Addressing bullying post Stand up to Bullying Day

Hey there @Rain45 *hugs* (if you are okay with it)

I do really love this post and it is really important.

One thing tho that may be worth to be added here is that people from the chatrooms are most likely to not go to the forums too much. I mean, I am saying this from own experience as I was one of those people for like a year almost sepnding most of my 2016 in the Depression Support Rooms.

It may have changed since then, I do not know, it is like 9 months or so since I was last really active in chatrooms wirht my Forum related responsibilities here but Group Support Rooms are usually like little bubbles - or something like that. A lot of people come exclusively for just the chatrooms and there is not problem with that, chatrooms can be an amazing place but I have to admit that I have seen a lot of things go down there in that one year and a bit in the Depression chatrooms and back then I have had a feeling that nothing was happening...

So yep, transparency would be important but I am wondering if there could maybe also be some discussions specifically on this topic and focusing on bullying here on 7Cups besides that forum post so it will get more people, to those as well who may not leave chatrooms that often as well.

I do agree with most of your points tho and I think transparency would be really important in this Case to let people see more of what is happening - or to show that there are actually things happening as - once again - I know that back then n 2016 and early 2017 I have often felt like we are on our own in the chatrooms even with that report button being there.

Once again tho, probably some of this has changed in the last 9 months I have been away from the chatrooms so feel free to ignore points if they are not making any sense anymore.

I agree with lots of the points - especially about what happens with the reports. I think more also needs to be done with the reports from the group chat rooms.

@Rain45

Subscribing as cannot respond now

@Rain45

This post is very insightful with a lot of pointers and ideas. Im not too sure why I have been tagged but Ill try to give as much feedback as I can :O

I love that this has been gathered up with a lot of people in mind, bullying has been an issue we have struggled with in our community, and it is something which can be prevented :O Our goal on 7cups is to either give or receive support (or both) and bullying definitely pushes away from that purpose.

My thoughts on the proposals

First proposal:
We do have posts on how the review process works and what the new process looks like which is quite transparent :O. I feel like the point system is explained thoroughly and we have a post on who handles the reports. Here and here. I understand the need to want to know exactly what has happened with that specific report after its been submitted and the want for it to be more transparent than it already is. But I feel as though that would cause a lot of conflict and aid to the problem we have with triangulation as it is. If I were to report something I would hope that the right points have put on but I would not like to hear what exactly has been done about the person. I trust the process we have in place and how it works.

Second proposal:
I think the idea of a training could be useful in a sense that it would teach our listeners more about how to take chats not only bullying as a whole but bullying on 7cups. But maybe it should be a listener written guide on how to take a chat relating to bullying on 7cups, rather than a whole training, that way it will be accessible to everyone and anyone can refer back to it if they are talking to someone who has been/is being bullied. I think mods tend to be trained to spot unsupportiveness in the rooms and what is constant unsupportiveness and know to use their warning systems as well as using their mod logs to report ongoing situations too.

Third proposal:
I think there's a wide potential for more posts on the topic of bullying but I also believe there are some really insightful posts pout there too! We have a really good post here on cyberbullying, there also this post from Iara which is also awesome. It's specifically about bullying on 7cups! There is this post which is a short guide on what to do if youre being bullied on cups. I think those posts sum it up quite well, and give suggestions on what to do in situations where you are being cyberbullied or bullied on 7cups. More posts could definitely help spread more awareness.

Fourth proposal:
One thing Iara mentions in the replies of her thread is how to go about getting support for those who are victims of bullying on 7cups.
‘Yes, we want to discourage gossip spreading and triangulation but it should never come to a point where the person feels like the cannot vent in 7 cups because its something happening on 7 cups. If you need to vent but aren't sure how to do so a general rule of thumb could be:
-->Use your Member/Guest account to vent but keep out the personally identifiable info as the bully's name, your own name, etc. Focus the chat/support request on you, your feelings and how you can address it rather than on the other party.
--> If the issue is specifically pertinent to your listener account and you need to seek support that way you can reach out to someone in a leadership position for support and guidance. Example: a listener, contacts a mentor/teen star on how to approach it and support on coping with it; a mentor/teen star reaches out to a mentor leader for guidance and support.'

I think the policy in a sense does exist and we have a lot of posts on triangulation, to define what is and what isnt :O also how to avoid triangulation too! I understand it can put people off of talking about it if they feel like they are triangulating rather than venting, or if they feel like they could be seen as they are gossiping or spreading rumours. So these post can help people with defining triangulation, rumours and gossip, and Iaras rule of thumb can help when someone does want to vent
Laura's post on triangulation
Lees post on triangulation
Iaras post on gossip and rumours
Lauras post on gossip
Also on the point system post, it does talk about bullying and the points given to those situations :O.

