Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Thursday 12th April 2018
Hello lovely "trauma fam"
Just thinking its time we heard from Winnie the Pooh so something from Piglet today : "The things that make me different are the things that make me."
We began talking about fences and boundaries last week,so here is the sequel.A boundary is a limit or space between you and the other person, a clear place where you begin and they end. We agreed that setting boundaries and limits is important,but not easy, and especially at first. Its pretty disheartening when the boundaries we are trying to put in are ignored and yet again we seem to be trampled on So what can be helpful? Healthy boundaries serve to establish one's identity. The first step then is look at one's values and personal beliefs,to determine what you cherish, and how you want to be treated. It can be like creating a personal bill of rights and can be empowering..Secondly to let the other person know by setting limits which let them know how you want to be treated, how far they can go. Its about finding your voice and using it, frimly and clearly. If you have to say no to something, make it simple and firm, without having to give explanations. A friend told me recently that when she said, "No, I do not do translations." she was pleasantly surprised to find this was respected. And that's what often happens.... when we put in clear boundaries they are respected, we are respected. But not by everyone, and some may not like this new behaviour and resist or resent it.
And just as we expect others will respect our boundaries. we need to respect other people's boundaries even if they are different to ours. That makes for healthy relationships and honest communication avoids crossing boundaries. As Piglet said its the difference that makes me
How is your day going? What do you find helpful in setting boundaries? Or pop in to say hi! Love to hear from you. This is your space and a safe place. x
@rozie
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@melliotm
Hi melliooo
@melliotm
Hey Mellio :) Was thinking of you yesterday. Hope you're OK. 
I think my boundaries now are too rigid but I'm fine with it.I just don't push myself to get back at socializing and trusting if I really don't feel like doing so. I'm at a place currently where I'm still too fragile in relationship with myself let alone with others.So the gate has been closed for 2,5 years and sometimes I do open them but with great caution and I'm really picky because deep down I still try to restore that courage to put myself out there after all that happened.It's great to see that I slowly start to open up to experiments and trying things out, being around people withour direct interaction is how I slowly start to integrate myself back.Just going out on my own, doing things on my own where there are people around willingly.Facing that fear and slowly overcoming it.Before I would do all to not be around people even if it's indirectly so it's huge progress for me which I'm very proud of.
Last weeks have been tough to be honest.Destruction of myself returned and somehow I lost the sight of who I'm and fell back into unhealthy patterns.Crawled out of it all just recently and still recovering but this all...taught me so much about how much I hate falling back which means it's not my second skin anymore.And that to me gives hope and encouragement that I do change relationship with myself and the way my thinking is.The forgiveness part is the hardest one for me.Seeing all the aftermath, having those honest to the bone conversations with myself about what happened and why and what it did to me.Facing the reality of how damaging I can still be to myself is scary, yet I take the responsibility in a way like never before.It's mix of maturity, compassion, love and giving my all to not punish myself for making mistakes when I struggle.Just stopping the spiraling down takes all but it feels like I managed to stop it and realized that I want so much better for myself than this.Shame is something I struggle with the most but even that one I admit and talk trough which is really mind blowing to me.
To heal and get some much needed breaks, strength I go out a lot more lately and spend time by the nature all by myself.It helps me to restore peace and grounds like nothing else.Spring is all around and it's just like living in some fairytale land overall that belongs to me only.This place is such a blessing and I'm forever grateful for having such place to live at and mend my soul, mind, body.Above all-love still wins.No matter how much I fall and struggle, I always return back to it.And I know-someday I'll stay to choosing love forever and even a thought of going back to old ways will not be an option for me anymore.It just takes time-as all does.
@Morfo66
Thank you so much for sharing ! ❤️ I can really see the hope in your words and it's encouraging! I never realized that the fact that I hate my old patterns means that It's not a 'second' skin, as you put it. That really spoke to me and me. Right now in my life, I needed to see that! Thank you so much
@sensibleDime5187
glad it helped to you!:) take care!
hey hey <3 :P
i am doing good today, its very sunny here:)
whats helps me to set boundaries? well, mostly the thought of not wanting to experience the same bad things as in the past and wanting to have a voice.
how are you rozie? wish you a lovely day <3
@rozie Not really sure who Winnie the pooh is but blah. Kind of being told off for not eating which.. I know is not... ok I am not sure if it was a trauma thing or not. Not even sure what is happening. Kind of crying so I am going to go hide under my bed... so yes
@rozie Hello. The day is beautiful, and I am feeling great.
@FangsInsanity glad to hear that <3 best wishes
@Hope3729 Thank you.
@rozie
Rozie! Hello! *waves*
Wow, Winne the Pooh's got some serious wisdom in it. O_O; That's a pretty wicked quote from little Piglet.
Boundaries have always been a struggle for me. 'specially since I grew up in a childhood where I wasn't taught healthy anything. Instead, fear, guilt, shame and such things were used to control or manipulate. Later on, in teenage and adult life I still didn't know much about them. Not until recently. That it's totally okay to be different and have different wants/needs that may strike others as inconvenient to tolerate. But that's on them. At the same time, having reasonable boundaries is important, as well. You can't just demand to be called "Your Majesty" or be entitled everywhere you go.lol Figuring out whats reasonable has also been something I ponder quite a bit... due to others convincing me the unreasonable was completely and utterly reasonable.
Stating boundaries, holding them. Is where I am really challenged lately. Fear of confrontation makes things difficult. Throw in dealing with someone openly manipulative and conniving. A difficult time.
@CaloenasNicobarica
"waves back"
Agree its not easy when you haven't been able to learn about boundaries as a child... and then as you say its about deciding what's reasonable or unreasonable, and this can be a struggle.. Its about who you are (your identity) and what's okay for you..and that's different for each of us... and respecting this. Good to have you here with us.! x
@rozie
It took ages to especially learn the last part. Respecting boundaries. Honestly respecting them, not out of fear or tyranny. I feel like with abusers the "boundaries" there were pretty much like dealing with a chaotic Divine Mandate or something. Whereas respecting boundaries, is acknowledging the boundary actively. While you can set boundaries with abusive or toxic people and you need to depending on safety and all that... In a healthy or somewhat healthy place it's listening to the boundary, acknowledging it by hearing it and then actively remembering to keep it in mind and not violate said boundary. Pretty much like you wouldn't trespass on a someone's property. ...anyway, I believe it is that! Could be wrong, I still have a TON of work on this subject.
I'm glad to be back to the check-ins. You and the other peeps on here gave me a lot to think about. They really helped me a lot.
Today wasn't a bad day all things considered based on what they normally look like.
But wow tonight, I don't know what happened. I feel totally disconnected from everything. I feel weak like it would take unbelievable effort to move and I almost feel part of me wishes I could cry but I'm just totally blank.