My boyfriend has given me the ultimatum to have a baby or were over

@sweetcherryxx I think you know that having a baby isn’t going to make everything “fall into place.” It’s not really the kind of commitment either of you seem ready to handle. Since you’re living at home, taking on that kind of responsibility is really putting your mom into a precarious position. I know you don’t want to hurt the relationship with your bf, but it sounds like he is asking something you’re not comfortable with and that “gamble” is involving at least two people who have very little say in the matter: your mom and your future child.

@sweetcherryxx

This is a tough situation! I'm so sorry that you have to go through this pressure. Many people believe a baby will "solve" or "settle" things but I strongly believe that things have to be solved and settled before a baby arrives and can very much understand your point of "we need to set ourselves up first and be comfortable before we have a baby". Do you have any friends being parents already to whom you both could talk or would you feel comfortable to contact services for a Talk Preparing for Parenthood? This might help to understand the responsibilities. https://www.toronto.ca/community-people/children-parenting/pregnancy-and-parenting/pregnancy/preparing-for-babys-arrival/preparing-for-parenthood/

Do what makes you feel comfortable. Dont force it. Go with the flow and see whwre life takes how. Your the one who will carry, look after and hold the cjild intially so you need to be ready. If your not ready dont rush. If he really love you, he wont force you.

Thank you all so much for the advice, I think I know that it's not something I want just yet in my life nor that I'm ready for, I was just trying to convince myself to do it and convincing myself maybe he is right that everything will fall into place for him and me but after reading and listening to everyone and just listening too myself I think this is something extremely life changing and not to take light heartedly and deep down I know I'd be making a mistake. I think I'm just more anxious about having to tell him how I feel and to hear his reaction which he has already said he would have to end the relationship 😔 now it's just figuring out how to get the words out to him because i get all chocked up and don't know what to say

@sweetcherryxx I am sorry you are being pressured by your partner to have a baby. What I have found is the people who make ultimatums just keep making them. I would start doing things while you tell them you need more time to think about it. In the meantime get your license, find a job or find some secure living situation if he makes good on his word and leaves you.

What a person tells me when they say "It is my way or the highway" is they do not want an equal relationship and they do not have the maturity to be a parent. Parents have to learn flexibility and patience. I have had people give me ultimatums and I have not caved in. I think if I caved in that time I would have been asked to cave in again and again.

I would act in your head now as if you were going to be alone and do everything you can to have a safety net to fall back on. I do not know the particulars of your situation whether you own a house or rent and whose name is on the lease, but I would hesitate to make any long term commitments with someone that is so unreasonable and self centered. If they do not consider your feelings now, what leads anyone to believe they will later? I don't see evidence of that.

Raising a child costs a lot of money and they do not sound committed to the relationship in an unconditional way. This could make life much more complicated. Do you have a therapist? Talk to them if you are ready to be a mother. Also ask them if your partner is ready to be a responsible parent. You have not said anything about them that leads me to believe they will treat a child any better than they are treating you, which is not very good at all.

If I were a relative of yours, I would hold up red flags to get your attention how dangerous the road is ahead if you proceed as your partner suggests.

@sweetcherryxx If you don't feel ready for a baby then please wait. Do it for yourself. Your boyfriend sounds unreasonable and he is not the one with a biological clock, by the way. Personally, I think that if you were to go ahead and rush to have a child you'd resent the baby and/or your boyfriend for forcing the issue. You're still plenty young and have your entire twenties to live and work and enjoy life. Don't feel guilty telling him no--he had no problem giving you an ultimatum. I just had my second child almost 10 months ago and will say that the more financially and emotionally stable you are before having children, the better. If anything, just listen to your heart. Good luck to you.

You clearly have different wants and needs.

@sweetcherryxx I'm sorry you're in this predicament. Just remember it's your body, your choice. Having a child is a lifetime commitment and if you do not feel ready to have one, then you should not have one. Your boyfriend should respect your wishes as his partner and his equal. It sounds like he is trying to guilt you into making a big life decision and that's not okay. You need to be honest with him and let him know where you stand. It takes two to tango and if you don't want to dance he's going to have to respect that.

I’m trying really hard to understand the perspective of someone who wants something so bad they are willing to threaten the person they love to get it, but I just can’t get to that spot. Perhaps he felt misled, or perhaps he feels a sense of urgency tied to age or ability, but regardless the tactics and logic he’s employing raise a lot of red flags.

Conversely, you seem to be approaching the situation with a level head, an open mind and a tremendous amount of empathy and love for your partner. If you ever choose to have a child, I think those are the attributes that will set them up for a happy life.

It’s OK. He is insisting that it has to be THIS year because he clearly has a sense of urgency about the issue because he is sensitive about his age and “running out of time”.

But that in no way makes YOU any more ready to have a child than you actually are. And any number of ultimatums he gives or any which way he tries to pressure you will not alter the fact that you are not ready to have a child. And almost always when one parent is unwilling and unready to be a parent, this never ends well for the relationship, for the child, for anyone involved. If he is really wanting to be a responsible parent he would see this in the whole of its context for everyone concerned. Instead he is only focused on his own desperate need to have a child before he turns 31 and that FEAR is all he sees and all he cares about, even if you have made it clear to him that it’s not what you want right now.

Youre doing the right thing. You’re going to be the one most impacted by the decision to have a child, having to carry it and the stress that comes with pregnancy and childbirth, and the financial stress also. You absolutely have every right to be resistant to the idea if the timing is completely wrong for you; and you know this in your heart. If you’re convinced that having a child (right now) would be the wrong thing for you; then doing it just to appease him won’t somehow make it right. Rather you might just grow to resent him and resent the sacrifice you have to make each and every moment that you chose in order to make him happy and give him what he wants. Because raising the child is not something that is just given once and the matter is resolved! No it will continuously and constantly impact every aspect of both your lives from disrupted sleep, sex lives, your social lives, your work schedules, your finances, your moods, your patience with each other, everything.

And one day when he is overwhelmed and exhausted, and realizes his relationship is not as happy as it used to be because he realizes that maybe having a child when you weren’t ready wasn’t the right move - Well you both can’t just UNDO a child. There’s a point of no return and you both will have passed it and might only know regret.

Because of all of this, him rushing you absolutely is not the solution. When things have PERMANENT consequences and when you feel uncertain is when it becomes more vital that you should slow down, pause and gain perspective, in order to avoid making rash decisions with harmful consequences. If he decides he can’t wait for you to commit to having a child right now, then he needs to do what is best for himself and find someone else who wants the same things as him; someone who can give him what he needs in the timeframe that he needs it.

That might just be the way things work out in the end. Sometimes when partners want different things they end up moving in different directions from each other, and that’s sometimes what needs to happen.

I hope you both find what you’re looking for in the end!

CatsInTheCradle