Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Monday 4th December 2017

@Hoxenos

Hey! I feel a lot better today no idea why :)

I dont want to talk about my parents because there are things that hurt me so I wouldnt like to open those memories and answer your questons. I hope you understand..

@Hoxenos Great post Hox and I share your sentiments and thoughts on parents. To me there are two kinds of parents, blood or birth parents where there is purely a genetic link but says nothing about parenting in the sense that anyone can have a child but who maybe doesnt have the parenting ability or skills, let alone the emotions and feelings parents should have. And then there are the parents whether blood or not, who protect, love, keep safe, their child, allowing them to develop into a wonderful human being who is allowed to make their choices, make their mistakes, but are still loved. To often we hear of how children should respect their parents and of how you only have one set of parents but what about if that parent or parents have done nothing to earn the childs respect. Children should not be expected to show respect when they may have been treated abismally by parents.

I am someone who when asked about 'birth family say I have none because I left my family behind for the sake of my own sanity and safety. To me I have people in my life now that I consider family, even if they are not blood related and have done far more for me in my life, than my own parents did. Does it make me sad around holidays, of course, because I think there will always be that part of me that wishes my own family were like those I now have in my life. but equally I count myself as blessed to have the people in my life I have now. People often say you cant choose your family but I happen to believe different. Perhaps people need to consider what family is about, what it means, what it encompasses instead of thinking of family as just blood related. Just my thoughts for you And though Christmas is much over hyped I will spend some quality time with those who I love and trust and who I consider my family and who have a special piece of my heart that not many people get to have

Hello

Thanks for tagging. I am still very sick with this cold that is not getting better. No sleep for coughing. Nothing seems to be helping.

My family knows I have a weak immune system and I can not be around them when they are sick. But they keep exposing me to there junk. All of them are well now and I am struggling. I am going to get me a room at the hotel next time someone gets sick.

My mother has schizoid affective disorder. She was detatched, neglectful, paranoid, critical, abusive, psychotic, etc. My Bio Father abandoned me and my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me. my step/adopted father began raping me at age 2, was a drug addict/ alcoholic, beat me, and my mother, and brother, and threatened to kill us if we ever told or tried to leave. My mother's mother is schizophrenic and her father was an alcoholic, and ritualistically abused me. I had ZERO frame of reference for what a normal parent should be before having children.

Then I became a mother. The extreme depths of pain I have experienced in my life has been matched in contrast with great joy as a mother. Somehow (i credit my God given ability to dissociate all the horror of my childhood and his enduring image in me despite what was done to me) I was able to embrace motherhood and thrive in it. I loved being pregnant and I love training and encouraging my 5 children. I now serve as a childbirth educator and birth doula helping people become parents and I love the opportunity to help them learn how to make healthy wise decisions for themselves and their children. I teach ways to prevent abuse and trauma in the home. I am studying to be a marriage, family, and individual therapist in hopes of helping parents and families both heal from trauma and prevent it.

So the word parents has had a lot of sting to it for me. But it has also brought a lot of JOY and im hoping i can help other families enjoy something similar.

also as a christian I enjoy knowing God is not only my heavenly father but he is a different kind of father than any earthly father. I used to really struggle in this area. I knew he was real and in control and always present but in relation to my abuse i felt like that wasnt exactly comforting. how could he be there and not stop it from happening. As i have grown in my faith I have understood more and more that God is not like the abusive parents I had. He is not only with me He is for me. He sees a much bigger picture than I do. He cares about what happened to me and he is using it for good things. I may not understand it completely but i am starting to see how he can transform my tragedies into beauty.

I read the title of this thread, felt immediately sick.. didn't dare to read the rest of the description even though a few words hit my eyes by accident. I have scrolled straight to the bottom to post this without reading anyone else's posts (sorry). But it is bedtime here and I don't want nightmares. Which I easily get from thinking about parents. Ugh. I get scared to even think of it this time of night. Made me wish I didn't log in. But I thought I would get it off my chest and say goodnight x

Parents. ParentsParentsParents. Hm. Well, interesting subject. Everyone wants to make check ins difficult now huh? 😋