Fifth proposal:
We do already have outlets to report bullying in the community, would adding an extra report button make a difference to it being reported? I think it would just end up as the same procedure as if they put in a normal report.
We do have a lot of ways to report it whether its a victim or someone who is a bystander even a mod.
If its a member-listener pm, they can block the chat and leave a report when blocking the chat, they can include screenshots if they wish too.
If a mod witnesses it in a group room, they have the ability to warn and mute and they can use their mod log to log those situations. That way kate and the group support ambassadors know whats happening and they can take steps further in sorting out those bullying situations.
If someone witnesses it in the group rooms/or they are the victim in the group rooms, they can use their report button, and call in a mod to help out in the room. If it is a constant recurrence they can report it directly to community@7cups.com or to an admin/safety coordinator that is on for that day.
If it's an L-L situation we have the L-L report form, we also have a lot of conflict resolution outlets to use to soften situations and try forming civil relations with each other.
If its in the forum or the feed, they can flag the posts and report it to the community directly as well. If it is a constant on the forum you can contact the forum ambassadors. As for the feed, you can contact an admin or safety coordinator.

Sixth proposal:
I like the idea of lifting some weight of the admins with the idea of reports, but I think a secret team would be something tricky to sort out, not only that what would make the team secret if people are being nominated? I think it is concerning that our community believes theres favouritism with the way reports are being handled. I think there would still be the idea of biases and subjectivity when it comes to the reports no matter who is viewing them. But I also think we should trust our admin team enough to be able to be objective when it comes to situations in our community. Would people feel more comfortable knowing their situation was being assessed by people before it goes to the admins? Even if their names werent mentioned, its still other people reading and discussing you. Maybe when it relates to chatrooms, chatroom/group support ambassadors can be involved, forum - forum ambassadors, and feed could involve feed mods.

The last proposal I think this links into what I said about the fourth one.

I think its really good to spread awareness about bullying in our community Also to reflect on ourselves and our actions too, to make sure we aren't aiding it, or being bystanders. I hope my thoughts and possible solutions to this help even just a bit.

Tagging some beans to get their thoughts:
@Yendi @Emsworld @Kate @Summertimesamness

@Rain45

Thank you for sharing!

@Rain45 I am sorrying bullying is an issue. I have experienced that too. It is a tightrope between being supportive and having a discussion or support session get hijacked by a disrupter.

In a 1-1 chat I think it is necessary to have a firm boundary and enforce it. Here is my boundary for 1-1 chats that go inappropriate. The answer is not in these words the help one gets in knowing that you do not have to try to do a miracle and turn the chat around. It works for me. Either people get back on topic after verbal warnings or the chat ends and if they harass me after chat ends I block them. It is not pretty but it stops me from having to feel stressed.

I have a 4 step approach that can be used with inappropriate subjects, uncomfortable topics or rude members. I generally use this form of progressive action. This is the summary

1) warn them that you are uncomfortable with that topic or are unable to share personal info.

2) If they do not stop, then repeat the warning and tell them you will have to end the chat if they do not stop

3) if they continue, then end the chat (Icon in upper right if you hover over it when talking to member says End Chat)

4) after you did step 3 if it went that far and if they come back again after you ended the chat, then block them for harassment.
warn, then if they continue, warn, then if the continue, end the chat, and if they come back after end the chat block as last resort

This may be only a small step in reducing bullying but the bullies turn elsewhere when I do this. They realize that they are not dealing with a victim and that they are not going to get my goat. (get a reaction)

This was written as part of a series of documents we drew up after Stand up to World Bullying Day and is just a snippet from one document we were going to post in the forums.

It is really frustrating when I see a moderator in group chat rooms, listener rooms and in the forums bullying another user. I cant report them, often feel intimidated by them, they often have their friendship groups, and their titles give them status. I cant even block them or ignore them as we are supposed to see them as a guide or role model for us. I have seen moderators being rude and mean to others, especially when others disagree with their opinions and instead of allowing others to have a difference of opinion they put others down for it, or even worse give people the silent treatment or ignore them continually. To me that is just as bad

In any social group, and no matter what age we are, what job we have, whatever our social background is, where we live, what culture we are part of, one thing remains constant, bullying. We are bound to come across bullying at some point in our lives, whether having personally suffered it, witnessed it, or heard about it happening to others.

