Traumatic Experiences Community Daily-Check In : Thursday, 18th October
Heya Trauma Support Community! My name is Samantha and I'm stopping by to post the check-in for thursday!
For those of you who don't know me very well, I am a huge sports fan!!! My treatment team incorporates a lot of sports psychology into my therapy so I thought I could bring up some sports analogies and relate it back to recovery for this check-in!
My two favorite sports are soccer and baseball! And one of my favorite types of books to read are sports memoirs because it talks alot of finding yourself, dealing with challenges, and constantly growing yourself to be your personal best!
One of the hardest things for me to deal with personally is accepting feedback - that could be positive or negative feedback even. For some reason it triggers this inner negative critic in my head that either tells me people are lying when they tell me positive feedback or the voice gets super dark if it's negative feedback. It can lead to feelings of low self-worth, anger, sadness, self-harm thoughts, and it's just the hardest thing for me to deal with. What about you, how do you cope with feedback?
Feedback is a super important part of recovery though! It's important to be able to give yourself open and honest feedback and to be able to accept feedback from other people!
Being a 7cups listener has helped me with this challenge because there's been times when I got feedback on my roles and then I wasn't so open to growing and learning from it. But each time I get feedback on my listener role, I try to get a little bit better. Even accepting feedback about this check-in thread would be difficult for me but I would love to hear it so I can improve on the next ones :P<3
Whoopsies, I got sidetracked from my main point so back to the sports memoirs topic!
One of my favorite sports books is by Carli Lloyd of the USA woman's national soccer team. Her memoir, When Nobody Was Watching: My Hard-Fought Journey to the Top of the Soccer World is super inspirational to me! In the book, Carli Lloyd talks about how the USA national team coach kicked her off the team because she had an "uncoachable attitude." It was a major setback for carli lloyd to be kicked off of the one thing that brings her the most joy in life - the USA woman's soccer team. It's really hard to hear criticisms about ourselves from other people and even the world's top athletes struggle to accept feedback. Even though Carli Lloyd didn't completely agree with her former coach, she turned the major setback of getting kicked off the team into a growth opportunity. She connected with an old soccer mentor and practiced harder than she ever did before! Slowly she started to learn to accept critisms about her performance and adapt her level of play to be the best version of herself she could be! Long story short, carli lloyd not only made it back on the USA woman's national soccer team, she is often the captain on the field and is a major force that helps the team win championships!
I started to apply this philosophy to my life and my recovery journey because there's many times when I can have that "uncoachable attitude." I tend to have rigid black & white thinking and I shut down when I am told critism even if it's helpful. I use anger to protect myself from feedback but then I usually just end up in worse trouble than before. You don't always have to accept what other people say as true but working on accepting feedback can be a helpful skill for recovery. Especially when my therapists, teachers, and grandparents try to point my harmful behaviors that are sabbotaging myself. Maybe I still don't always accept what they say right away but i'm really trying. Making small steps for growth and learning to process feedback in healthy ways to help yourself grow is super powerful for our mental health!
So I thought I would bring up the topic of accepting feedback for mental health and for recovery! It also makes me more mindful of the way I try to give feedback to other people but that's probably a topic for a whole different check-in!
Here's a short article for steps on how to accept feedback: it's a good little resource that helps keep you on track with coping with feedback!
- personally, step #1 on the article is the most difficult part of the process for me, "Stop your first reaction" Are there any steps from the article that are more difficult or easier for you?
https://www.themuse.com/advice/taking-constructive-criticism-like-a-champ
Here's some questions we can discuss in the check-in today (answer any or all of the questions below)
1. Do you struggle with feedback? What parts make accepting feedback difficult for you?
2. If you want you can share about a time when you struggled with feedback or when you grew from a difficult constructive criticism situtaion
3. How do you cope when you get feedback? Are there any skills or technqiues that help you through it?
4. How do you wish people gave you feedback differently? What would help make you feel safer when you are getting told feedback?
5. How are you feeling today? Are you looking forward to anything about the rest of the week? Any highlights about today or any downsides that we can help emotionally support you through?
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@summertimeSamness Awesome topic Samness.I sometimes struggle with feedback too however, one i got recently well 2, i reacted different i said ty and for the one i dont know how to improve on, i expressed punctuation and grammar is a struggle has been right through childhood.I can spot the mistakes in someone elses writing but my own its blurry, so the one giving feedback said ill edit your posts hows this sound, once they are edited i can then read back and try learn from them.
I also have my topic for Fridays Checkin im doing a regular day now every Friday
Hope you are well and im good
@CaringBrit
Heya Brit!!! Awesome that you're doing Friday check-ins! Looking forward to your threads!
