Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In Sunday July 8th 2018

@Raveninthelabrynth

It's a very fitting check in topic today, thank you ❤

I've been trying to reply to it since you posted it but I keep over thinking it.

Typing stuff out and deleting it. I think thats one of the most common aftermaths when you feel like you have to censor your words, rearranging them so they fit into what the enviroment your in's guidelines.

The guidelines I had to live under growing up was that it was okay to be seen sometimes but not okay to be heard.

Speaking about emotions or expressing them in any way was not allowed. For this reason it took me years even to feel comfortable saying the word anxious. Its actually only in very recent years that I have been able to use that word in a sentence out loud to describe how im feeling. Before that I was always in awe of people who were able to speak freely about their emotions and I was always on the look out for someone to ridicule them for having done so.

I believe my inability and fear of expressing emotions caused me alit of physical issues, constant stomach issues and general physical discomfort. Even now when I go through something really difficult often my first clue of it effecting me emotionally is phsyical symptoms of stress and anxiety. My mind has been kind of conditioned not to accept or think of things in an emotional way, which sometimes makes it difficult to identify what the emotions are if you get me?!

Traumatic events in the past have also censored me and taken away my words. During the last traumatic event it took someone else putting what I was feeling into words in order for me to identify them because all I was feeling was alot of physical pain and discomfort and like I was dying.

Being able to use your words is vital and they are powerful and you do have a right to be heard ❤

Hi raven thanks for this check-in, it makes so much sense on so many levels. I guess this pain in me needs a voice needs the support, she wants to reach out and tell her story even in bits. . She's knows it won't change anything , but she hopes for acceptance.

Once step at a time. Thanks again reading the articles.

@Raveninthelabrynth

Okay. So. Man do I have a lot to say here. (I guess that's good!!)

I was censored growing up by a mother who couldn't stand to hear certain things. Some were "religious", such as "bad" words. But for her, it wasn't merely restricting her children from saying curse words. We also weren't allowed to say, for example, the word "stupid", or to call someone "fat", or we got the same reaction. She didn't teach us not to want to hurt other people. She taught us that it was bad to say those words, and bad to hurt other people. There's a big difference.

I was also censored by the church I grew up in, and the adults there. I remember many times the way I wanted to express myself with my clothes, I was branded "immoral" either indirectly or by the way someone looked at me. The way I wanted to express my affection with my relationships, was branded "sinful" or "wrong". So much judgment was passed around. Whatever their intent was, I don't care. I know what I learned, and the lesson I learned was NOT TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

I was also censored by my parents regarding expressing emotion and feeling emotion. I was not allowed to feel angry at my parents, or express anger towards them, or else I got punished. I got spanked, which is abuse, and sometimes I got spanked pretty hard. Or I got stuck with my face in a corner, which is abuse too. Or I got made to sit on my bed in my room alone, on top of my hands. Which is abuse. I got human connection taken away from me and denied. I grew to learn to hate authority, and to fear expressing myself.

So. All my life I have wanted to be a singer. When I was a child I sang and danced and wrote lyrics and listened to music ALL the time. When I hit puberty, that stopped. (A lot of this other stuff also started kicking in/sinking in during this time as well).

Finally, at age 26 I decided I was going to give myself the gift of finally learning to sing. So I took two and a half years of singing lessons. I also took voice lessons and a year of acting lessons. I was going to be an actress... I thought it would be perfect for me. At first, it was indeed ideal. I was able to express myself, and I was LOVED for it and embraced for it, rather than having it be shoved away. I was complimented for it. I was appreciated for it. After some time, I realized that acting as a career wasn't what I was truly looking for, because I would always have to play a different character, and what I wanted was actually to BE ME. And also the lifestyle was crazy and a lot of it went against my values.

That's not my entire story, there are some other pieces... such as the mysterious force of bulimia I battled for eight years in high school and college and what that disorder has to do with expression or lack thereof.

