Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Friday 7th September 2018
Todays check in is in 3 steps:
* What is something you are grateful for?
* Looking at aggressive vs assertive in communicating boundaries and our needs.
* What is something safe/grounding you can do for yourself today?
The sun shinning here in England, it felt like a lovely warm hug as I entered the kitchen to make breakfast this morning. It made me feel grateful for that still and comforting moment in my day.
The aggressive vs assertive topic was raised yesterday by a brilliant post by @nonethewiser and I wanted to expand on it a bit here where we could all reflect and participate.
I dont know about you guys but I know that I didnt have any good examples growing up of how to be assertive about my needs, and I definitely didnt have any help with regulating my emotions. I remember getting very angry once and being punished and then switched to being passive and feeling like my voice was taken away.
There are a couple of things I have learnt about assertive vs aggressive or passive boundaries and communication that have helped me feel heard and enable me (and some of the other mes) to get the things they need to feel better.
* I cant be assertive when Im triggered, the overwhelm of emotions is so intense that I my inner experience scares me. I cant be objective and balance the emotional and the logical minds to access my wise mind. (A fancy way I saying I cant engage the left and right side of the brain to get my most healthy balanced problem solving.
* When Im aggressive I chase people away, usually when I need them to love me the most.
* When Im passive I feel like Im betraying my sense of self, my values and my needs.
* When I am assertive I feel like I am safe because I have reflected my identity to others and asked for what I need and on really good days, without anxiety and I feel confident. Even if it doesn't work out with the other person I can still hold onto my inner sense of security.
I have a couple of video links for you if this is something that you want to know a bit more about. The first one is about distress tolerance, it is a DBT technique used for Borderline Personality Disorder but at its core DBT is about how we regulate our internal experience to get the best out of our selves and relationships with others. Something that trauma survivors very much need too! https://youtu.be/QLJrEDN6nvU
The second link is more about words or phrases that are assertive rather than aggressive or passive. I love me some practical examples, something I can grab hold of a try out is always less taxing on the brain in the moment as Ive done the pre-thinking when I was in a better place. https://youtu.be/8yIO1_VQF3c
And if you want a bit more on agressive vs assertive: https://youtu.be/rjfle6_Emgg
I know everyone is at different stages in recovery so if you are not able to process all of this that is ok, I would encourage you to watch the beginning of the first video though as it covers grounding in away that reduces distress and is a helpful is getting unstuck if your inner experience is overwhelming you.
@LifeIsMyCanvas Current taglist
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@melliotm thank you 
What is something you are grateful for? My supportive family and energy to write/ do errands
* What is something safe/grounding you can do for yourself today? Listen to music, and talk.
@Rebekahwriter13
Energy is definately a good thing to have, very much needed!!! What kind of music do you like?
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Most everything with music.. . I have different play lists for different moods
@Rebekahwriter13 It's wonderful you have a supportive family. Have a great rest of your day!
@Rebekahwriter13
Enargy and a supportive family is great.
Any suggestions on the musical front?
Im the least assertive person ever. Im terrible at expressing what i need and want. Being passive and letting whatever happen was just always easier. Why express your needs when they arent met and your feelings when they arent heard? My therapist wants me to start expressing these things more but honestly it just feels like its not something i can do.
@Npepsicola
Is it something that you would like to try?
Lots of little steps maybe?
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Hello lovely,
* What is something you are grateful for?
Im grateful for myself its hard to explain because I guess if it wasnt for me I wouldnt be here and Im so grateful for Sarah and Hayley(they are not family but I consider Hayley as my mom and Sarah as my aunt) they both help me so much more than anyone.
* Looking at aggressive vs assertive in communicating boundaries and our needs.
I dont know what assertive is I know what aggresive is I have horrible anger problem from a lot of things. I mainly take it out on myself though.im guessing Assertive is when you are calm and speak about things. Iam in DBT honestly its so hard. i do it by myself with my therapist. Im kinda doing it myself because my dad sits there but is kinda off in his head. by the way im 16 almost 17 and my name is Hope if you wanted to know.