I struggle with grammar and punctuation too. I have a learning disorder so proofing my posts is difficult for me. I usually don't see my typos and my spelling is very bad :') I love having an edit button on my forum posts because without it I am too nervous to write long posts. My focus affects my writing the most. Sometimes I legit can't focus so it doesn't matter how many times I proof something, it's just not gonna happen until my focus is back. I like when people tell me I have typos but it also triggers negative thoughts. I would still rather have it fixed than typos showing though. I try to type how I talk. Like I say my sentences out loud then I write them. Then iiread them out loud many times. So that kinda helps.
Proud of you for taking the feedback and helping yourself grow! I guess accepting feedback doesn't mean having a weakness because then we can work on the skills to help overcome it but if we avoid feedback the weakness can limit us
I also get stuck and that stops me from accepting feedback. My family is pretty good at recongizing when I'm stuck and can't move forward but sometimes I make other people really frustrated when I am stuck on something they said
My other problem is trying to control what other people think of me so I won't always accept feedback if I think I can control their opinion first
Probably my biggest challenge is my first reaction and that tends to be panic or rage mode. When I'm in that mode the feedback like isn't even getting into my head. It's like in one ear and immediately out the other ear so sometimes I have to take a step back first. This is hard because I have trouble telling people when I need space because it means saying "I'm upset" and I don't like to feel things so my family has to point it out to me. Like my grandparents will tell me go take a cool out then usually after that I can listen to feedback. Sometimes it takes many cool outs before I accept it XD
@summertimeSamness yeah had that reaction before too, when i type how i talk where i think i should breathe, like i am doing now might not be right for others.
I did a checkin friday Last week on the 12th if you wanted to go read my topic my next topic is going to follow on from that
@summertimeSamness
*trigger warning*
i have been feeling awful and wanting to die yesterday was awful. i came home and i blew up and put metal thing to my wrist and even tho i wasnt saying it i was i said just one cut just one just one cut over and over and i was crying. i almost did i put the metal thing in my wrist . then i took a belt and contemplated putting it around my neck. I got up after crying after my mom said save your baby tears for your dad. i then left my house because i would rather be in 30 degree weather( freezing) then be with my mother. i went to a tree balling my eyes out and sat. i was begging god to take me. and begging him to make it better. now i dont believe there really is one but i cried and i cant really keep doing this. i told my therapist. i told her im starving again. but anyway when i went for a walk i wa on my way home and my dad picked me up because he was coming home from work. i got in the car and he said what is wrong. i said i cant do it dad i cant take this woman your married to.we drove home and she said i gotta call the police and drop the run away charges. i flipped out and nearly went and hurt myself. my dad didnt realize. he said this medicine isnt helping you. i said no not really. but its truly my step mom. i just cant keep doing this. i have 0 motivation to even take a shower or eat anymore yes im showering but i have to force myself....
@Hope7879 your step mum sounds really awful to be treating you the way she is
just sharing all that isnt easy to do so im proud of you do you currently feel safe at this moment
if youd like a hug im here too
@CaringBrit
from myself no not really but i have to deal with it mental health therapists and doctors just tell you to deal with it.
@Hope7879 - If you're not feeling safe with yourself right now, what options do you have to make sure you are safe until things feel a little better? Three options that you can do to help yourself stay safe:
1. Calling a crisis line to talk about these feelings when they come up - whether you prefer talking on the phone or chatting online (like 1-1 chats here, but with people trained for crises), you can find options at suicidestop.com
2. Asking someone to be with you so that you can't hurt yourself - this could be your dad, a friend, an adult you trust, anyone who you can reach out to and say "I don't feel like I'm safe right now, will you stay with me?"
3. Tell a parent or adult that you need to be somewhere safe and stay in the hospital for a little while so people can help make sure you're safe while you're feeling this way
It can feel pretty scary to not feel safe with yourself, and the most important thing right now is that you make sure you stay safe, however you need to. Once you are feeling safe, then from there you can focus on the next steps, what options there are to improve the overall situation, etc., but step one has to be safety.
Sending you a lot of love and some extra hope for today and the weekend 
@Anomalia
I'll be fine just will never tell people someone I need to go to the hospital I don't I'll be fine it's whatever honestly
@LifeisMyCanvas @AnyaS
so this is the writing i did
I met Wendy sometime in November of 2016.
At first I didn't really like her because she would pick at my feelings that I had kept inside for so long. My father and I went to the office which is a mental health clinic. The place was very familiar because I have been in the outpatient part of the clinic,but I never have been in the home based part of the building.
