Trauma Community Check-in Sunday, September 9th 2018
Hey Trauma Survivors! I know I'm not a familiar face in this community but I have been a familiar face in other communities. I have always admired the support that the members and listeners have provided for one another in this community and it is difficult to see the community struggling so much.
Change is hard for anyone, but for people who have experienced trauma it is even harder. It takes us longer to adapt to new changes because we have to protect ourselves to make sure that we don't get hurt again. What the trauma community has been experiencing must be incredibly stressful for many of the listeners and members who have found a safe place here and I hope that we can make it a safe place for everyone again.
It's going to take time to heal and trust agian, but I have hope for this community and hope that I can help support the community as it rebuilds.
With today's check-in I want to know:
How are you feeling today on a scale of 1-10?
On the topic of change, can you think of a change that you have had to make in your life that at first was scary, but then in the end turned out better than you could ever imagine?
What's one thing that you hope to accomplish this coming week?
How can the community support you in this time of transition in the community?
Also, feel free to just say hi or share what's on your mind.
@InvaderStitch Current taglist @Rain45 @Avaray @Shadeshack @BeeLeigh @Faeryschild @Lavendermoonlight @KLM3278 @jr50 @agreeableKite4304 @PhoenixPatronus @Morfo66 @raychascotch @KatieMoon1 @Tamba @Jenna0903 @melliotm @PanamaBanana @inventiveOrange1 @HearingYourHeart @TreesandWine @guyb @Sharkradio @MKjart @Lilyflower0817 @caterpillargirl @Survivetoalive @exuberantTriangle2562 @coraline23 @Ivorycat5573 @fearlessPear8268 @SemicolonSurvivor @weare1 @weareall1 @Annaka1 @moonchild95 @summernight69 @sheaintgotnoshoes @rationalWillow8882 @DeborahUK @AMusicalSilence @catsith @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @behindhazeleyes @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @wittyTree8219 @Ocendade @Rpjrx @Brooke12 @tenacity37 @Raveninthelabrynth @Axeman53 @kkSp3nc3 @blissedNblessed @Softforesthsp77 @AriannaPink @sereneSoul23 @promisemehope @IPreferWinter @Zombii @Godborned @Jessica86 @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Tir @Michelle0608 @The_Final_Chapter @Halogen @BubblegumPuppy68 @ScarletPear1945 @CaloenasNicobarica @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheresaWilliams @Compassionatelistener108 @LovelyChantel @Pureriver56 @unassumingSummer6022 @Reedrainshimmer @resourcefulPond1642 @Kuma0187 @NonHoPaura @courageousNorth9872 @NacienteLuz @Waterlily16 @Helpfulsoul64 @TheHoneyDoll @Saif1for1Resilience @butters45 @purpleWest8143 @silverIceCream21 @Dandelionmoon @Bumblebee16 @consciousawakening @Shaiya365 @archerzvy @JJi @CopingwithTrauma @musicheals61 @disneynerd23 @ScarletPear1945 @Longday08 @sittinginahoneymoon @Quietbeach @loyalYard9488 @thatdramaticsoprano @understandingJackfruit9057 @amiableZebra3993 @Waterstreams057 @placidFriend3007 @AndreT @orchard9786 @sociableSailboat9634 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @calmballoon3183 @disneynerd23 @MomRNFNP @Pdanziger @easymap6620 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @candyhaunt @namelessgirl99 @plumLake851 @streamoftears @quixoticRaven @Redhawk6547 @Sk1ttles @Shayc1 @Samdoc99 @Mikathewolfdog @Tacomytaco @stella17 @blinkk @PaperCrane1123 @Equalnotabove @felicia96 @CartoonDarling @Tayboi @Compassion21 @lilblackcat89 @ashes @selfdisciplinedTriangle5384 @amiableSummer3420 @FangsInsanity @Anj0806 @Spoonog @rissadawn @brokenflutterby @g00dwitch @No715 @SpruceRaven @tidyMoon3222 @helpfulHuman4992 @Djs3 @dynamicHemlock1736 @Hope3729 @hardworkingStrawberries3477 @courageousCake401 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @mysticPhoenix883 @oceanmom @gymnast9460 @Nonbinarywaffle7706 @Tbeth @felixfriend @Chels @8883ef @DaisyLion @forcefulSkies @spotthedot @courteousNorth5140 @Alcynically @ArianaMay @SB @affectionateNorth4018 @J12g34 @FloweringBunny @loyalDrum2337 @nolongerafraid @CaringBrit
@melliotm
Thank you for adding the tag list, I wasn't sure where to find the up to date one!
