Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Thursday 12th October 2017
Good morning to you all!
And to begin with, a quote for that loveable bear, Winnie the Pooh who says : "Some people care too much. I think it's called love."
And to follow, a brief reflection on how those who care and love us can best support us, and take care of themselves too. They can be very unsure and equally so can we. What would we ask them for? What if they want to "fix'it for us? What if it all becomes too much for them? Wondering if it can be summarized in one word... Empathy.... "I feel with you." Empathy moves us to share another's pain and to see the world through their eyes. Empathy allows us to trust. Empathy helps us to understand how or why someone is reacting to a situation as they are.It connects, it is the link between self and others. It cares, and if we are valued and cared for, we learn to feel good about ourselves.Empathy is contagious! And in being understood, we can also understand. It may not be the easiest to be around us at times... so some space may be a good thing. Empathy can make such a difference, and this is apparent each day here in our wonderful community.
How is your day going? Can you remember the last time someone showed you emopathy? How did you feel? Or pop in to say hi! Love to hear from you. This is your space and a safe place, x
Good morning everyone. It is midday here and I am sitting in my house, my old house, my ex's house, my hopefully future house. We broke up about six months ago, his decision, but due to both of us being ill. We hope to get back together. But I don't want to be apart. After the breakup I nearly lost my mind and that is a long story with a stay in a psychiatric hospital. But I am doing way better right now. He seems to be getting worse and worse. He is so tired, low and in pain all the time. So he is in no state to start our relationship again right now. So I am being the best friend I know how. I come around usually once or twice a week and sometimes more to do the cleaning and DIY jobs that need doing because he cannot. Mostly this gives me a really good energy and mood boost because I love him so much and I am so pleased to be back in his life. But today was a really slow start. I came over later than planned because I felt like I was getting a cold and I was exhausted because I haven't slept good in a while. But I started feeling physically much better after an hour or two chilling in bed, so I came over. Today I am working on the window frames outside because they need some work and repainting for the winter comes and this is one of the last sunny days I will have to do it. I need to move the scaffold and do a lot of sanding and filling before I do the first coat of paint. I have everything ready to take outside, my workclothes are on.. and I just couldn't stop myself from crying. So I took a break to type this in the hopes that I can pull myself together before he comes home from work. His boss has put him on half days because he isn't doing well. He is a very caring man, but he can't cope with what he is going through if I am sitting here crying when he comes in. He always comes back broken. And I want to do this work. If I am going to move back in here one day, I don't want the house to look different because someone else came and did all the work. I want to be there for him. In my heart I am still his partner and I don't want it anything other way. It just seems to hurt extra today. I miss my life here. I wanna go home to live, not just to visit.
So yeah, empathy.. when I think of him I can get through anything. Because he is also really hurting and struggling. I am going to do my best to care for him. He is my whole heart.
@Kuma0187 i am so sorry to hear what u are going thru. I can only imagine how hard life is right now and holding on to hope that 1 day u will both be back together happy in that house seems to be helping.
I have nothing to offer to help but i wantes to post in the hope it would help. You yourself said u have come so far and sound to be doing great with the healing of urself.
Yes today is hard and some dayd will be but i have every faith u will pull thru because u sound so strong and such a lovely person to help the man u love even with all your own troubles.
Hang in there big hugs xx
@rozie
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Brain is not functioning at optimal capacity yet, so bear with me. 😂 Cold and damp out today. Feeling slightly "off" again even after mindful breathing and meditation this morning, but even though there are twinges of dread, I'm trying my best to be patient and remain present. Is still early -- lots of time for this moment to pass. No nightmares that I can recall, for which I'm grateful (woke up triggered yesterday by an unsettling sleep). Just wish I could warm up 😬😬😬
@melliotm I woke up to a nightmare yesterday too!! Weird. Anyway you sound like you're trying your best to stay positive which is super great to see :) The thing about mindfullness and whatnot is exercises like that can take a lot of practise. Both because the act itself can be tough but also it's like training your body to become associated with the feelings of calm and everything, so it can take a while to train both your brain and your body to respond. How do you like mindfullness so far on average, do you think?
@Hoxenos Sorry to hear that you also had to deal with an unruly subconscious the other night.