Momma,

I love you with everything I have. I literally cannot imagine my life without you, and that makes me grateful we are so close in age. You are my best friend. I would do anything for you, and you would do anything for me...now. But, what about when I was younger? You always took my dads side. Youve said the way I was raised is your biggest regret, and I really do believe you when you say that, but was it not painfully obvious how badly I was hurting at the time? Your young daughter was covered in self inflicted wounds to show the hidden ones no one believed existed...but you still never believed me. You thought it was me. I know you were young and naïve, but I also know youre smarter than that. It wasnt me Momma. I was doing the best I could, but my own father was destroying me daily...and you really thought that I was okay because I fought back? Really?? Thats not even the worst part though. The part that hurts more than anything else is that you threw me away. You seemed shocked when I said that to you a few years ago, like you didnt understand how I could have seen it that way. But thats exactly what you did. Your daughter was crying out and trying to get someone, ANYONE to listen...but you guys kicked me out. Youll never know what I went through after that. I couldnt bear to put that on you. But part of me does blame you and my dad. I dont know if that will ever change. You took that stupid social workers word over mine. You sat there crying. I know it was a tough decision for you, but it isnt one you had to make. I was going away to school in the fall if you wouldve just let me. Instead...you forever altered the course of my life. You kicked me out, and made sure my entire family wouldnt let me stay with them. I got $300 for turning 18 and graduating high school...and then I had to use most of it for a one way plane ticket to stay with the only person who had a room for me. Do you have any idea what happened to me after that? I think you might. Ive seen it on your face. Ill never tell you, but I think you do have some idea. You didnt mean for that to become my life, but you made the decision that ensured it would. You placed me in a lose-lose situation. There was nothing I could do. You threw me away, and then everyone just basically acted like those years I spent in Florida never happened. I dont have that luxury. Those years will be with me for the rest of my life. They changed everything. Literally everything. Rape is one thing, but I learned quickly that sexual abuse is the worst. I wouldve gone back home and dealt with my dad at any moment if it meant only being physically and psychologically abused instead. But you threw me away and, in doing so, you sent me to my abusers. You sent your broken daughter into the hands of people who destroyed what little was left of me. I love you Momma. I really, truly do. I will continue to spend as much time as possible with you, because I love spending time with you and the rest of my family. But, you completely destroyed your own daughter, and I can never forgive you for that.

Dear man who I call something I cant say here,

Why? How? I genuinely, even after all this time and literally studying this, do not understand. I dont understand how you could treat your own daughter the way that you did. I dont understand how you could raise your son to laugh as you hurt me. I dont understand why I was never good enough. I tried so hard, but I was never good enough. You constantly tore me down with your lies as you built yourself up with the same. I killed that standardized test, and you said I couldve done better. I killed it in my art classes, but you couldnt have cared less. Im short. Im fat. Im ugly. Im stupid. Im worthless. Im useless. Ill never do anything with my life. Im irresponsible. Im lazy. I cant do anything right. Im clumsy. Im messy. I could go on and on for days. You drilled those things into my head on a daily basis. Youd scream them at me as you threw me around. Or youd laugh as you taught my little brother to see me that way, to treat me that way. I got rid of you. You were out of my life. I hadnt talked to you in I think 2 or 3 years? But then I got just the worst possible news: Your wife was pregnant. With twins, no less! I hoped it was two of the same gender. Its harder to play the boy against the girl when you only have two girls or two boys. But it was one of each. Theyre only 2yrs old now, but Ive already seen it. Ive seen the same hatred in your eyes that used to be directed at me. Shes only 2. You only have both of your daughters in your life because Im not afraid of you anymore. Neither of us asked to be born, but I promise you this: If you ever lay a hand on my baby sister, I will fight you in court. You will not treat her the way you treated me. You will not ruin another child, as you create another decimated adult. You. Will. Not. Hurt. Her. I refuse to watch you play them off each other like you did to me and my little brother when we were growing up. When Momma was my age, she had an 11yr old and a 6yr old. I am more than old enough to be a mother to your 2yr olds and, if nothing else, I will show that little girl that someone believes her and is willing to fight for her. Because I will fight for her. I will do whatever I can to protect her. You dont stand a snowballs chance in hell of hurting her the way you hurt me. Try me. I dare you.

@Hoxenos this post was exactly what has been on my mind last few days .. i can never see myself sitting down with my parents ..

Even if I remotely disagree or state my opinion I'm told I'm being v hurtful and rude and my mom, I just end up feeling guilty and leave it.

I've drawn lines , some times even tho words are not said i see the dissapproval , and made to feel im not including her in our family lives .

If I ever told her about the past she'd over react and then blame herself .

So for now I can't talk to them.