Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check In - Saturday March 31st 2018

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@DeborahUK

@DeborahUK

https://gph.is/2fhIua6

That hit home.

Ive had too many times when I have said no and it was disregarded so I just stopped saying it

@DeborahUK The things I agree to that I don't want to do are small things that won't affect me greatly. I've never really agreed to do something major that I'm still unsure about. I do need to work on saying no to those small things too though.

@DeborahUK

I love that post, really a good topic to think about...

Well, I'm having a hard time saying no, I guess that's the least used word in my vocabulary... The reason you found why we avoid the 'No', yeah, all of them... I feel guilty, I'm scared of offending somebody, hurt somebody's feelings, I'mmscared of people thinking bad of me and my 'No' were just not heard in the past... Inknow the past is past and now I have loving people around me who respect me, but still, it's a feeling inside of me, I just want to do everything to make others happy... Well, I'm working on it, I know sometimes I have to take care of myself, too, but well, for myself I just don't matter as much as others...

But thank you for the post, I'll think about it seriously and try to think of situations when I could perhaps try out the 'No' 😊

@DeborahUK

Boundaries breached = NO, Assuming things of me = No I'm not doing good today = No I don't agree with it = No

Lots of No's come out of my mouth yet sometimes people just find other ways to stealthy sneak their rubbish on you. My favourite No is walking away lol

@DeborahUK -

"No."

When I was a child, I was taught to say no, it's true. However, I was a very literal child, so I was also very confused much of the time because society has lot of conflicting rules. Say no, okay got it - except to certain people (like parents), okay getting a little muddy but can work with that - oh and don't say no to certain situations (like school things), okay getting more confused - etc etc. Furthermore, sometimes adults would say Yes but then the thing wouldn't happen anyway, which also confused me. Yes should mean yes, like a promise, and no should mean no, like a promise. Perplexed wisdom from my child brain. It wasn't made clear to me what I should say no about, or to whom. For example, I was taught that I should respect, agree with and listen to my elders, even if I didn't agree with them or their actions. This became a blurred line for me as I attempted to determine from a young age who qualified as an elder. Someone a year older than me? Someone smarter? All adults no matter what? Just family? Confusing. To make matters more complicated, media and social interactions taught me from a very young age that there was a stigma against women. I had the impression that women were seen as disagreeble, fickle, naggy, and picky. Since I was also under the impression that women were not well-liked on a whole, I was determined to be the opposite and get approval. So largely during my childhood and even teenage years, I agreed to anything. (Of course, later I realized the only way to change those stereotypes was to just be the real me.) When abuse became more prevelant, I rationalized that my opinions must not matter, I didn't have a right to think for myself, so I would say nothing instead of yes or no, I became a very silent person. Eventually people started chiding me for not 'being open to new opportunities', so I went from saying nothing to saying yes to everything again, because I was scared I would miss out on opportunities. I've largely been all-or-nothing about No. Either I've agree to everything, or I haven't accept anything. This is where compromises, the grey area inbetween, have really helped me be honest with myself while not excluding opportunities.

Shorter version: I started out with a poor understanding of what no and yes even meant. I agreed to a lot of things I wasn't comfortable with because I didn't want to be unloved, stereotyped against, excluded. Later, because I didn't feel I had the right to think for myself. Later still, because I became concerned I was missing out on things by not being open enough.

I acknowledge that there is no guarantee other people will follow my "yes-means-yes" "no-means-no" rules, but that doesnt mean I can't follow those rules for myself. I still hold those rules from my child brain close to my heart.

When I agree to something, I am in it 100%.

When I say no, it is unlikely I will change my mind unless new factors or options are introduced to me. If I can't think of compromises, I will just say No. But I am almost always open to compromise. "No, I will not do that - but I will do this other thing." That has helped me immensely. Sometimes, though, I just have to be firm, and in those cases, flat No is the best. I still struggle saying no to the people I love most. I want them to have everything they desire, do everything they want, &c. But thankfully, they ought to want the same for me, so with communication, finding healthy compromises has become easier, and because they love me, they never shame for me saying No, and that validation has been immensely helpful as well. /end rambling

@DeborahUK My god, this is so me. When I quit my last job, a friend of mine even sent me daily reminders why I wanted/needed to quit this job so I wouldn't say "Yes" to staying any longer. I never realised this was a thing for other people. It always seemed to me that saying "No" is so easy for other people and that it's just me.

@DeborahUK