So I go to the part of the building where the psychiatrist is. This part of the building was way bigger and had brown walls. The floor was grey and brown mixed together. We walked down the hallway where the therapists were. I had no clue this part even existed.
We come to this room that had a brown door. The nurse opened the door. We walked in
Wendy said Hi, Im Wendy.
My dad said this is Hope and Im her father Dustin.
I looked at this lady thinking god why is she so nice and why does she have that haircut. I look at this woman she has this hair color that is like brown and black mixed. Her haircut was short in the back and long in the front and it was very short too. It had barely any length anyway no clue why she would choose that haircut. It made Wendy look like she was 70. When in reality she was maybe 45. I thought this person seems kind of weird I thought she was kind of old to help me. I wanted to know how she expected to help me. I never asked her because it would have been rude to ask her.
I was very worried about this appointment. They talked for a few minutes. She finally asked me a question at this time. I had zoned out in my own world. I had to think for a second to process I said I like to sing and play basketball.
Hope what do you like to do?
I said basketball,volleyball and singing
The rest of the meeting I just sat there.
I just watched how she talked and moved her arms. She moved her arms in a way to go with her words. The movements were calm not scary. She would talk to my father and move her arms with every sentence she said. It was quite different. Its like she had to move her arms with every word. I have to admit she was very different and I didnt like her. I'm like how can this person help me,she has no clue who I am.
The meeting came to the end. I felt so relieved I got to leave.
We walked down the long hallway again and walked out into the lobby.
My dad and I walked to our car and I thought wow this woman is different.
My dad said
I really think she is going to be able to you
I don't know about that dad
Well she sees you next week on Tuesday my father remarked
ok
She overall was a great person,very stubborn, and persistent with trying to help me. I also liked her because she meant something to me for trying to help me and actually listened to me about my feelings. I had a lot of mixed feelings about her.
We would meet 2 times a week but it eventually went up to 3 or 4 times a week because I wasn't getting better and she saw how much I was struggling so much. I was having major suicidal thoughts. I started writing suicide notes but no one knew.
One day my mom was going through my closet for something she needed. Inside was a suicide note ripped up into 4 parts. She taped them together. Then she called my therapist and we had an emergency meeting and she didn't know I wanted to die so bad.
We had a talk where I was going to the hospital the next time I would write one.
The next month I wrote one not thinking anyone was going to find out I wrote a suicide note and I was going to end my life that night. I ended up telling my therapist and said she could help me anymore so I was going to end it.
She called my dad then my mom since my dad was at work. My mom came to the school and picked me up and took me to the emergency room like my therapist had said. My therapist said she would meet us there. She already evaluated me without me knowing . So when I got there they immediately started trying to find a hospital for me to be placed in short term.
I went to the hospital. That started the whole process of being in and out of hospitals for a total of a year and a half.
I was in one hospital 3 times,at another once,and in a residential for 20 days,then in another one for 10 months, Not in that order specifically.
Towards the end of my stay, I were talking more and more. At this time we were close. I trusted her alot and I didnt have that with many people. I got out on May 20, 2017.
I thought Wendy was staying with me till I was better or I was ready for outpatient. I was very wrong.
Hope Im leaving at the end of June
What do you mean your leaving
I'm going down state for another job
Just as she says that my fear becomes true, she was leaving me. I put my walls up and denied inside. A tear rolls down my face. I immediately wipe it away. People cant see my fear again.
At that moment I broke. I felt crushed and abandoned. she promised she would never leave.
I sat and a little voice said you will never trust again, you will never feel this emotion abandonment.
I sat for the rest of the time staring blankly into space, zoning out. This world and fall I put up came falling down with her saying she wouldn't leave.
The thoughts were all too much. I just needed to be alone
Eventually the meeting was over.
I walked in calmly but inside the raging anger and the enormous ache in my heart was taking over.
I walked to my room. Pacing back and forth crying. Panicking inside. Paying for how much I trusted her when she said Im staying.
Im staying
Yelling at the hollowing voice that won't stop.
You didn't stay it was a trick!
Im staying
Shut up !
I wrote her a letter that Im sorry, Im done with living and trying to be okay. It was much longer but that was the main part of it.
The following 2 weeks from then I felt terrible. I didn't live; I was in my empty world. The protector of my thoughts and the loneliness. I left back to the dream land where no one could hurt me. The part where not even the emptiness could come and steal me.
Then the day came. She had to leave. I was avoiding this but despite my efforts it came to haunt me again.
The little demons saying
You did this, you drove her away. You made me leave you.
She came to my house with fidgets, slime, and puzzles. I felt that was to make me feel better, but it didn't.
