Two of My Three Children Told Me to Commit Suicide
I even tried. I took 90 klonapin and slept through the night. Two days later the police showed up, because I posted something to a relative that made them think I had just taken the pills and I wound up in a psych ward for 5 days.
I lost my job. I'm, 1099, so you have NO employee protection. And I have 3 weeks to find a new place to live.
Meanwhile I go to a page on "Advice on Suicide". No. 1, Never stay alone. My landlord has sold his house, flown off to the East Coast and I am here alone for the next three weeks.
No. 2 - Talk to a friend or relative who cares. Well, guess what. Only one does and he cannot bear the burden of it alone. So I asked for some help from my other two kids and they told me to just do and put them out of this misery.
No. 3 - Extended family. My closest sister is just going through the joy of her first grandchild's birth, so I can't lay stuff like this on her. Another sister won't talk to me. The third is disabled after three bouts of cancer. Three brothers and only one talks to me, but he is working two jobs and is 3 hours different in time.
no. 4 - Seek Help. There are no local face to face therapists. NV has been overrun since Obamacare started. Most therapists only work 4 days a week, 9 to 5 which is when I'm working - so I use a telephone therapist. I have one scheduled for 6 pm.
I do not want to continue to live my life the way I have for over five years. I can't bear the idea of another 15 or 20 like this since I can never retire. I don't know what to do.
The hospital was surreal. They take away the caffeine and everything assumes a dreamlike quality. they hold therapy sessions where you can't think straight because your brain is so fuzzed. You see a doctor who talks to you for 3 minutes a day, changes your prescription and suddenly you can't sleep. like for 3 days.
Help.
As someone who has lived with depression for at least 10 years, in my opinion, you are completely under the influence of the disease and you need serious professional help (inpatient rehabilitation). Depression makes you find excuses for everything--why this relative shouldn't have to support you, why that option doesn't work--it's like an addiction that takes your brain hostage and feeds itself garbage thoughts and behaviors that perpetuate the depression. I have been an inpatient in a psych ward and while I sympathize with lackluster patient/doctor relationships and marginal patient care, the more of a chance you give it, the more help it will be. You have to give your choices time to work and I really think you need to be in hospital to get this sorted out. You shouldn't be trusting yourself--that is very clear to me reading your posts. Also you might be surprised who pops up to come to your aid when they find out that you're getting yourself some help by checking in to stay for a while. You need to do this and realize that every excuse you're making is bullsh--, it's your disease talking you out of conquering it!!!!
that'samazing
DianaZa, Thank you for posting your story. I don't know if you will ever even read my post as you said you were going to loose much of what you had in 9 days. I can identify with much that you said, not that my situation is as dire as yours, but I have also experienced the pain of depression, the total lack of ability of people and family out there to understand what you are going through and the rejection of your kids.
The reason I am thanking you is because it is helpingme to just know there is someone out there who also knows this pain. Practically you cannot do much for me and I for you, but there is a link. Much like a threat of gossamer easily broken, but still a link.
I wish we could talk some more.