@melliotm
adding @Ambrosia
@melliotm
melliooo hi
@sensitiveShade5337 Hi Shade 👋🏾😎⛺
@melliotm
Hi ☺️
@singercrystalspirit Hi Singer! ❤️ How are you doing? ⛺
@melliotm
I'm doing well Mellio 
Just settling in to Oregon finally. How are you?
@InvaderStitch
Wow, hey love Thank you so much for posting this today. This is so appropriate for me, having just moved across the country and PTSD getting triggered unexpectedly big time and having to deal with that amongst dealing with finding a job, being in a new place, etc. I got so triggered these past few days that today, I came very close emotionally to just abandoning all my belongings and getting in my car and driving back across the country to my parents' house. Instead, I decided to go for a walk in the park - it's beautiful weather here - and then to a singing kundalini meditation class. Now, I feel much calmer.
Thanks for helping out with the check-in. It's been difficult for me, too, being a "new leader" whilst all this is happening AND also being emotionally and mentally full navigating a cross country move and therefore sort of being absent while some big decisions were being made.
But here I am now, finally "settled in" *enough* to start to be present in this community again. Earlier today I was feeling a 1 or a 2. Now as I sit here, I'm feeling at least a 7. (Folks, nature and singing and meditation work).
So... the change that is coming to mind for me is when I started seeing a functional medicine doctor and she told me I had to go on a strict diet, cut out sugar, cut out grains. I was very scared, because I used to have an eating disorder and I thought it might trigger it. Well, she helped me navigate that... and here, several months later, I feel better than I could have ever imagined, with my body finally not being fed foods that were fueling sicknesses (I found out I was medically gluten intolerant, among other diet-related things), and not having cravings, in fact feeling LESS like I have an eating disorder than I've ever felt my entire life since being a child. I feel more normal now in relation to food than I've ever felt as an adult. And look how scared I was that the opposite would happen.
This coming week.... Well, this is more than a hope. It's an "I'd better accomplish this" and the answer to that is GET A JOB. But as far as a hope, I hope to make amends with one of my roommates, who triggered my PTSD which caused some rifts in our new relationship.
As far as support, I am happy I am being communicated with 
and I only ask right now for openness and transparency about what's next.
Hugs to all who want some.
- Singer Spirit
@singercrystalspirit
I'm really glad to hear that you are finding a diet and doctor that is helping you. Food/eating and body issues can be really hard things fro trauma survivors. I know I've struggled with it all my life and it was only when I found a diet that suited me that some of the pressure was lifted.
Sounds like your living situation and being in a new area is really tough for you. New things are scarey aren't they? I think that you are really brave taking such big steps and I really hope you can find peace in your new home/area you live.
Don't forget that we are here for you too ok? Being part of a caring community means you also get to be cared for Keep reaching out
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hey Thank you for sharing that with me. For me, the experience has been that I didn't really realize how much I still had issues (with food) until I continued to work on them more and more. Sometimes I wonder where my food issues came from in the first place, as I did not have any defining traumatic event that happened in childhood.
New things ARE scary! Thank you for telling me I am brave Right now I am struggling with knowing how soon to trust people, what is "normal" in that regard, etc.
