Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-In Thursday, January 18th 2018

@KristenHR

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Today's not so good.. Started off rough to begin with but has steadily gotten worse.. Im tired and frustrated and just exhausted from this constant battle.. That quote is so true but I don't even know if there is a way to fix my self esteem it is non existent.. Its now almost midnight here and im just ready to curl up in bed and not leave it.. Really hope I don't get called in to work tomorrow just can't face people again :(

It is getting late here and I'm getting a bit sleepy

my left hand smells like playdough, i am reading doctor who stuff and today hasn't been horrible, i've actually been brave today.

So I've got this situation, there's this person who is making my life really difficult at my church and i keep having to go over her head because she refuses to make my job easy, all she has to do is pick the songs so i can do the slides and the musicians can practice the songs before sunday. but she has issues with me and is making my job difficult and because she refuses to communicate with me, i have to go over her head to get my job done, which i'm sure is making it worse and so it happened again today, the songs are meant to be up tuesday night and i messaged my pastor this morning and he just did them and let her know, just because she has a problem with me that she refuses to tell anyone and doesn't want to resolve and it is wearing at me a lot, more than i care to admit.

anyway, when it comes to self esteem, feeling good about myself, its hard, i don't feel good about myself, that my homework from my therapist is to ask myself with every decision "is this caring for me", when the thought that goes through my head, is that i don't matter, so why bother. its kind of hard when for a lot of your life, you've been treated as insignificant and inferior, treated like faeces and used as a slave by your own biological father who was meant to love and protect you but rather abused you and threw you to the dogs when he was done.

so i ask myself "is this caring for me?" and i sometimes answer "yes" trying to feel like i'm worth something.

@KristenHR

Hello all.

I am not even remotely OK today. I have had Benadryl two or three nights out of the past several, and melatonin combined. I haven't been sleeping. This wave of insomnia hit me out of nowhere, so I don't have a doctor or a plan for how to handle it (this is my old plan from my old doctor: alternate benadryl and melatonin). I feel near panicked, very depressed, completely unable to focus on work, completely freaked about my future (is THIS the real reason I don't have a better job?)

I'm second guessing everything. One mindset is that "I just haven't found the right fit for me" job wise and I've been trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. The other mindset is that I am an addict and I have a lot of attachment issues and mental health issues, and THOSE are why I haven't been able to take responsibility in a job. My brain is freaking out right now, not knowing which is true.

I don't feel like there's anyone that can help me. I've been paying for life coaches and career coaches and I don't feel I can take their advice. I've been asking friends and family. I feel so overwhelmed. The other day I felt so positive. What is going on?

I'm not well today and I wish I could just go home. But I need the money. Eff my life. How did I get back here? This wasn't supposed to happen again. I had a chance to change it.

Feeling under the weather, got that flu again.

@KristenHR

What do you think about this statement?

I think that idk

How are you doing right now?
I step out of my comfurt zone but what if need just feels safe..idk always confused...

What would you like to share today?

I so much doubt?

Getting back your self-esteem, picking up all of the shattered pieces of it after abuse is...one of the hardest thing, yet biggest dare, courage and strength for me personally.To build it all slowly, day by day, choice by choice and starting to believe again that you're indeed worthy is a tremendous work.In the end it's so, so, so worth it!Healing and bringing back to life your self-esteem and confidence but this time even better and more indestructible than it all was before it was taken away.It's a huge learning process and takes a lot of experimenting for me personally but I try my best.

Today is a very calm day.Taking walks, enjoying the snow covered landscapes and silence that fills the air.Slowly opening myself up to the idea of moving out and getting my own place together with my partner.It's very challenging and scary thing for me to leave my safety, comfort zone, trust in myself, my ability to handle it all but deep down I start to feel ready.

A very huge achievement today was that even despite doing very little, I was able to not scold myself and feel like it's enough and be at peace with it, not feel guilty or weak,lazy.I respected myself, my feelings and showed myself compassion, was patient with myself.I'm not quite sure overall where this all will lead me in the future...The way things are now, all that has happened during the last 2 months...But it feels like I must trust the process and don't resist.So I try to.

Today was a decent day. It was pretty good. I made a lot of people happy, and I got rid of a lot of stuff I dont need or use. Most of which was still brand new. My inner child is being slightly banned from making purchases for the foreseeable future 😜😂. I brought a whole bin of stuff to work today and told everyone they could go through it and take whatever they wanted, and it was emptied so fast! They were even asking if I had any more! And I actually took a few requests lol. Im bringing more stuff on Monday and, after seeing how happy everyone was with what they got today, I dont even feel bad about getting rid of all that stuff!! 😊

@KristenHR

Hi Kristen, I am not doing well at all, and feel like I'm in sinking deeper in an abyss of deep depression & hopelessness. I can accept that there is no "instant fix" for self-esteem issues, but after decades of therapy, hospitalizations, typical & atypical antidepressants, insulin shock treatments, and even a computer implant to try and assist in "fixing" my severe, refractory, treatment-resistant depression, in addition to PTSD, & depression, I also have autism which feels like "three strikes...and I'm OUT of the game of life." And, I'm coming to the conclusion that most of my doctors and therapists have arrived at: there isn't ANY way to fix me. I requested my hospital records from the last hospital I was involuntarily commited to, and on the last page, the neuropsychiatrist who is well reputed, & who treated me, wrote: Prognosis: Very Poor. I've hated myself and being alive for as long as I can remember, and feel like such an incredible failure at trying to improve myself, my thinking, and my life. I know I need to keep going to therapy because of the unsafe place my thoughts take me, and because I have no family, friends, or support system. But the longer I go to therapy, do what they suggest, and do not make improvements, ...the worse I feel about myself. So many therapists have quit treating me because no matter what they say & do, & no matter how hard I try to work on my issues, I just don't improve. And when I have worked hard to be honest, risked vulnerability, & try and build a trusting relationship with them over time, which is a really challenging thing for me to do, and they just quit because they claim they can't help me..it crushes me and I just end up feeling worse about myself. My entire life I have had people (family, coaches, professors, landlords, and nearly every employer say, "What a disappointment you... "turned out to be," "ended up being," etc. I do everything I can to NOT make those words...live on, and being "a problem," almost everywhere I go (which isn't extensive: take a bus to work, take the bus home). I'm glad I have a part-time job to minimally contribute to my living expenses, but I am so underemployed that every day when I take a bus to work, it only is a daily reminder that my life has amounted to nothing (except mile-high piles of problems) that cannot be fixed. I've tried to work in a field related to my two college degrees, but I it was too hard for me to keep a job while I was so depressed, and stressed out. I don't know HOW to even begin to raise my self-esteem because there is such a loud and constant, (non-stop) brutal & cruel self-beratement going on in my head. Just about anything can set off my internal vehement put downs, & I've expended so much time & energy working to drown them out, distract myself from them, and counter them with "positive/affirmative" statements. But the it has been a losing battle because I don't believe those positive statements are true. I am so physically, mentally, & emotionslly exhausted from years and years of fighting the negative dialong & vicious put downs, and trying to survive in a world where I don't fit in anywhere, and cannot figure out a way to effectively be an adult. I am not sure how much more of my life I can take because it's sucking the life out of me.

@KristenHR I haven't properly engaged with a check in for a while, so a belated response to yesterday's:

What do you think about this statement?

Makes sense. Self compassion (which I prefer to "esteem") is an ongoing, long term, non linear and highly subjective journey.

How are you doing right now?

I'm coping as best I can after having a difficult, restless night.

What would you like to share today?

A cat playing the piano: 🐈 🎹