What do I do? I relapsed again.
TW!!
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I relapsed again! Yay! Obvious sarcasm. Sorry, it's the only way I can handle it.
The past two years I've only done it once in the two Novembers. Why? I don't know. I've done it every year since I was like 11 (not exactly once a year in that same month. It's usually always different) and I haven't done it since November 2023. Until now. I don't know why I did it. I've been trying to convince myself not to for the past two months. But it seems the more I try to help myself or the more I try to get help from others, the more I want to do it. I feel like I want it but I know I don't. It hurts a lot. They aren't that bad though. I call them cat scratches because that's what they look like. I have a patch of toilet paper taped to my leg and I have school tomorrow so I'm just gonna have to sleep like that. It's very ugly because they are overlapping previous SH scars. I don't know why it is so appealing to me. Or why I find it "beautiful" sometimes
What do I do? Indulging in my interests doesn't seem to help even though I love them dearly. I feel guilty for that fact. The fact it hasn't helped. Like I'm wronging something or someone because I'm doing this instead of trying to cope by watching my hyperfixation medias. I feel sort of sick. But when I go out tomorrow I know I will feel fine on the outside. I kind of don't have a choice. And I don't have anyone to tell either lol!!!! I am also extremely unmotivated to do anything, especially very important and required school work. But I can't let anyone know. If I talk to my school counselor the school will tell my parents and I can't have them going through that again.
So, yknow, again. What do I do?
@clearnigntmoonlight Welcome to 7Cups, Moonlight. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences with us. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with some difficult feelings and urges right now. It must be really hard to feel like you're failing yourself and that your usual coping strategies aren't working. Can you share more about what's making you feel unmotivated and why you think talking to your school counselor might not be an option?
Also, you can check out group support chats here to share and get support. Please know you are not alone in this. You have all of us here to listen to and to support. Please be safe!
@ASilentObserver Thank you so much for a response! I'm not really sure what's making me feel unmotivated. I've felt unmotivated for many years and my grades in school were very bad for a while. Sometimes I just feel like I'm incapable of doing it in some way. And the reason I say I feel like I can't talk to my school counselor... My school doesn't handle mental illness well, or physical well-being of students either. There's tons of kids with 504s where I go and none of them get the proper help, myself including. If I talked to my counselor I'm 100% the only thing she would do is inform my parents, which is the last thing I want. I don't want them to worry again
@clearnigntmoonlight
I can’t really give you any advice since I’m pretty much in the same situation as you are. I also think that my scars are elegant and pretty. No idea why. Anyways, I just want you to know at least someone else is going through the same thing as you and you aren’t alone in feeling this way. I hope you find the answer you need! 💕
@clearnigntmoonlight
im sorry to hear that you relapsed and are struggling. Recovery from self harm isn’t linear (a straight line). There are going to be peaks to climb and valleys and twists and turns. And it’s all a part of your healing journey.
I understand not wanting your parents to know. I kept my self harm from my parents for many years. Like you, I didn’t want them to worry. I’m sorry that you don’t have a school counselor that you can trust. I remember my school counselor very clearly. It’s been almost 30 years since I graduated high school and I still remember her and the talks we used to have. She made a huge difference in my life.
I really hope that 7 cups can be a solid source of support for you since you don’t have anyone else that you can talk to about this.
~Kristy