* What is something safe/grounding you can do for yourself today?
I guess I can use TIPP and maybe journal. I could use self care,
I hope you have a good day and if you dont respond back its alright.
@Hope7879
Hey hope, glad to see you here
I understnad self grattitude, you got through a lot and yes you are still here! I'm really happy that you have friends that you can call family and that treat you well.
I think anger is a big thing, something to be tackled in small steps? bite sized chunks? I've never done DBT therapy but I found a handbook online and I was doing it with my sis in law that has Borderline Personality Disorder and it really helped me understand her and strengthened my personal sense of identity and boundaries but it was a long process. Definately not an easy one though and I'm proud of you that you are keeping going even when it is tough
Self care is always good!!!! Journalling is one of my faves.
I'm trying to respond to everyone here, but I might need a nap soon as I've not had much sleep (not for want of trying lol).
@LifeIsMyCanvas
im not diagnosed with bpd. i believe i do honestly...it has been so awful lately because i have relapsed the other day tbh and it sucked a lot ....my dad found out last night..... my therapist forced me because it was serious even though i dont think it was because i didnt go to the hospital
@Hope7879
Sorry to hear about the relapse, I hope that you are safe now and I'm glad to see you reaching out for support here.
Yeah I read the DBT was used for BPD which is what got me interested in it to help my sis but honestly I think it's supoer helpful for lots of people as it's all about interactions.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
i was on your bio and i read your story i replied i hope you dont care
@Hope7879
Whether you have BPD or not, DBT is helpful. I have PTSD and it has been helping me understand my emotions, thoughts and actions, and be able to talk about them. Then I can problem solve to improve how I handle things and get some control over my symptoms.
I've had a rough time lately too. I hope you find your way to a better place quickly!
@Hope7879
I read your post on that thread, I totally do care and man you have been through so much. Safe hugs if you want them
@LifeIsMyCanvas
*hugs*
Hey Canvas :D :) awesome first checkin, thanks for doing this <3
* What is something you are grateful for?
My kittens... my boyfriend. My sister is still alive. My job hasn't sacked me despite the fact I am repeatedly off ill at the moment. Quite a few things tbh ahah :)
* Looking at aggressive vs assertive in communicating boundaries and our needs.
I honest to god struggle to know the difference. I've tried to be assertive before and been told I am aggressive, I think I am aggressive and I'm told it was just me being assertive. And yet othertimes I try to be assertive and realise I've just yielded and not said my point at all. I frankly am half looking for someone to raise a hand or yell at me if I try to say something I feel someone else might disagree with. I get so scared of saying anything that fight or flight kicks in... which isn't helpful. If I want to be assertive its best you give me a pen and paper ahahhaha otherwise I'll get everything muddled up and I'll probs lose what I was trying too say in the first place.
I'll list a few things I have personally learnt about what assertiveness means :P!
- Assertiveness is not personal, its based around a problem or opinion not a person.
- Assertiveness can be mistaken for aggression in people who are feeling defensive (and they could be feeling defensive for a million different reasons).
- Assertiveness does not compromise the point you are trying to make or minimise it.
- Assertiveness listens to what other people say and is willing to accept other points of views even if it doesn't agree with them.
- Assertiveness can be angry, but it is angry at the problem and passionate for a solution.
- Assertiveness works with other people, not against them (if the other people are willing to listen).
So there you go, you may disagree these are just what I have learned through much trail and error :)
* What is something safe/grounding you can do for yourself today?
Do some work, strange as that sounds. I love my job and I think being able to get some work done and not feel as vunerable will really help grounding me today :3
@Lilibuth12
Oh also final thing I just remembered, your posture or choice of words can make the difference between aggressive and assertive. To be assertive you need to look/sound in control and confident. The same words you could say in an assertive way would be taken as aggression if you held an aggressive stance. I am autistic, so I struggle to show these things on my face/body which is part of the reason i've struggled so much with what the difference is.