Bullying comes in all guises, and so do the bullies. Not all bullies are equal and so employ tactics that are far more effective than others. Some bullies use methods that are far more vicious and criminal than others. But bullying no matter in what form leaves devastating effects for the victims. Not all social groups are equal and within those, some attract more bullies than others. If you work online, for example, this is a frequent bullying hangout. This is because bullying strategies are often encouraged and rewarded in an environment where the bullying can hide behind a veil of anonymity. People are often braver behind a computer screen and can target those perceived as more vulnerable and people feel there will be no comeback for their behaviour.

And online forums, online chatrooms, are also a breeding ground for bullies for some of the same reasons.

What is a group chatroom/Forum Bully?

Bullying is always about using power and dominance over others, often perceived as more vulnerable in some way than they are. In online forums, and in group chatrooms, bullies use words to intimidate, isolate, humiliate and degrade their victims, either in isolation or as if often the case in small groups with their friends. Their actions are often subtle and do not often include direct attacks upon a person but subtle acts over and over a period of time which wears away at a person. Bullying also encompasses silence, not involving them in conversations, ignoring them whilst everyone else gets included in conversations and subtles put downs infront of everyone..

Bullies are generally easy to pick out. Here are some common forum bully traits –

Bullies use unsubstantiated personal attacks to denigrate their victims. Often, they make fun of their victims intelligence, get everyone to laugh at him, and in doing so isolates and degrades their target. In this way, their victim is neutralized, and serves as a strong reminder to everyone of the bullys power. Bullies rule through fear

Bullies usually attack perceived weak or new targets. The best way to get yourself into a bullys little black book of horrors is to appear weak, uncertain, and emotionally vulnerable. New members to a social group are also a bullys favorite because they are new, unproven, and do not yet have a support system. They are alone – and therefore easier to hunt-down and kill.

Bullies also use their status to keep the bullying going

Bullies also can often be seen to rumour spread and cause tensions online between listeners turning people against the victims even though what they have had to say is unsubstantiated

Bullies Really hate to be challenged and more often when they have been challenged, often either dont have much to say, or attack back. For those who have tried to publically stand up against a bully, they may find this works initially but they may find the bullying intensifies until administration or management of the organisation step in. Bullying may be occuring within the management of the organisation itself which then makes things even more difficult.

A bullys power rests in his ability to control others through fear and the bully also loves the attention they receive for their behaviour from their immediate peer group. If they are challenged and they lose, it will significantly erode their power. As a result, they will use excessive force to defeat public challenges. Bullies usually hunt in packs. There is safety and strength in numbers. Bullies hate losing, so they try to go for a sure kill.

Bullies are afraid of the strength others have that could threaten them. If they spot strong new members to the community, they will first try to recruit them. If that fails, they will usually leave them alone. Strong targets are risky and usually end up costing the bully more than they gain gain. Bullies are in-love with themselves. They have little to no empathy, and are only interested in their own activities, and their own power. A bully may help others who are in their own gang, or help other respected members of the community, but only for their own advancement and glory.

How to Fight Bullying.

Our instinct is to fight fire with fire, to fight the negative by returning it in kind. However, that is a losing battle. It doesnt get anyone anywhere and creates a negative atmosphere for everyone else. Bullies need to be reported and then the responsibility for how this is dealt with left with those responsible in dealing with this. The problem however can lie in whether there is a system in place that reassures us that the problems will be dealt with fairly and that there is a proper system in place. If there is, consequences for bullying behaviour do need to be made transparent and clear and actions consistent for anyone, no matter who they are, that if you bully, this is what will happen. There should be no favouritism. There should be no one who is immune to the process and procedure of being dealt with if they are reported. And there should be a fair process in place and does mean everyone is dealt with objectively with no bias.

One of the key reinforcers for the bully is attention! One of things the victims dont receive enough of is attention and so perhaps we need to start paying more attention to what we can do for them!!! Ensuring that support is there for those who have suffered enough and for far too long. There are many who have suffered in silence, who have reported and who have not been supported. Their reports have surmounted to nothing and the bullies have been given chance after chance after chance and the bullying continues. That amounts to bullies not respecting the boundaries of individuals or learning from their behaviours after being given chances. Their behaviour continues to affect the mental health of listeners and members. Everyone is deserving of chances but where do you draw the line?

For the bully, it doesnt matter if they receive negative or positive attention, as long as they have this, its whats matters. By responding, we are giving the bully what they want. In addition, by giving an emotional, negative response, we are letting the bully know that they has gotten under our skin.

We can continue to fight bullying but continually raising awareness of bullying and posting often and regularly that bullying is not tolerated. That is is a bully free zone.

