Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Saturday August 5th 2017
So years ago, when still a student, I had a Saturday job in a local supermarket. I went to work one particular morning feeling really self conscious about a huge spot I had on my chin. It was on my mind all day, how ugly I looked, how everyone must see it. This was confirmed when a customer commented to me 'that's a nice spot you have there'! Even though I knew how awful it looked, I was still taken aback that she would comment on it. She must have sensed my confusion as she added 'a nice spot by the window, in the sunshine'.
My point in telling this story, true by the way, is to ask how many of us become bogged down with our perceived faults, faults that other people simply don't see? And in doing so, how much are we missing? I missed that it was a beautiful day, that I was sat in the sunshine, because I was too busy obsessing about my damned spot!
So can you take a step back from yourself today? Look at yourselves as others see you. They're not bothered if your eyebrows are a bit wonky, or your nose a little big. Do they see kindness, someone they can trust, acceptance? Can you see the good things about yourself as well?
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@DeborahUK
Wow another great post 
! Thank you love! 
way to make us think
@SemicolonSurvivor
I hope the thinking helped?
@DeborahUK
Yes it most definitely did 
@DeborahUK
Good morning Deb,
I sometimes get bogged down by thoughts going on internally that take away from my enjoyment of the moment. I try very hard to be present. When I am present, my appearance doesn't matter to me anymore. I can shake off real or perceived jjudgment of me like Saint Teflon, it just slides off. If I'm in my head I miss some of the good stuff and good people around me with a chance to connect.
I especially notice this when I have my self imposed to do list. Many times it includes unrealistic expectations of accomplishing too much in too little time. I'm far better at not putting deadlines on things anymore unless they are actually time critical, however in the past it was ridiculous what I put myself through. When I'm anxious to meet these unrealistic time frames, tasks become more important than people and moments and anything else around me. I don't want to live that way and am practicing mindfulness regularly to participate fully in the present. To be present with the people in my life too.
@MKJart
Absolutely Mary, making time for life outside of to do lists is so very important. Because it's unlikely you'll vividly remember the joy of clipping the hedges, weeding the borders, or cleaning the toilet. But you may very well remember those belly laughs with your friends, or playing water slides with the kids, or watching the sunset over a beautiful vista. Those are the moments to savour. Task lists seldom hold that same enjoyment :)
I've been especially struggling with this recently, so aptly described by Mary:
"I sometimes get bogged down by thoughts going on internally that take away from my enjoyment of the moment. I try very hard to be present... If I'm in my head I miss some of the good stuff and good people around me with a chance to connect."
This is where I have to find that sense of compassion for myself when I do get stuck in my head, or experience emotional flashbacks, ongoing depression, and other symptoms despite mindful practice, developing emotional management skills and other coping strategies -- even though i am seemingly doing all the right things, sometimes it doesn't matter to my trauma-addled brain. And that is not my fault nor indicative of failure or deficiency. Kindness and patience are so, so vital in the context of healing.
To quote Pete Walker,
"Real recovery is a gradually progressive process (often two steps forward, one step back), not an attained salvation fantasy. Don't beat yourself up..."
To which I say, I will keep trying, in all accounts.
@melliotm
To keep trying is a task in itself mellio, and I applaud you for it. It takes a great deal of strength to keep pushing on when you wake up to Groundhog Day. But I hear you value those moments of sunshine, those days with your daughter, those moments where life doesn't feel quite so crushing. And I admire that hugely. Your attitude is great, don't lose hope.
@DeborahUK 💟 Thanks Deb. Holding on hard as I can.
@DeborahUK its difficult to do this as been nuts at work n just managed a minute to sit. Ive never liked my appearance because of hormonal issues with pcos and being bullied as a teenager. Ive always thought others judged me because of it. I dont have much self esteem as a result and im not confident. I can overcome that a little by trying not to care esp at work but its hard.
Im not sure im doing so well at it since no sleep and flashbacks again today, is denting my own belief in my abilities and im second guessing all i do. I also dont like the look of concern people have when they ask how you are and why you are tired. I dont think im very convincing when i lie.
I never believe people when they say im caring or intelligent. I grew up comparing myself to my twin brother in most things academic and he long since surpassed me, so im stuck thinking im fairly dumb. But i have managed a degree while having a breakdown and still got a first and just about holding ontto a job so guess my head beats me down anyway.
Tired and need to clean house but hubby actually agreed we can build a real fort with blankets tonight so looking forward to something. Hoping this ends soon.
@inventiveOrange1 Real. Fort. With. Blankets. You've reached the promised land, Orange. <3 ⛺
@melliotm
I can see you've really started something with your blanket forts mellio. You need to market this idea. A pop up blanket fort for adults, with pouches for wine bottles and chocolate. I'd buy one!
@DeborahUK 😁 😎 I really should monetize pronto.
@inventiveOrange1
I understand how the judgement of others in our youth can be so very hurtful, and it does create that self critical inner voice. But my feeling is, if we can learn to listen and believe that one voice over time, then we can change the record to a more positive one, a more truthful one, and over time we can start to accept that new truth.
Fact is you got a first class degree, in difficult circumstances by the sounds of it. Wow! What a phenomenal achievement! And that's not just about brainpower, it's about determination, stubbornness, grit, strength. You did it Orange - you, no one else. Don't diminish it by comparing yourself to others. It was a stand alone triumph, be proud of it.