Hey Hope
She was with my new therapist.
This is Stacy
You don't have to go
She came over and sat in a chair stacy did the same. I felt the normal lump in my throat, taking a breath and swallowing.
She had to go and I knew it. I knew it was my fault I left her and she was moving on and leaving. That I should have stayed or listened the hospital wasn't the place for me.
‘Hey, its okay Hope you will be okay.
No I won't, how do you know your just leaving. I need you
The waterfall is starting again one tear slips and another. I won't be able to stop it. I need it to. I thought this new woman Stacy cant see me this vulnerable and broken.
Through my efforts the storm I kept in all this time, snuck down my cheek. The wetness on my cheek. It was the emptiness my heart felt, the loneliness, the heartache.
Wendy walks over, sits next to me. She gave me the tightest hug she ever gave me. I sat there and cried on her shoulder. She held me. The storm was full force. I needed the storm to come out for a little. I needed the pain to stop.
Please don't go…
The muffles were weak. All my energy came out with the storm. I kept that storm in so much. It was so exhausting keeping it in and getting it out.
Shh it's alright…
It isnt I can't keep living if you go..
Before I knew it the hour went by.
As Wendy and Stacy left. Walking to Wendys car. The Storm started again; I just needed it to stop before I ended up hurting myself.
I walked into my room. They pulled away. I sat there screaming. Bob my uncle walked in. Reaching to wrap his arms around me.
Baby girl itll be okay
No it isnt
I sat and threw things. Anything to get my anger out. Simple things that won't break things.
The storm took over I was sobbing, screaming and begging god to take me. Picking up the phone. Dialing as fast as I could.
Hello, this is Wendy
come back, don't do this to me.
Hope, you'll be okay.
no I won't
Its okay, you have to delete my number
The parts after are blurry. I just shut down. How you flip a light switch, I learned to do that with my emotions. From that day I remember shutting down overdosing more and trying so hard to die. Abandonment is what I try so hard to stop. But for once I let someone in.
I have learned so many different things from this situation but I will name one is many people come in and out of your life for many reasons. The People choose their fate. I don't control others. I can live be okay even though I don't have wendy anymore.
[MonBon edited for confidentiality]
@Hope7879
that was a very emotional and vulnerable story hope. I'm so glad you feel comfortable enough to share it with us. Is it alright if I ask how things have been with Stacy?
@incompl
i switched therapists and was with a dbt therapist now
@summertimeSamness
1. Do you struggle with feedback? What parts make accepting feedback difficult for you?
I think feedback can be difficult because it proposes a different image of yourself or your actions that you currently hold as truth. It's similar to when you see a picture of yourself - this is uncomfortable whether you look "good" or not as it's not the image of yourself that you hold (since we usually see ourselves in a mirror or reversed image like a selfie)
5. How are you feeling today? Are you looking forward to anything about the rest of the week? Any highlights about today or any downsides that we can help emotionally support you through?
I had a fight with my roommate last night. It gave me nightmares about another friend I had a falling out with a couple years ago. It's like I don't even realize the fight is happening until I suddenly do, and then I don't know how to escape the conversation. This also has the unfortunate side effect of making me feel like it's all my fault, even though in reality I know that people are full of faults and there is rarely a situation where one person acted totally without fault.
Hey summertime! Welcome to trauma support and lovely to meet you :)
I've struggled alot with feedback over the years. It is often hard not to take feedback personally or see it as an attack. I often see it other people who have trauma as well, as we are oversensitive to danger simple questions become a threat and then you need to calm down before you can respond with a clear head.
My job has forced me to get better at accepting critism as it's very important if I want to grow in my career. I've caused issues before by struggling to accept it so now I used a 'stop, look and listen' approach. Stop the initial reaction, look at the situation and make sure you really listen to what the person is saying!
Anyway making this short as my app keeps playing up!! Had a good day though at work, being able to work has made me super happy and my migraines are back to a managable level :D which is awesome :D
I struggle with feedback at times unless it is coming from an experienced and/or knowledged source. I have learned not to take things too personal and I try to keep my thoughts and responses analytical and logical. This in itself can be frustrating unless the other person is on my mental level. This discomfort keeps me from even responding a lot of times. Instead, I hear what is said and decide how I want to use this information or opinion and just walk on.
Sorry i stopped replying all just typing up my Check-in for friday
Sports :) i also love sports. Its not just what i enjoy, its my job too. You should read the book The Champions Mind. Its all about getting your mind in a place to perform at its best. A lot of it applies to life too.
I was going to say more but i think im just gonna leave it at that.
@summertimeSamness
Hi Samantha. It's good to see you.
