It means soo many things i cant really count. It means doing nothing or doing too much. It means not taking meds or taking them too much, it means cutting, looking for unnecessary drama, being overly self critical, it means looking for everything that is worst in yourself, and not solving problems until you seem like one. It means you lack self love in its finest. I love you whoever is reading, don't give up.
@Bluesparrow0 I appreciate the compassion emanating from your words, but if I may slightly counter: I don't think every act of self-harm is necessarily an act of self-hatred, or the reflection of a lack of self-love in that particular moment. I can very clearly differentiate between the two types of self-harm I engage in, and one does not result from self-hatred at all. It really is simply a mechanism (a maladaptive one, sure) to let out an excess of emotions, pain, etc... Not necessarily a reflection of how I feel towards my self. I don't hate my body or my mind when I cut myself. It's more I'm using my body (again, I acknowledge it's in a negative way, but still, it's not directed against my body as such) to achieve an effect.
!! Possible TW!!
I make myself throw up when I have a panic attack, only when I panic though. It like breaks me out of it. I dont think about my weight and this is not an eating disorder, i wonder if this is a form of self harm? It brings me back to the world, gives me a sense of control. I dont know
For me self harm is this addiction I noticed doesn't solve anything but still I can't seem to stop... It is what took so much from me, I can't do my favourite hobby anymore. When I was at my lowest I saw it as something that is keeping me alive while slowly killing me. I feel I've grown out of it but sometimes it is the only thing I can hold onto. How can I let it go even though I want to?
Possibly Triggering, so TW
Self harm is a lot of things to a lot of people. I think overall it is that mixture of relief and having control over your own body. For me personally, it's a lot about the control and relief, but it also is also related to my S**cidal ideaiton and tendencies. Like, "if i do this form of self harm hard enough, it would kill me". And in a way, the self harm keeps me from actually going through with anything permanent. It provides a sense of control in that way too, to know that I have an "option". I feel like we could help a lot of people struggling to stay alive the more we talked about self harm and s**cide more openly and without judgement, and actually help them instead of making their situation harder to deal with. At the end of the day, it's a coping mechanism. An unhealthy one, but one nonetheless. And nobody is "selfish" or "attention seeking" for struggling with such painful things. Anyone who says anything like that to you is speaking out of ignorance, and even fear, because it's something they are unfamiliar with. This turned into a rant, sorry, lmao.
For me, self-harming through cutting is a way to drain myself (semi-literally, semi-metaphorically) of the surplus emotions I feel overwhelm me. It almost feels like a purifying ritual - and, you know, there's obviously that endorphin high mechanism, yada yada yada. Self-harming through hitting myself on the head is more, just... punishing myself when I believe I've done something stupid. It also releases tension and frustration, in a way, but it's more obviously negative towards myself.
TW
Self harming is a coping mechanism, and for me it's also a habit. It's a way to distract from the emotional pain you might be feeling and instead focus on the physical pain you are inflicting upon yourself, which can be in many different ways.