And now you're hanging on in there, you're using that grit and determination to get you through these tough times, and you have your husband on side with the blanket fort! You're doubly armed! And once again, you're battling difficult circumstances, but you're a winner don't forget. Look what you've achieved in the past. You're a first class winner!
@melliotm https://imgur.com/mRI1Cew hubby made chicken wings, wine and a film. Hiding from the world now. Hugs
@inventiveOrange1 Amazing. Enjoy your sanctuary.
Hugs.
@inventiveOrange1
That is fab! Definitely need to bring blanket forts back. I want one!
Hello Everyone,
So, I've had several traumatic experiences in my childhood. I'm now 30, and those experiences still affect me to this day. One event still feels like it happened yesterday. I don't feel like telling the whole story of it here, today. Maybe another day. I just wanted to say hi to everyone here. It's horrible to go through tramatic experiences during the childhood, because if it wasn't dealt with then/resolved, then the fears, feelings, and emotions will just get carried on through adulthood. The longer treatment is dragged, the harder it is to overcome it.
It makes me wonder, oftenly, if I will ever overcome my traumas. I feel it'll be a lifelong thing. Just like my depression and anxiety. It will never be gone, just some days will be better than others.
Here are a few quotes I've come across while watching some Korean Dramas:
"Tears aren't a signal of pain, but a signal of healing and because tears are needed to wash away pain and longing."
"What you do not see may not be real, but just becasue you do not see it, does not mean it does not exist."
"If misfortune doesn't come by itself, then we'll not face the misfortune alone."
Thanks for reading my post!~
Hi @Jaeteuk and welcome to the trauma community.
Thanks for the thoughtful quotes. Seems those Koreans know something about wisdom and sense :)
I'm sorry to hear you've experienced trauma, and it certainly can be a heavy load to bear. I guess my hope is that it's a load that can lighten for all of us, but that can take some time. And some talking. And that can be hard.
We're here as a community to get through those difficult days, to share as much or as little as we wish with others, safe in the knowledge we'll be greeted with compassion and care. Even if we don't fully understand what you're going through, it matters that you're going through it, and you don't have to go through it alone.
People in my everyday life tend to see someone who's unhappy, even when I really am. They see someone who's scared, even when I'm trying my best not to be. They see someone who's angry or upset, even when I'm fighting physical pain and social anxiety because I genuinely want to be there. No one sees how hard I try. No one can even tell that I'm happy when I genuinely am. Sometimes I'm better at playing it off than others. Sometimes I'm able to come across as happy or excited, sometimes even when I'm not. I try. I'm doing the best I can. No one knows how hard it is to just get out of bed some days. They don't understand. Even my own family. When I "get like this", they all look at me like they used to. They automatically see the teenager who had to be hospitalized three different times, and ultimately sent to a residential facility (all of which was against my will and made me worse, though it did get me away from the abuse for however long I was there each time). I stop being me and I become a problem again the second I show any emotion that they deem unpleasant. I'm trying 😞
@BeeLeigh
Do you think they're scared for your Bee? Anxious on your behalf? If they've seen you ill before, to the extent you needed inpatient care, perhaps they now jump at the first sign you may be coming unwell again. You know the people around you of course, I'm not saying that's definitely the case. It's just a thought.
@DeborahUK
I don't know that I'd say they get scared "for" me. But I do think they get worried. That isn't what I want though. I just want someone to tell me it's okay to feel this way sometimes, and to not make such a big deal out of it. It'll go away. It always does. I'm doing the best I can. They just don't understand, and instead of trying to understand, they'd rather just avoid the problem. Which really sucks when you are what's seen as "the problem". I literally live across the street from my mom, step dad, brother, and my brother's girlfriend, and I haven't seen them since last Sunday. My mom's a teacher, so she doesn't even have work right now. I see their posts on Facebook and that's about it. It's really difficult to not feel like you're just a burden to everyone when that's exactly how you're treated 😔
@BeeLeigh
Have you spoken to them about this? It sounds like it's a cause of hurt for you. Or maybe just tell your brother, see if he'll raise it with the family. It can be hard to do what's right for the person. Maybe they do the best they know. But it sounds like something that you may be able to resolve with a bit of openness. Or do you think not?
@DeborahUK
They've said things before that indicate they believe it's just my childhood and how my dad was that's the reason I am the way I am. Which, I mean, I guess they're not far off. But they see it more as a "just get over it" type thing. They don't know about everything that happened after my dad. I don't want them to. I don't think they'd believe me anyway. They didn't believe me about my dad until he started treating my mom that way when I was no longer there, and then my brother once my mom left. Even then it was still like a "well, it's over now so move on". Sorry, but my brain doesn't work that way. I was trapped in the abuse by my dad a lot longer than they were, and the subsequent abuse was so much worse. My brain's a little stuck. They don't "get" that and they don't care to. My one cousin will be 16 this year, and she's been on antidepressants since she was 8. We all know it. We all know she was suicidal and that's why she was put on them. But it's never discussed. It's occasionally whispered about. She got a dog because her therapist suggested it, and it was just billed as they finally got the dog they'd wanted for so long. My cousin will tell you that she takes medication for seasonal allergies, but that's it. Because in my family, mental illness is seen as weakness. My aunt took medication for a long time. Yet, she'll get mocked for being "overly sensitive" growing up. It's not great.
@DeborahUK
This is lovely :) Thank you.
@singercrystalspirit
Aaw shucks Singer 😊
@DeborahUK