@Lilibuth12
Hey Lili, Those are all amazing points, love it!!! Thank you for sharing that with us, I learnt from you too 
Glad you work are so understanding and that you love your job
@Lilibuth12
That sound difficult, but im glad you are able to see where the misunderstanding happens. I think this can be a problem when comunicating in written words as well, as facial expression and emotions dont show, so how we as readers add that can change the message. A way to avoid that might be to add an emojy or add a few words about the feelings or intentions with what you are writing?
Also, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences with assertiveness
@Lilibuth12 - I love those points! I think the general idea that really resonated with me is that assertiveness is about solving the problem, not about the person
@LifeIsMyCanvas
I like this topic. Do you happen to know anything about passive vs assertive? I tend to be passive (rather than aggressive)... well, I suppose I end up being aggressive towards myself rather than towards others.
@singercrystalspirit
I do!, I'm just cooking dinner but after im done I shall hunt down some useful info for you
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Cool thank you!!
@singercrystalspirit
Hey Singer, I
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Thank you so much for this!! I really struggle with this myself. I'm going through it right now with my brand new roommate. It's scary but I'm contemplating moving again even though I just got here, and it's really complicated to figure out what I need to do. I hope this helps me.
@singercrystalspirit
I hope it helps you too hun, let me know if you need any more help/info/practice buddy etc etc...
@LifeIsMyCanvas
Alright ☺️
@LifeIsMyCanvas
hey Canvas *waves*
* What is something you are grateful for?
I'm grateful for having found my love, grateful for having her in my life, for being a part of her life and for learning who I am...
* Looking at aggressive vs assertive in communicating boundaries and our needs.
that's a really good topic and a very difficult one for me, but I think I'm learning... so I looked at the post of Wize you've been mentioning again, one thing on one of the posters posted there jumped at me Assertive - 'persistently positive or confident' or 'politely persistent'... well, yes, I can be like that, definitely, so perhaps I am better at it as I thought... I think for a long time I confused aggressive and assertive, whenever I've been assertive I thought I am aggressive, that I don't have the right to set boundaries or word my needs... but it's really just about how to say it... and when I think of it now, I've never been an aggressive person, I try to understand others opinions and needs, try to respect their boundaries, instead of starting a fight I mostly just walk away... not the best way either perhaps, but I'm working on it, working on telling people how I feel, when I'm hurt and what I need... I try not to judge, well, there are exceptions, let's say I try not to judge before I know the facts or the background of a story...
boundaries, well, another complicated topic for me... took me a lot of time to get it, but yes, I think I'm slowly starting to understand it... it's really like the fence around your property, it's about telling others how far they can go, what is acceptable for myself and what is not... protecting my boundaries often isn't easy, I tend to go the easy way I guess, try to please others to avoid conflict... but I feel, that now that I am starting to get the boundary topic, this is getting harder, cause I actually feel hurt when somebody crosses the line, when someone reacts with passive agressive behaviour for example, when somebody doesn't respect my needs... what helped me getting the whole topic was first of all, well, here... just coming across that word all the time, not knowing what it is, not getting it at all and then suddenly like 'damn it, I want to get that too'... lots of thinking, that's how I solve my stuff, just thinking, making up my mind... and then, secondly, having somebody in my life who actually respects boundaries and cares for me, accepts me like I am, shares the good and the bad with me, that's a huge part of it... it is exhausting to defending boundaries on a daily basis, so seeing that there are people who just respect me for who I am, yes, that helped me lots....
* What is something safe/grounding you can do for yourself today?
something safe I am doing for myself every day is just being with my love, time for me to feel like a human, like a loveable human... and I guess being productive with cleaning and doing homework was like grounding....
Hope you all have a good day
@courteousNorth5140 It's so awesome to hear about your connection and how you found someone who helps you feel grounded and calm. Hope you have a lovely day and weekend!
