Things I wish I could tell you..

I wish I could tell you how I feel all the time but I cant. I wish I could help you with your feelingsore, but I cant.

I wish i could tell you that i'm sad and i'm breaking down. I'm lost. I'm always lost. I wish i could tell you that i'm not fine. That it hurts, it hurts so much that i don't want to live anymore. I wish i could tell you that i'm not happy anymore. I lost myself because of you guys. Because i wanted to make you proud. I don't know what to do anymore. I wish you guys knew. I wish.

I miss you, I love you. I don't know how I am going to do this without you. But I'm gonna try. And I'm gonna make you proud.

I wish I could tell you all that runs through me and comes out in my dreams. Waking with pain and bruised arms and the overwhelming feeling of fear anger sadness. Hoping for compassion but doubting its existence. Lonely path. Not sure who to trust

I'm struggling. I want to talk to my friends but I'm suffocated by guilt that I would ruin there day. The last thing I want is to drag people down with me.

I wish I could tell you that I need you more than anyone. Distance and time isn't going to keep us apart unless you let it, I don't want a relationship or something that is fickle and fragile like that anymore. I just want you, in whatever state you come in, in whatever form you may take. I'm sorry that I'm crazy, I'm sorry that I hurt you and I scream and I'm not logical or happy enough for you.

I want to tell you, or someone, anyone, that I'm struggling so much these days. That I'm drowning, like you used to say. That what that insufferable psychiatrist said was true. That one day, I'll end up going through with it.

Even though I know it's true, that one day, I'll just go over the edge, again, but never come back... that I keep on wanting to try, even just one last time, to reach out, to speak up, and to be heard. There's still a faint, dying fire of hope buried deep among my viscera. It's there, trying to keep my heart warm though it grows cold and dead with the passing hours.

I want to call you. I want to tell you what's in my head, and about the sutures, and the pills... but I won't. I never will. This is it, after all. I said my goodbyes. And yeah, sure, we may see each other from time to time. We still have each other's phone numbers. However, it feels necessary to spare you the drugged-up, bloody details of the past two weeks. I'm not your problem anymore, anyway. Maybe it's best that way. I've been trying to destroy this connection we have for months now, but it'll never go away.

So I'll wait. I'll wait and see if I ever get the nerve to call you without hanging up, or if you'll ever call me, just on the off chance to see how I'm doing, if I've found a doctor yet, blah blah blah... I'll wait a little longer. Not much longer, though.

Even if, by chance, there was someone else... I wish there was someone else. But I trust so few these days. Life is hard, with no one to trust. All I want to do is confide in someone. Try and find a way to stop feeling like this, even though it seems impossible...

Wish you were here.

I wish I could tell you I'm slowly fading away like a lit cigarette but, I don't know how to and I'm sorry for that.

I told you about my cutting and anxiety and the way you acted when you found me crying the following week. The way you started screaming at the people who caused my breakdown... It was the first time anyone's ever stood up for me. Thank you.

I wish I could tell you the truth even if it's only part of it