Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in: Monday, 1st July 2019
Good morning everyone and I hope most of us had better weekend than the last.
I am here today and quite honestly, I don't know what to say. You know when you're so broke inside and can't ride the waves anymore? Everything that you've done out of habit like walking the dogs, making coffee and brushing your hair becomes like a huge storm of obligation and you become so scared. This little friend called Trauma is such annoying little creatures that comes and goes in different form throughout our lives. It's almost like everytime we yell at the world " I am happy!" our dark little shadows overcast the happiness with a little smirk on their face. Have any of you guys have made friend with the trauma? I am so numb at some point in life that sometimes I can't help it to say *fu** you and I am not in the mood for you".
Has your trauma ever spoke back to you? If you can tell your little shadow friend, what is it?
@Avaray @KLM3278 @Morfo66 @Jenna0903 @melliotm @HearingYourHeart @AMusicalSilence @energeticPenny8 @Rebekahwriter13 @sensitiveShade5337 @singercrystalspirit @Zombii @resourcefulPond1641 @Lilibuth12 @Hoxenos @Christine1980 @TheHoneyDoll @silverIceCream21 @Bumblebee16 @orchard9786 @Calmlake1999 @emotionalMaple9419 @MoreThanAConqueror18 @Redhawk6547 @Shayc1 @stella17 @blinkk @Compassion21 @FangsInsanity @brokenflutterby @No715 @dynamicHemlock1736 @humorousBeing8966 @NancySV1 @ArianaMay @affectionateNorth4018 @FloweringBunny @loyalDrum2337 @InvaderStitch @redmark @CaringBrit @Ambrosia @practicalIdeal2007 @incompl @Ayla @rmickelpclr @ReallyRuth @friendlyLake5949 @CatCrazy0430 @sympatheticPrune2000 @WoodViolet @childrenofbugs @Jackie @Ayle @NevaehRose @Quietone8717 @MrStressball @Zeraphim @NkkMckenze @glossyboy @cranberrypineapples @Nobadmojo @Krispykitty12 @Wilde1 @purpleButterfly24 @limegreenTown8201 @dynamicwinter60 @SpencerAnn @yellowStrings2432 @convivialBike7388 @nonethewiser @Sunnyprayers @Marguritep7982 @admaiorasemper @Bayoli @jkwon @tidyDime1168 @Fallenwarrior1996 @ItsReganingRain @sazzysnail @Norn @HopeNChayil @Purplebutterfly67 @LightsOnForever @Lunargelt @jaceab123 @mytwistedsoul @Steadyhands07 @plumApricot8108
@Jackie
Hi
@sensitiveShade5337
hello there. Thank you for checking in. Hope you're having a decent day!
@Jackie
Thanks, i dont do tho but its fine
Hope you are having a nice day!
@sensitiveShade5337
hi there!
@Jackie
I made walls
idk how to get out of being stuck
@conscientiousPineapple1782
I have walls too. I managed to build a small crawl hole. I think we all build out walls from outside to inside. We trap ourselves and realize that we are "stuck". When you're lost and stuck just be glad you still have memory of what home feels like. We are not stuck until we forget that we are stuck in the first place. instead of breaking that wall, I suggest you dig a small hole for youself. Come out when you want to, go back in when you want to. Place that you built doesn't have to be a place of feeling stuck. It can very much become your safe place as well. I hope that you feel safe and at home soon. Have a better today and I am glad you're here sharing how you feel today.
I mess up on important form and filled out the wrong number and now we may not got housing and all of my fault. I want to go to bed and not wake up.
@Rebekahwriter13
Hi Rebekah. I am sorry there is so much self blame. I really hate self blame because I've done it for so long that I.... feel like everything I do is wrong and it's all my fault. When someone deeply hurt me, I started to doubt my ability to have stopped all of it before it became so bad. I ended up apologizing to the one who hurt me. I told him that I failed because I didn't ask. I failed because I didn't know his struggles.... see how I use self blame to torture myself? even when it doesn't fit. I just blame myself because it's the easiest. It wasn't like this before. It started from very small items. I hope that you don't get in a habit of self blaming so much. I don't wish this upon anyone. I know it's easier said than done, but try to forgive yourself and give yourself some slack. I hope that things end up working out for you and I want to let you know that you didn't mess up. It happens because we are human. That's all.
@Jackie I am the worst on myself. I'm always in pain and I feel most do not understand
Rough day for you. Sorry. Sending safe hugs if you want them.
Hard to describe the way I feel right now. Not good but not excruciatingly terrible either. So many not good feelings inside. So tired of it tired so tired of fighting so hard and working to build up things and people and places it seems safe and then sometimes it all just kind of crashes down on you again. I know Im in a melancholy mood and thats affecting my perspective. So sad right now. I didnt have the ability to feel that emotion for years. It just started coming back today. Yes, I get that its probably healthy and part of the healing process to be able to experience more emotions. But it hurts. Ouch.
@pioneeringBanana1598
hi Banana. Thank you for checkin in with me.
I've heard few important people in my life tell me, " we forget pain to survive. Its human self protecting mechanism". I wondered if this was true for a very long time. Especially when all my old scars reopened and I had only tears to speak my emotions. But more recently, I connected my fear to pain. I couldn't feel pain. I only felt fear. I know it makes no sense but I just could not match any pain to how I was feeling. Perhaps only my heart remembers what use to make me fearful. But I no longer have the same pain as the first time I feared. Perhaps trauma isn't what we remember but the residue of our hurt soul. It's okay to feel the wave of emotions at times. I always thank myself for reminding me where my safe place is. It reminds me not to go there. I want to hope that what you feel is just a reminder and nothing more. Hope you have a better day and thank you for sharing how you feel.
