looking back were the signs there or are you just seeing things differently ?
I do not want this to be too long but since i am finding it helpful to vent about some relationship issues i am having.... I wonder if others have felt or seen things like this
My marriage is mostly just comfortable room mate type thing anymore .... he seems ok with that but i want more then that out of life. he has some medical issues that have sort of ended our sex life.
Instead of telling me he just avoided the discussion and i felt it was me.... i lost weight got in shape dressed better etc made ZERO difference ... when confronted he said "not you it is me"
but that is NOT reassuring or helpful. read up on situations with ED and found this is common miscommunication etc. he does not seem to want to discuss with a Doctor and said "if i can not tell u how can i talk with a stranger about this..." i feel if he cared he would talk to his doctor maybe nothing can be done but he is NOT even trying.
I felt hurt and very angry because if this issue affected his golf game he would travel the world for a cure..... i began chatting with other people that make me feel good about myself encouraging remarks like wow you look really good and younger etc....
his response to my fitness efforts is " it is coming along " or my favorite said a few times "you do not get to chose where the weight loss is on your body" I lost 50 lbs very noticeable. it is insulting that neighbors compliment me but my spouse seems indifferent.
I have been chatting with a male friend who is very encouraging makes me feel amazing and like i am the HOT girl ....
I began looking back at my marriage and realize spouse always made me feel like a wallflower not ugly but not the woman you would notice first......... I recently changed my hair and spouse said "i do not notice that much never have " I just want to know if he is being hurtful on purpose or why he ever dated and married me......... he is no prize but i never made him feel less then.
The only time he said great compliments about me was to other people that he did not know i overheard. maybe i want to rationalize my interest in the other man who thinks i am attractive or maybe i did not see how spouse views me.....
if you are in a relationship tell the person what you like or love about them do not make them feel like a " i could do worse" type .....it is crushing to the person
@toughTiger6481
Hi.
Maybe it is time for you to go to therapy for couples.
@Helgafy
I appreciate the thought but .......
Therapy IMO only works if people actually do it like diets.... He will not participate .....
he thinks there is NOTHING wrong. having done individual therapy I know the drill
the thought of watching him nod his head say things like "i never thought of that " 'We could try that" and then walking out screaming about "we paid how much for that crap?"
would push me over the limit.
I feel you on some of this. Not the same root issue you’re having with your spouse but the wanting more out of it and they seeming ok with what you’re getting. I think some people will think it’s selfish but who is to say we don’t deserve to feel more fulfillment, or that I’d we had known this is how it would be maybe we wouldn’t have settled down with this person. Obviously all men are different but it would seem he would want to fix the issue as he would want to be sexual with his wife unless his sex drive/confidence are just both at zero. Sounds like there is a lot of complacency and you’ve done what you can to try to revive the relationship
@annela
Thank you for your response it helps that someone else gets it ....the root cause may be different but when you are looking at this person and thinking this is miserable and you seem fine with it....?
I did not say anything for a long time thinking I was selfish etc ... but i no longer believe that ..... I am losing my ability to stay complacent and quiet..... I spoke up and told him many things and a few items he has tried to step up and do but .... it seems like the harder he tries the worse it gets....
He just today comes up with ideas like "I will make you a special dinner tonight" .....he then suggests items i barely tolerate but are HIS favorites .... how can someone spend so much time together and simply not SEE or CARE that he just projects his preferences on me.
It is as if I do not exist....... He wants to argue about items ....
telling me I have always liked this or that ....on things i have NEVER ever liked.
i look around like am I being Punked or is this an episode of the twilight zone. He lives in a fantasy relationship that only he will ever understand or ENJOY. I am looking elsewhere ....
I think it sounds as though there are differences between you too that have come to a head. I wonder if you always noticed these differences or is it all completely new. If you’re truly doing all you can it may be time to go separate ways
@annela
I was just pondering that myself ...wondered if i was truly blind to this before or he just has issues now....
if a marriage fails does it matter when it did ....
i mean a 2 yr marriage people say things like "oh dodged a bullet found out early etc"
but after a long time people wonder how / why/ what happened? .......i mean you have X amount of years in already ...
he is not the same ... he wants me to write down all the things he used to do and he will try again ....like if i have to script it for you ... i do not want a part of it.
it is just creepy .... told him is he is now this clueless how will he ever date again.
thanks for reading at some point i just decided to writ it down for me as few people seem to respond here.
@toughTiger6481 I definitely take interest in reading what is going on and trying to provide some insight/other perspective/brainstorm on solutions. thank you for feeling free sharing in the community here.
people change over time regardless of how long you stay married or not. some people are more static and stay the same while others are dynamic and change and morph as time goes on into different versions. it doesn't matter how long the marriage is people can change at any time. when someone gets divorced early on I think it's just they finally realized this person wasn't right and tried to get out of it as soon as possible. but maybe in your case the issues were either muted/laying dormant or you just didn't notice them, or the issues newly arose. but change and new issues can arise at any time so it happens regardless of length of marriage. it sounds like right now there isn't much room for change or growth and the fact you would have to basically "train" him in how to be shows a slight willingness from him but at the same time as if he's at a loss to who he was before or what made you happy. and that the fact you'd have to write out a list for him only adds to the lack of appeal.
I think a good question is: could you imagine your life without him ?do you have an idea of what that daily life would be like, and not just in the future but in the first days of where to live what you'd do in your daily routine etc. and also are you just romanticizing the idea of being without him? or do you realize being without him will have its own sets of ups and downs
yes i have a second house and another place to go.... some savings until employed again
i am in between jobs at moment ......but have access to all joint money
we have been married a long time and frankly he will be alone without a clue how to run house bills anything i did it all ........ i gave him huge leeway due to some medical issues and depression but he has not done one thing to improve.....
we have grown children who want ZERO to do with him and even the dog he cannot take care of as his work schedule would leave it alone 13 hours a day with no one to let out to go to bathroom
I suppose i have changed too but not like this.... he threw a fit about sink of how they got it wrong NOT him......... even though i had questioned his dimensions before he ordered it ....he screams at me he KNOWS what he is doing
.. it is as if he is slipping away might be early onset dementia and i want out before i will be his nurse.....
he promised to cook dinner tonight ..... i told him i was going over in afternoon/ evening to feed and let out our sons dogs as son and spouse were attending a wedding ........
At 5 pm he text me after being gone ALL day for golf ......... 'When will you be home ?"
i sent this " Son says dogs are to eat at 6:30 so after "
he text "so you will be awhile "
my response " yeah unless you want me to come home now and have to return to feed dogs"
he said he was going to attend an event in the city
i came home at 6:50 ...... no dinner ... no nothing him watching what else is on ...... asked do you want me to go pick up something for dinner ?
his response .... " NO i ate leftovers you refused to tell me when you would be f***ing home bitch"
i read that text to him said any normal human would know it would be after 6 :30 when the dogs get dinner and i has ASKED if he wanted me to come home before feeding them and have to go back
he said that dripped with sarcasm and i was basically saying FU to him........
pleas anyone explain how that is my fault
If* we had known