@Kate
Thank you Kate, you too have a nice weekend
@courteousNorth5140
*waves back* - good to see you today
Love certainly makes like more beautiful and richer. Having a trusted person to let out the bad things inside and recieve their love in return is soooooo healing and amazing.
Assertive - 'persistently positive or confident' or 'politely persistent'... I loved that quote too! I can relate to the walking away, sometimes though that is a valid boundary, like if you are being attacked you move away but I think were is can go wrong is when we do that as a learned defult response to past trauma. Then we can feel hurt for not being heard and frustrated and reaffirm all those icky things the abusers told us 
It's really hard to break out of as often we haven't been shown any examples of healthy assertive communication. We might not even know what boundaries are let alone how to create/maintain and work out if they are healthy. I was encouraged that you said about learing who you are, identity is such a big part of boundaries as they define the edges of all that you are and I can see in your post you understand that
I was really interested in what you said about it getting harder because you feel hurt when people cross your line. Having boundaries is ultimately empowering in the long term as it can help us work out who is safe for us and who isn't. But in that process it can feel quiet vulnerable. It's tempting to be passive so we can say, 'oh they didn't know' or justify something in our inner experience to make it seem less painful. Unfortunately it isn't healthy for us to not be truthful with ourselves in that way because it empowers negative beliefs and stops us being assertive and gettign the love we need.
@LifeIsMyCanvas
thank you for your words Canvas you are right about the walking away, when I walk away from a conflict it's like I'm giving up, it's frustrating and it hurts me, it brings back the trauma, takes me back to the time I haven't been allowed to speak... so yes, it gives me the feeling of 'oh yes, of course, that's how it is'... that happens, and I think that always will happen, cause as much as we all work on us, for myself I accepted that I can't 'get over' my trauma, I can just learn to live with it... I'm trying to reflect my reactions a lot, try to understand why I'm reacting that way and I'm trying to do the same with others reactions, trying to see through it...
and yes, the boundary thing, I think I've often had excuses for others too quickly when they crossed the line, cause somehow I always felt like I'm not allowed to even set a line, to say no, to say I need sth... but, I'm learning it's all just a matter of training and only works when there are people around who respect the boundaries.... the more often it works, the more confident I get...
have a nice weekend, Canvas
@courteousNorth5140
I love hearing about your love, how she makes you feel safe and like a human, makes the world seem a bit less sad and hurt. <3
@LoveFromSara
Thank you Sara yes you are absolutely right, love just makes the world a better place, not only the personal, private, romantic love... love in general... yes, I'm all about love and peace lol
@LifeIsMyCanvas great post canvas and @Melliotm ty for adding me to taglist
@CaringBrit
Thank you, first check in post for me! I was a little nervous. I wanted to make something helpful but not too stressful!!!
@LifeIsMyCanvas
canvas are my posts bad? i feel like everyone hates me bc i dont agree with them :( can you help me mke my posts better?
@purpleHeart16 Your posts aren't bad at all!
@purpleHeart16 - I don't think your posts are bad, and I promise that even if we don't agree on something, it will never make me hate you. I disagree on lots of things with some of the people I respect most, but I think sharing our views and talking through them together is part of what helps us both grow and learn.
If you do ever want an extra set of eyes on something before you post, though, I'm always happy to take a look :)
@purpleHeart16
I wanted to comment yesterday but my phone's app was playing up!!! But just wanted to say that I have certainly seen nothing.wrong with any of your posts! You may have different views from me on some things but that's a great thing to have :) we want this community to work for as many people as we can so having people willing to speak up is super important :).
I look forward to seeing more posts from you :D :) and I hope all these reassurances helped! :)
@Lilibuth12
thank you lili
ived decided what ill be best for be is o focus on these new checkins ad not the olde threads discussing the confict. i think in that way i wont acidentally upset anyone else inluding myself and vna contribute to the future
Hry
@gentlePenguin8499
hey
@gentlePenguin8499 Hello Penguin!