I am so happy to hear that you all are here for me I will reach out as I need to and thank you I am looking forward to getting plugged back in here with helping and offering support, too. Hopefully this time around in a way that feels more balanced for me and not frantic
@singercrystalspirit
We love you however you are hun
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you..... I wish I still felt that love toward other people rather than feeling disconnected and pushing them away.
@singercrystalspirit
bless you for not abandoning your new life, and US~! sending you healing thoughts and caring wishes, and HOPE that your difficulties all resolve into Bliss~!
@GusteeMoon123
Thank you! *Receives healing thoughts and caring wishes*
I hope they resolve into bliss, too! Right now I feel oddly disconnected and I dislike that, so I hope that feeling goes away soon.
Thanks for being glad I'm still here 
@singercrystalspirit
I can totally relate to the moving far away from home thing. I just moved from Kansas to Colorado at the end of August. I'm living in a transitional living/group home because my PTSD symptoms have gotten so bad that I am barely functioning anymore. Since getting away from where all of my trauma happened I have been making strides in the right direction and it's been amazing, but then the other night in one of our support groups, one of the residents made a comment that sent me into a full blown dissociative episode and flashbacks. It was awful. But I was having those almost every day and this is the first time I've had any issues here in about 2 weeks. I'm glad to hear that you're giving your new home a chance. One of the things the therapist on staff said that really resenated with me was that trauma is the greek word for wound, and like a physical wound you can't heal if you keep tearing it open, same with emotional wounds, they need time to heal without constantly being opened.
I'm glad that you were able to figure something out about the diet thing and that you were able to start feeling better physically. A lot of times when we don't feel well physically our emotional health suffers as well. So I'm glad you were able to work on that.
I don't know what all is going on with trying to rebuild the community but I'm hoping that I can be a part of making it a safe place for people again. I know that I am doing a couple of check-ins this week and an open chat in the middle of the week. Once I find a job I hope to be able to pick up a weekly support session and/or continue doing open chats.
Thanks for sharing.
@InvaderStitch
Ahhhh you did! I was just in Colorado You can relate then I'm really sorry that your symptoms have gotten that bad. That really must be difficult to deal with, but don't give up. You'll make it through. I am so glad you were able to get away from the place your trauma happened. That can be a really important thing, at least I have felt so in my own experience, to help your body and mind calm down enough to begin to heal. I am so sorry to hear that you got triggered the other night. It happened to me, too, of course as I mentioned, so I identify. I am happy for both of us that the frequency of that occurring is lessening That means we are headed in the direction of healing. Thank you for being glad that I am giving it a chance My therapist has been helping me, and also a meditation class I went to has been helping me, and I have a random friend here (two actually) who have been helping me. I really regret that I lost trust in my new roommate. I wish I still trusted him because it felt amazing when I was certain that he was on my side. But I don't know how to get that back.
That is so true, and thank you
Well thank you for letting me know that and sharing what you know about what is going on with the re-building. I wasn't sure for a while whether I would stay or leave, but I think I'm meant to stay. I feel I'm learning something. Well, I don't want my trauma to define me. I don't want it to define my relationships, either.
Good luck finding a job!!!! I need to find one, too. Lol. Soon.
xo
- Singer
Hey Stich :) nice to meet you and welcome to trauma com :).
I am feeling... Idk really. Was meant to be seeing drag racing today but because of my dad's panic attacks we won't be going now.
Hoping not to have a migraine today as I am out of medication. Sods law says that is unlikely but hey, hope is free.
Goal for this week? Stay sane? Lol feeling tired and vunerable. Change scares me and I have a little too much going on at once at the moment.
Change that has gone well? Plenty just takes me a while to be calm enough to appreciate it.
@Lilibuth12 - sorry to hear that you're not going to drag racing today - I hope that you are able to go another day and that today ends up having something else fun pop up. You mentioned Sods law - I'm not familiar with that one, but it sounds a lot like Murphy's Law - I wonder if it's the same idea.