Well, right now, today, I don't really care so much about career. In fact, I wish I didn't have to "work". "Work" seems to be the cause of so much stress, so much unhappiness, so much insomnia. I am hoping and praying I can find another option to make my way in the world, other than "work". And in regards to expression, I often feel shame and disappointment towards myself. For, you see, I quit my singing lessons in order to pursue photography. I know full well that music is far more important to me than photography ever will be, even though I enjoy photography greatly. I couldn't tell you what's going on in my psyche there, why I hold music so dear and yet refuse to let myself embrace it. I can tell you it hurts. I also still love dancing, which at least I have been letting myself explore more! I am quite excited and looking forward to moving to Portland (if indeed that does happen... I'm waffling on it lately. I still want to go to Oregon, but lately I'm looking at living on a farm. We'll see.), because I know in Portland there will be lots of healing opportunities to dance that I think I would love and enjoy and would heal me quite a lot.

To me, photography symbolizes me expressing myself nonverbally, when I have no other way to express myself. I took lots of photos during my abusive relationship where I was abused, and for a long time just looking back through them helped me remember that yes, I existed during that time frame. Without those photos, I am not sure I would have believed that I had really been alive. I felt so nonexistent. So it helped me. But... to me, music symbolizes true freedom. If I sang and played music... gosh, then, I would truly be free. Freedom of expression. Free to be me. That's how I feel. But something holds me back.

I also used to be a writer. I was quite good at it. But... well, my abusive ex was a musician, a composer, a writer.... yes I know, "don't let him take it from me" and all that. I can't seem to get myself to do those things again. For much, for long. I can't seem to enjoy them. Maya Angelou is one of my biggest heroes. I really want to write things, and to express myself that way. I love words. I can't seem to get myself to really write, either. Anything. Other than journaling on 7cups. I don't enjoy writing anymore. It kind of makes me sad. I don't know. Maybe it doesn't matter. But I know it does. I used to want to help people with my writing. And with my music and singing.

I used to speak out against wrong. My mother criticized me so many times, even recently, that despite valiant efforts to continue going, I kind of gave up. Especially being here in South Carolina where there is much racism and confederate ideals and passive aggression and insincerity and sexism... I let the environment get to me. It overwhelmed me. I don't know what else to say. That's part of the reason, maybe most of the reason, I want to get out. I don't belong here.

I do resonate heavily with "being censored can be traumatizing all over again". It's part of what is so difficult about my relationship with my mother. I am working on boundaries. She has her own triggers, I believe, which is why she cannot hear or listen to certain things and thus tries to censor them. There are many positive aspects about her, though, and I do want her in my life. It is a very challenging relationship because it affects my very identity and ability to self-express. When one's mother teaches one that it is not safe to self-express, and that love will be withheld if others do not like your self-expression... well, that's difficult to overcome, especially while still maintaining a relationship with one's mother. Believe me, I've often thought about cutting her out completely. And one time, I tried cutting out both her and my father.

This is getting very long, I know, so thank you for reading. I think probably the only cure for these things is to simply start doing them. Start expressing. Keep expressing. Don't stop. Yet why is that so hard? I try my hardest not to beat myself up over it, but often I feel frustrated with myself, and think that I am a coward, and feel ashamed.

I am going to check out those links Rave, I hope they help.

Thank you for posting about this and letting me get some of my thoughts out.

x

I started to find my voice but would appear to have lost it again. So tempted to crawl back into my shell and hide but know thats not going to help me get better. This is why I try to at least check in, even if it is only with a hi and hugs for now.

Building up the courage to speak and be heard only to get beats. I wont bother speaking next time. Lesson learnt. #one step forward and 100 back#story of my life

@Raveninthelabrynth

The human voice is the most beautiful instrument of all, but it is the most difficult to play. - Richard Strauss

a quite true quote I think... I'd tell everybody to use their voices, to speak up, to fight... I have some strong opinions, I defend with my voice, but using my voice for myself, to defend myself, to speak up for myself, hm, don't really have that in me... and I guess that's all I have in me to say...

Hi. I have no voice except on here and most days I still find it hard to talk on here. Thanks for being here whether I talk or not.

@Raveninthelabrynth

What a beautifully timed thread Raven ...... you dont miss a beat!

Yes, censorship. So very reminscent of the silencing many people affected by trauma had to endure. I know I did, for many years. And its enormously damaging.

Just because I dont speak doesnt mean I have nothing to say.

So yes, to have a site such as this, to be heard, is incredibly powerful. And to be robbed of that voice again through censorship is incredibly painful.

I have just found out that I