I'm changing the latter first chance I get. You both favor my brother whether you want to admit it or not, I know it's true. You only want me in the country so you can bother me and burden me with everything, including your care. You know what? You both favored him, you go to him. I'm leaving first chance I get. Hell, I'm planning in secret. You losers have one year to fix it or I will leave the country and you will never see me again. I've said I wanted to die, but you dismiss it. Meanwhile, my brother has booze and a gun and some dire straits and I have to help take care of him. I don't care if I'm the oldest, I never asked to have a sibling! Hell, I never asked to be stuck in this craphole town! I'm sick of working around everyone and being asked to understand everyone, meanwhile nobody shows any understanding to me.

Brother, I'm done taking care of you. You are inconsiderate, stupid and you have yet to learn from your consequences. Then again, you have only recently begun to face consequences. You deal with them.

Mom, you keep making me doubt myself, moving the goal posts of what I should want and then you get mad. I know your dad left you and grandma, but that doesn't mean I should cater to males I'm related to. You are completely incapable of listening or being on time. Both are extremely disrespectful. I can see why you lost your only patient if you treated her like you treated me.

Dad, we're probably never going to be close. I know you don't like me because I'm too different from you. We grew apart and you didn't seem to care. I think the only reason why you let me stay is because mom would be pissed at you if you didn't. You yell at me and have been mean to me even as a joke. You know I'm sensitive but you have yet to consider it.

I wish I could tell you I was done. No more sitting here waiting for you to give me your time. No more being bottom of the list. You tell me I'm amazing and deserve the world and yet your actions show me that you don't believe it. That every other person you come across is more deserving of your time than me. You just turn up when you're feeling down and hard done by and expect me to drop everything and make you feel better.

I wish I could tell you I'm not doing this any more. But without you up my life I have no one.

I wish I could tell you that I'm starting another downward spiral. I wish I could warn you that it's about to get hard again. I wish I could tell you that I'm paranoid that you'll stop loving me, and I wish I could tell you id understand if you did. I wish I could explain that it's not your fault that I worry about us. I wish I could tell you I'm going to be okay again soon.

I wish I could tell you I love you. But yet you say that we were never anything...