You said that you're feeling tired and vulnerable right now and I think it makes perfect sense to have the goal of just getting through right now - sometimes one foot in front of the other is the only manageable goal, but that's still moving forwards. I hope that you get a little peace to catch up on some of the things you said you have going on right now and that you are gentle with yourself while you're feeling vulnerable. Take care
@Lilibuth12
awesome insight about needing the calm to see the change has been good. Maybe you can hold onto that to to add some backup to the hope you have when it gets too much?
@Lilibuth12
Thanks for the welcome :) Im glad to help out in this transition in the community.
Im sorry that you arent getting to go see the drag racing, that sounds rather disappointing, but hopefully if you have the chance to take it easy it will keep the migraines at bay even without the medication, though I get migraines too, and they are not fun. Staying sane is a good goal, I often feel like staying sane is a lot harder than people realize, especially when you are feeling tired and vulnerable and experiencing a lot of changes that may be scary right now. It makes sense, especially if youve had trauma to have a hard time calming down to appreciate change, but at least in time you are able to recognize that change can be a good thing.
@InvaderStitch
I'm not sure I can answer all the questions right now. I'll do the best I can.
How are you feeling today on a scale of 1-10?
2 - Entirely broken and useless. Ignored and unwanted (not talking about here).
What's one thing that you hope to accomplish this coming week?
Clean the kitchen
How can the community support you in this time of transition in the community?
Be understanding. Understand that I haven't always been like this. I haven't always been this shattered. Things happened recently, and I don't feel safe enough to explain what those things are, it's left me crushed and broken. The thought of losing this community is more than I can think of right now.
@practicalIdeal2007 - I'm so sorry to hear that things are so rough right now. I'm not sure how you feel about hugs, but I'm sitting here and my arms are open if you would like one, or if you want to just sit near someone for a little bit.
You said that right now what you need is understanding that you haven't always been like this and that you're feeling broken. I really appreciate that you're sharing how you're feeling even if you're not feeling safe enough right now to share what happened. You can choose to share (or not share) as you feel ready, and for now I think just checking in and letting people know how you're feeling is a really good thing.
I hope that today is a little easier than yesterday and that tomorrow is a little easier than today.
@Anomalia
Thank you for your words. Feeling not so alone for a little bit means the world to me. That probably sounds strange. Thank you so much for sitting with me.
@practicalIdeal2007
Hey, I see a real sadness in your words there. I know we can't fix it all for you (even though I'm sure every single one of us would if we could) but maybe we can help you hold the broken bits for a while? *Sits with you*
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you.
@practicalIdeal2007
Im so sorry you feel so broken right now Deal, but im glad you are able to tell us and seek some support. We are here if you need or want to share more, but we are also fine to sit with you in silence, ill bring some strawbery and chocholate
I really liked you asking for understanding and the way you said it: "Understand that I haven't always been like this. I haven't always been this shattered", I think so many of us feel like that and share the same wish. And I do think you can find that kind of undrestanding here, we know that trauma does change us, that we have not always been like we are now, that something, somebody took something from us, leaving us feel shattered.
@LoveFromSara
Strawberries and chocoloate sounds amazing. Chocolate makes everything a little better I think.
I both sad and glad that others understand what I mean. I am sad that others have had to go through or are going through similar things. I am glad that I don't have to try to explain everything so much.
Thank you
@practicalIdeal2007
I appreciate you answering with what you were able, it takes a lot of courage and strength to open up at all when you are feeling so broken. Im sorry youre feeling so ignored and unwanted in your life and I hope that you can find a way to get back to being able to see your worth soon. Cleaning the kitchen is a great goal to have and we can encourage you with this goal, but also if you cant find the strength to do it while you are healing from whatever has happened to shake your world up so much to make you feel so unsafe, thats okay to. Healing from trauma takes time, and its exhausting and so its important to give ourselves some grace and hopefully you can find support on here to surround yourself with positive people who will encourage you. I am new to the community on my listener account, but I have posted from my member account as Ive been having a really rough time for about the past year and I have never felt anything but support from this community which is why I am doing what I am able to keep the community active and alive because I know how important it is to have people understand and get how hard it is to deal with trauma.