1. Do not let forum or group chatroom bullies affect you.

Do you givet bullies your attention, time, energy, or your emotional wellbeing. Talk to someone, turn to a mentor, turn to an ambassador. Turn to your community leader. Do not sit in silence, do not suffer alone. If they do not help you, tell someone, make it public for this is not acceptable. If they turn a blind eye they are not doing their role. If they allow this to carry on, they are a bad role model themselves. One of the best ways to deal with online bullies is to hit the block button. And then to report them. If you cannot delete a forum comment, contact a forum mentor, or the forum ambassadors for help. Pm them so they can help you.

Bullies will try to bring you down, they will try and continually chip away at you until you feel its eating you up. Try and view them as a young child throwing a tantrum because they are trying to get their own way. Hopefully, they will learn from this experience and find more productive activities with which to fill their time. Otherwise, they will simply continue to fritter their time away in negative pursuits, which will hurt them a lot more than it hurts us.

2. Report bullies to the administration. But we need trust and faith in the administration process to take this problem seriously. To put into place policies, to make a public statement within cups that the bullying culture that continues to grow here is not welcome. Put into place policies that clearly show this is not welcome here. And have transparent procedures in place that give listeners and members the faith to report knowing things actually will happen for them and they will be supported.

The best way to create a healthy online environment is to report bullying behaviour to the administration. In this way, the bullying is quickly stopped, and we can all get back to productive and constructive discussions, that actually involve the exchange of information. We can continue to maintain a healthy and supportive and equal supportive team of listeners, preventing the mental health and wellbeing of our members suffering and stamping out bullying on a site that is there for those suffering mental health issues.

We want to stop bullying and pointless personal attacks because it will quickly ruin a an online community that continues to grow and an online community that is now international and is there for the good of people's mental health. Not to destroy someones mental health. As the community grows, so too will the bullying mentality if we do not address this now, and it would become a hostile place that no one would want to visit, and we would continue to lose our beloved members and listeners so let's all join together in saying No to bullying and doing what we can to prevent the harm that bullying creates in this community.

Admin need to know because bullying takes it toll on the mental health of the victims and of the bystanders but it also has an effect on the organisation. Workplace bullying can affect the organisation negatively by reducing employee productivity due to feelings of inadequacy and continued criticism, increased absenteeism and high staff turnover. Exposure to bullying in the organisation may change an individuals perception of their work environment to one of danger, threat and insecurity which may result in loss of productivity (Janoff-Bulman, 1992; as cited in Matthiesen et al., 2004; Turney, 2003). Research also showed how victims have been pushed from one person to another upon reporting and little to no help given which has left them feeling ashamed and alone and victims have also suffered from negative responses from their employers and from their voluntary employers upon reporting.

The barriers to reporting bullying that have mostly been discussed is the issue of triangulation and how reporting would be seen as cowardly or suppression of free speech or grassing on your fellow listeners. With regards Triangulation. This word has been taken out of context on many occasions and it has created an atmosphere of fear for many listeners who now dont feel able to turn to anyone when they should feel free to turn to their mentors and ambassadors. Triangulation is gossiping for the sake of gossiping, maliciously, to harm others, to put others down, to rumour spread and so on. But if you have a genuine problem where you need support and guidance, a serious problem, then you should be able to freely turn to those who can help you work that problem out so you can find a solution and move forward. Far too many listeners are sitting on issues that they need support with because they feel unable to turn to folk for fear it would be seen as Triangulation. With regards reporting being seen as cowardly, bullying is cowardly! Reporting it takes a lot of strength and if it wasnt for the bullies, no one would have to report anything, so please do speak up. And please do not worry about grassing on your fellow listeners. There is no place in 7cups for listeners or members who bully others.

Bullying should be stopped because it is bad for the health of this community, and it clogs up our rooms and forums with useless, pointless, and negative bickering. Bullying and personal attacks are not free-speech, its abuse and in some countries its a criminal act for which you can be prosecuted.. If we care about our community, we should all do our part to stop bullying in all its forms in our chatrooms, and in our forums etc.

The more bullying there is, the more bullying it will attract. If we create an environment that is unfriendly to bullying, then those who are only interested in hurting others will go elsewhere when they realise their behaviour will not be tolerated here.

Fight fire with water.

If we feel compelled to converse with bullies then the only way to fight negative bullying is by dispelling it with humor and positive energy. Rehabilitating a forum/chatroom bully will take a lot of patience and a lot of positive energy. There is little point to it unless we are applying for Sainthood.