@Jackie
1. I was here.
2. Thank you for making this for today.
3. It has been a really strange sort of day for me. The kind of day (well, few hours in the middle of the day) that I would so rather NOT repeat any time in the near future. 
Platy
@Jackie
1. I was here.
2. Thank you for making this for today.
3. It has been a really strange sort of day for me. The kind of day (well, few hours in the middle of the day) that I would so rather NOT repeat any time in the near future. Platy
@Jackie
1. I was here.
2. Thank you for making this for today.
3. It has been a really strange sort of day for me. The kind of day (well, few hours in the middle of the day) that I would so rather NOT repeat any time in the near future. Platy
@Jackie
1. I was here.
2. Thank you for making this for today.
3. It has been a really strange sort of day for me. The kind of day (well, few hours in the middle of the day) that I would so rather NOT repeat any time in the near future. Platy
@cyanPlatypus6370
Hi Platypus. Thank you for checking in. You remined me that I am NOT alone. I have alot of days I just don't want to repeat. But I repeat anyways and it really sucks. Putting my mind to it doesn't work and I don't know how to have different kind of days. Do you want to share how you plan on having a different type of day? If so, I would love to hear what your plans are. I can always use to tips to create a better day. Thank you for sharing and hope you have that different type of day soon.
Thank you, @Jackie for your kind reply. I have no idea why 7cups or my laptop decided to post that 4 times! 
(speaking to the internet-www: "Not necessary!") Anyway, yes I have some ideas I think. For me on Monday, it wasn't a horrible day the entire thing, but I was really thrown off early-mid afternoon and I felt as though I had no outlet for the intense emotion I was trying to deal with. Anyway ... it is late again now. MUST go outside with my lovely canine who is being very very patient (x x x x x - kisses for my K9). So this K9 unit is going out - G'night Y'all! <3 Platy
Hi, Jackie, it sounds like you got caught in an emotional flashback. It happens to me frequently. What I normally do is not try to "tell" them anything, but to listen and be curious, as what they are telling me is that something doesn't feel safe, and that I need to do things to change that.
So first I ask: what does this remind me of? If I can't link that general question to a specific memory after mulling over it for a while, then I explicitly remind MYSELF that I'm safe: I look at my room/surroundings, jewelry, and state to myself THIS is not THAT. I am in my home, in my car, or whatever as a 35 year old mother and nothing can harm me now. Then I try to show myself that I can care for myself by doing whatever small thing FEELS safe. It could be lying under the covers and being aware that I'm doing so purposefully, eating something (I keep shakes and ramen around for the times I can't manage to feed, myself), take a shower, color, dig around my plants, or do anything else that uses my senses. WHEN I can remember to do so. ❤️
@ShiningPanda13
Hi Panda, I am a 32 year old mother and I love Pandas. 
Funny how I taught people how to be mindful and to practice grounding for so long. But I never thought about doing it myself because I am an idiot. Or maybe I have done it so much that I now know how to manage to feel like poop and still go on to practice grounding. I don't know. Whatever it is, I am having hard time feeling the need of control. Especially when what it hurt me was my partner's doing as he lacked and yearned control. I don't want to feel control because it currently reminds me how much hurt he caused in my life due to control. I am trying to just ride the wave and making sure I have other means to keep my mind at ease. I've been posting here more and giving and recieving support. Thank you for checkin in and a great suggestion. I will give it a go again today. Have a good day Panda
@Jackie thanks, I love the name, too... It was auto-assigned to me so I lucked out that it brings me joy. :D
I can see how it is quite a conundrum to know exactly what may have triggered it and to even fear your own response. I can't imagine that, but I do know what it's like to be triggered and feel completely helpless and feel that I am not in fact in control or able to find my way out.
There is a therapy called Family Systems Therapy that is fascinating to me because it recognizes that as we grow throughout our lives, different parts of us do remain true to ourselves and others remain "stuck." I don't know about you but I do still have minor temper tantrums but I'm good at keeping them private lol. It's clearly irrational and unproductive behavior that I recognize in my son. When he has a tantrum, I walk him through the emotion and what his options are. I have to remain emotionally regulated myself so that he can see that it's no travesty but something manageable and his big feelings are not cause for concern themselves. I also have to do this for myself when I don't get what I want! Or I outsource it to my best friend or husband lol.
The neat thing about FST is it puts your various parts of yourself in context of what issues they were dealing with - - what they were created for. As a daughter you do daughter things that made sense for you that you learned did not make sense as a student or mentee...yet some still do. Etc. It might be interesting to you.
I feel like my trauma is very sneaky. I'm an upbeat, positive person, but there are slithery, slimy ways that my trauma affects me, and I often don't notice until it's too late, and I'm breaking down. One of the things I have to work the hardest at is my ability to identify the little things that set me off, so that I don't pop! Because of this, though, I feel like my trauma whispers to me.
If I could talk to my trauma imp, I would tell it that I love it, because, although I don't want it to be this way, I know that it is me. It is not seperate from me, it is simply a part of me that I need to pay some extra attention to, so that it will heal like any wound. I should not be ashamed of it, nor should I ignore it, nor should I attack it, because that would be, ultimately, damaging to myself. So, I would tell that part of me that I love her, because she's hurting, and yet she's still kickin'.
@betterchoices
awwww... I love that. My trauma is my friend and she does remind me what hurts me, so I can avoid. I get it now. I will try today to love her and tell her she's a an amazing reminder of what couldn't break me. Have you heard of this song before? I don't know why but I thought about it as I read your feelings. Thank you again for the reminder and checking in. Much appreciated your input.
For you- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53GIADHxVzM