@InvaderStitch
Thank you for your understanding reply. I was very afraid to say how I feel, I also realize that keeping it all bottled up is hurting me as well. There is so much going on here and not here, I'm not sure where to stand. What I do know is that I literally cannot stand alone. I was crumbling this morning. Now, rereading what others wrote and your reply, I at least feel a little okay. Enough to attempt to sleep. I doubt any real sleep will come though.
I was going to clean the kitchen today, but that didn't happen. I did take out the trash and do some laundry. So while I didn't do all that needed doing I did accomplish something.
@practicalIdeal2007
I'm glad that you're feeling a little bit better, at least enough to try to sleep. I hope that you can get some rest. Maybe you didn't get the whole kitchen clean, but you still accomplished something, and when you feel bad, doing anything is a lot. Kudos to you!
I feel really terrible I am really struggling
@Sam1509 your not alone sorry to hear you feel terrible would it help to talk about it ?
@CaringBrit
i cant sleep because I have nightmares I had a panic attack
@Sam1509 oh no nightmares are awful to get
@Sam1509 Sending healing hugs too if you want them
@Sam1509
I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling a lot right now. Nightmares and flashbacks are awful and so draining. I hope you can take some time to be gentle with yourself and maybe do things that make you feel better so that you can recuperate from the flashbacks and nightmares.
I feel like Im the only who have backed up a bit and taking it slowly in here and sticking to just a hi
Like I saw a bunch in here sharing and that is good ,Im not judging.
But thats just how it is for me now, I need my time
@sensitiveShade5337
take all the time you need hun, we can build pillow forts if ya like? I'm feeling quite reserved myself. I've not done checkins so much in the past and talking more throughout the day is definately a new thing for me and feels vulnerable so I see where you are coming from.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
i just dont want to go through losing someone again, thats why I need time to observe a bit and see how the new people are reacting etc. I dont wanna sound dumb but thats how it is for me
@sensitiveShade5337
Hi Shade
Im glad youre taking the time you need, there is no need to push your self to fast
@sensitiveShade5337
I can completely understand needing to take your time. This community has been a big support for a lot of people and it is really hard losing people who once provided you support. It makes sense to sit back and watch how things go until you feel comfortable opening up again. Personally, I am the same way. I have had so much loss and pain in my life that I am extra cautious to minimize anymore damage. When the leadership team stepped down and people left the site I lost some people who have been some of the most supportive people in my very traumatic year and it's been hard. I wish I could say that i'm not going anywhere, but my own mental health has been so unstable that I can't commit to a whole lot right now because I don't want to let anyone down, but being here the best I can for the trauma community right now is important to me because, while I knew I had years of trauma I wouldn't admit I had PTSD, but now I can't deny it, and having support when you are strugglng with PTSD is one of the most important things in feeling better. People who have experienced any kind of trauma have a hard time feeling safe and believing that people are not going to hurt them, that is normal and I respect your reservations, I am glad that even with everything going on that you're willing to at least stick around and try to get to a point where you feel safe again, that, in my opinion is very brave. :)
@InvaderStitch
I have lost so many people too, its sad
@sensitiveShade5337
I'm sorry you have experienced so much loss. It's okay to be sad about it. <3
@InvaderStitch
whatever.. who cares..
My weeks been awful still grieving and that but to now add i found out yesterday from an xray my foot was broken i had no idea its healed in the broken position and cause i was still using my foot during break I couldnt walk tuesday pain was exruciating saturday was fourth day of not being able to walk so my friend took me to A&E in a wheelchair now im petrified a break i had no idea about no accident caused it etc has me scared somethings wrong it could be brittle bone
can i get anymore traumatised feeling alone
@NevaehRose Oh no!! I am so sorry to hear about your foot. Unfortunately, I understand that pain. I broke mine almost a year ago and it also healed incorrectly and re-broke. Definitely take care and be careful.
