Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Checkin - Monday 28th August 2017

I decided today's checkin would be on a topic that's important even if uncomfortable for Trauma Survivors. Recovery isn't easy and sometimes that means having to look at issues or situations which momentarily could arouse a whole host of feelings that we find difficult but sometimes the things we need to do, are not always easy but we have already been through the worst.

For trauma Survivors it is so hard following traumatic experiences to let someone in, to take that risk to trust, and to open up to someone about what is going on for you. It takes a lot of courage, and some people take their time to find the right person for them. For others the inner child is so starved of attention or care, that they are so desperate for that first person to show them someone cares, perhaps seeking it from anyone. All trauma survivors are different. Most Trauma Survivors want to feel safe, and want to feel cared about and the one thing that is needed in recovery is consistency, reliabilty and feeling safe. It is often totally understandable why some of you may crave the attention or support of one person who has been there for you and you do deserve this, as we all have needs, one of them to feel cared for, but this can at times, place a huge burden on those in the caring or support position, even friends or family members because they like you, have their own issues or problems in life. That's not said to place blame or make anyone feel bad for you have nothing to feel bad about and your needs are valid, but sometimes when we are so desperate for support from others, we can forget that those offering support have needs too. For those who can see your pain, your fears, and who have walked side by side with you, supporting someone you know is deeply hurt and afraid of rejection and takes any kind of action as negative or against them in some way, can sometimes make people give more than they are emotionally able to give, and it can lead to burn out. Even counsellors and therapists have supervision to ensure they are okay. If someone you have turned to is also a trauma survivor, that in itself can sometimes if that person isnt healed enough raise issues for that person that they also need time to address. For some, their own unhealed past hurts begin to haunt them and at that point they need to also take care of themselves and get the support they need.

At cups this can happen to some listeners, and if they do leave, or if they have a change of personal circumstance, sometimes that could mean someone not being as available, if at all, to some members as they once were. That doesnt mean people have stopped caring, it just means their circumstances have changed where they need to take care of themselves. Sometimes when this happens, lots of hurt and rejection feelings kick in, instead of us being able to hold onto all the good that person brought to our lives and that good also exists in other people too.

Cups is a great place with lots of listeners here giving their time to try and support others. The problem is, it is voluntary and people come at all stages of their lives. Some are students, some are those who are battling their own mental health issues, some are qualified professionals of all kinds, some with families, some with health issues or disabled relatives they need to care for. In other words, they have a life outside of cups. For some members, who perhaps have limited support, or who perhaps have decided to seek support for the first time, have managed to buid a rapport, and a good one, it can be devastating when the listener is no longer able to be there for them and lots of old trauma feelings can be evoked as a result of a present day situation, which taps into lots of hurts and fears from Trauma time. When those feelings erupt, it can be forgotten sometimes especially when we are in our own crisis, that perhaps the person who has supported you for weeks or months, now needs time for themselves. Some of you understand this well but for others of you because of your histories, your fears and anxieties mean you don't find this change easy to make, and for most people, change is something many have trouble with. Some of you may see someone going as abandonment, hurt and rejection, even when that person has given so much of their time to support you because they care and perhaps more importantly because other people in your past, have left you feeling all this feelings which get triggered in present day situations.

You all deserve that one person that cares about you, you all deserve the support to help you through the trauma you have gone through. Some of you are lucky to have good therapists, or friends, or family. A support system is anything that benefits you and its always good to have different sources of support and to utilize these when needed especially as people go on holiday, or they make be sick causing some Survivors to panic and begin to fear they will not cope or fall apart. Whilst its always good to stick with someone you trust, by limiting your support networks, you actually could miss out on lots of positive interactions with others. But at the same time as building your support system its important to take onboard that life cant be predicted and the person you trust may be there for years, or they may be there for a short time. But that time could lead to a lot of steps forward. If that person for whatever reason leaves, of course initially that will hurt but people will come and go in your life, and part of healing is about learning to cope with changes which isnt easy for trauma survivors who want so much to feel safe and to have something consistent and reliable. The important part of healing is learning to self soothe and to feel safe with ourselves.

So what do you feel you need from your support system? Do you feel you limit your support and rely on just one or a few people or are you someone who takes support where you can get it? What do you feel are the positives of limiting your support networks and what are the disadvantages to you personally? In your healing journey have you made changes to your support networks? Have they increased or decreased? When you seek support for the first time, what are you expectations and are they realistic?

This is a safe place to share whats going on for you, the good, the bad the inbetween. Healing is tough work and support is here for you if you need it. The trauma community has great listeners and great members who have shown what community means when they reach out to others despite their own issues. There is a lot of love and care in this community.

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