@Kate trying just scared its brittlebone disease i had no idea i broke my foot no idea when thats scary I have no memory of it in my mind
@NevaehRose
I'm so sorry your week has been rough. It sounds scary to find out you have a broken foot and not know how you broke it. My friend actually had a terrible experience similar. She had an x-ray and it said that her foot was broken, but they weren't doing anything to help her with it. She was in so much pain that the medications they gave her in the emergency room didn't even touch her pain. She had no idea how her foot could be broken and the dorctor said it had been broken for at least a year. After several doctors and emergency room visits, they figured out it was actually gout and not a broken foot, she had surgery and it seems she's doing much better. I hope that it's not what you fear, but I just share my friend's story so you know you're not alone.
@InvaderStitch no i fear brittlebone
@NevaehRose
Yeah, I know, and sorry, I did type a response that was more clear adn then it got deleted and I had to start over and my words weren't as articulate. I just meant, that hopefully it's not the brittlebone disease that you fear. Sorry if it seemed like I misunderstood.
@InvaderStitch it is what i fear though and losing mobility and independency and being alone
i started out feeling all bright and cheery, but then i took a risk and perhaps overstepped some boundaries, and might be in trouble. not knowing is very hard for me to endure... and i've signed up for MORE trauma tomorrow, trying to get help from someone who has demonstrated poor judgement in the past,, thankfully a friend has offered to be here with me for that... i tend to start worrying in advance,, pointless i know, but still it feels like doing something .. O.O
@GusteeMoon123 It sounds like you have a good and supportive friend. I hope tomorrow goes ok. Check in with us and let us know if you feel comfortable doing so
@Kate
well, tomorrow is over, it was today~ the "Help" came and went in fairly short order. i now have HOT water for the first time in 9 months 
. i really don't know how i survived that. my Friend took me to her house Friday and let me wash 8 loads of laundry (i was out of Everything~!). and today she came over to support me while strangers manipulated my house. turns out, it was fairly painless, but not altogether successful,,, the toilet water feed is still turned off, because the new "seal" ,, didn't... the guy said he would come back tomorrow (after i emailed him the news), and see if he can tighten it down or something...
the other REALLY BIG DEAL~! is that my friend helped me clean the house,, vacuum (because i can't: back problems), and i worked so hard that i fear i will be barely able to move tomorrow~ i washed all the towels i have been using to soak up the water leaking from the base of the toilet, and hand mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors, and washed all the area rugs and got them dried and put back down (8 loads~!) OMG... now, if only we can get the windows cleaned~! LOLOL,, i'm being assessed for In Hope Care this week (Wednesday) and did not want to FAIL because i can't keep a house clean~
what a paradox, if the house is too dirty, they won't come; and if it's too clean, they say i don't need help~! O.O i'm going to try to be my own case manager (i did that for 8 yrs) and hire my friend who helped me today ( i gave her my notebook (computer) for helping me, but in the long run $$ is betterer).
hold the good thought for the toilet seal getting seated~! and the In Home Assessment going well, and LIFE getting a Whole Lot Better~!
@GusteeMoon123 - Huzzah for hot water! I'll admit - I'm not sure I could have gotten through without it and I'm proud of you for managing, but very glad that you don't have to any more. :) And I am so happy that you have such a great friend who has been helping you with some of these things to take care of laundry and cleaning and even just being htere with you when they were in your home. I have my fingers crossed for your home assessment going well!
@GusteeMoon123
Boundaries are reeally tricky sometimes and I hope that you're not in trouble for anything. I'm glad that you have a friend going with you tomorrow because it sounds like it's going to be really stressful. Definitely check-in and reach out for support tomorrow if you need it.
How are you feeling today on a scale of 1-10? 1.5
On the topic of change, can you think of a change that you have had to make in your life that at first was scary, but then in the end turned out better than you could ever imagine? no, everything is always getting the worst no matter what
What's one thing that you hope to accomplish this coming week? sleep and never wake up
How can the community support you in this time of transition in the community? you can't, there is nothing to do with it. trust is broken and I am thinking just leaving this community.
@TortueDesBois
I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I'm also sorry it feels like things keep getting worse and worse, I can certainly relate to that feeling. It's awful. I am experiencing some major life changes right now and it's just like I'm waiting for it to all fall apart again. It's hard to stay positive when you feel like everything is going wrong and I hope that things start to change for the better for you. I would hate to see you leave the community if you once found support here. I don't know what happened to cause the leadership team to step down and some of them to no longer be on the site, and I know that others who have been more involved in the community for a while are hurt, lost, and confused. There's not anything anyone can say or do to take those feelings away and those feelings are completely valid.
I feel like no one understands me. Most people I know have kids or want kids. I want cats, not kids. With all of my mental issues, I would damage a kid
@Rebekahwriter13
Thinking about having kids can be scary, especially for someone battling their own mind. I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting kids and just wanting cats. Animals are just as much family as people are sometimes. Try not to be so hard on yourself, maybe someday, if you wanted to, you would be able to have kids, and I think that people who have suffered through mental hell, if they can overcome the trauma can be some of the best parents because they don't want their own children to suffer what they have been through. Not that I'm saying you need to have kids because I know I don't want to have kids either, and there's nothing wrong with it, but it should be a personal choice out of what makes you happy, not out of fear of being a bad parent.
@InvaderStitch I was told I have a less than 5% chance of having a pregnancy without problems. Once I was told this . . . i made a decision that i rather have cats.
I wrote in my blog that I'm burned out with kids. My first stepmother pushed my baby brothers on me and the church nursery for almost a year. I love my brothers, but since tge age of 16 to 21, i didnt have much time for my own development.
@Rebekahwriter13
i knew when i was 5 yrs old that i never wanted kids. it was just not for me. i helped raise my 2 younger brothers from that age, and perhaps that kind of 'soured' me. but i think it was MORE,,, something inside me just did NOT want kids~! so i can really empathize with you,,, it's a rare kind of decision that is not well received. socially and often by family members.
@GusteeMoon123
My dad secretly blames my health. My brothers were angels compared to the outside kids these days. My first stepmother was very selfish and out of desperation and loneliness my dad married her, but being together he lived her, but she was just finding an out. She always pushed the kids on me, and I got burnt out.
Like my father, I have a quick, hot temper, especially if my plans do not go my way. It was my deceased ex that taught me how to enjoy life and go with the flow, but it only seemed to work when he was around.
What sucks is my second stepmother has my name, weird, right? And after she adopted a daughter, my called her my nickname, pumpkin, so in that house I lost all identity. . . I'm not his only Becky, daughter or pumpkin. It was the biggest rejection.i felt selfish for even bringing it up to them, but my first therapist felt I lost my identity that day, which that plus he small car accident I was in ( a huge anxiety and noted trigger) caused me to have a break down. My stepmother wanted to send me to a homeless shelter claiming I was using them. Then she convinced my younger brothers in which I helped raised to ignore me. I was devasted.
@Rebekahwriter13
what i learned about my family, Rebeka, was to go back in my mind and take a new look at the old memories. i said to myself: They were just doing what they knew how to do. I was born to that so i could develop those Independence Skills that other people who were coddled never had to learn, and it's a darn good thing too! because later in life i really needed them.
all in all, i do believe that by changing the things we believe about our past, our parents, our experiences and how we grew into our own beliefs, we can CHANGE~! be free of those hard thoughts, be glad for our families, our suffering and OUR REWARDS~! i now have a completely different childhood than i used to~!~ memories are very fluid things, and often misconstructed at the start~ it is completely possible to look at life a new way, and have it change completely~! yes, really, life and history are changeble~
i wish you well as you continue on in your journey~
@GusteeMoon123
I'm working on a family piece based off the good memories. I know history has both good and bad events. . . They made me whom I am.