Yeah I'm all too aware of the long-term aspects of mindfulness/medication, and that it's no panacea. Been practicing daily since mid-March. I find it has been on balance a net positive, especially with regards to staying present in the moment and grounded.
My symptoms are gonna do what they do; sometimes you just gotta ride it out. Mindfulness helps me from sinking into the past or floating away into the great unknown, to be more comfortable in my meat suit and slow my thoughts down (or at least change how I look at thinking, from reactive and anxious self criticism/fear/panic/etc to a responsive, non judgemental curiousity and acceptance). Is an ongoing journey, as is living with/healing from traumatic psychological injury.
@melliotm
I am all for anything that brings someone from that place of fear and great self-loathing. For me right now its doing the dishes or some useful and necessary chore around the house. Plenty to choose from 🙃 Or doing something on 7 cups.
Ive been working on risking more. Have a long way to go. I fear if anyone truly knew me wed both be horrified.
on a different note, Ive noticed your absence in speaking much in the forum. And Ive noticed your feed posts. Im glad you are riding out the storm. Sometimes thats all we can do.
@themainjane ❤️⛺
@melliotm
Indeed. ⛺️❤️
My day today is better than yesterday - don't feel rigth or up to par and I am so so so exhauted.
It is hard for other's to feel empathy for me when I can not always tell them what is goin on with me :/ ... or if they can not understand what I have gone though - or if what They have gone through filters out my story.
But in a general sense of empathy - someone who can feel with me and validate my feelings through that - makes me feel like my pain is somehoew honored.
... In other news, I am fighting so hard, every day to hang in there.
I really am.
No one even realizes how hard I am fighting.
@blissedNblessed I connect with A LOT of what you said. I used to hate that feeling of people not being able to understand where I came from. And some days, even when you try to explain, and they want to understand, sometimes it still doesn't seem to work. It can be so hard to open up again after that.
Validating pain is definitely a really big part of empathy. When people try to dismiss it, for whatever reason they have. it can be especially painful.
I know how sometimes it feels like people can't see how hard you're fighting, but we see you 
Keep it up!!! *Hugss*
@Hoxenos
I am so sorry that you relate...because it hurts so much and I wish no one hurt like that.
And hugs you
for your pain that i see
and for telling me you see mine
and for supporting me
<3
I wish I had the energy to lavish empathy today, but I'm just feeling throughly sorry for myself. Amazing how quickly I can take a hundred steps backwards. I had a medical examination today, which I was dreading, and true to form it went terribly. Even though the nurse was lovely, I couldn't bring myself to tell her how triggering it was, and I just blew it instead. I couldn't cope with it, she couldn't go ahead, and now I face having to try it all over again.
I'm so very angry with myself that I can make such a drama out of a straightforward procedure. I am the least dramatic person I know, but I made such an idiot of myself today. I hate that the past can sometimes just come along and kick me so hard. It feels like I'll never be free of what happened, it seems to spread its grubby trails into so many areas of my life. Aargh!! Can I swear profusely on here? I just want it all to go away. To just be 'normal' for once. And I know there's no such f##king thing as normal, but I'm sick of being the almighty screw up that is me 🙁
@BestIcanbe
Oh so sorry to hear you've been through all this today. It can be devastating to find how we react to a normal medical procedure and it is not unusual.So you are not alone in this.Suggest you allow yourself time time to recover, to vent. and then try to be kind to yourself.. something that comforts.Survivors of trauma/abuse often just don't cope well. And as you say you are not usually dramatic so you know this one of the ways in which you are still affected by the past.This has been talked about here,and Kite was keen to have some information about survivors of trauma and medical procedures made available for medical personnel.
Then to go back.Knowing how you were today, wondering about a plan ...how you can get through step by step... like having something written to give to the nurse beforehand, and remembering to use breathing to slow and calm. do you use this at the dentist?.. if you do its already been practised.And maybe some creative visualization in the days/weeks before you go, so you see yourself being able to get through. Its not easy and there is empathy here for you. x
@rozie
I think in a way it was the positive visualisation thing that did me in. I'd been doing that - it was really the only way I could get to the appointment, by trying to see a positive outcome. But because the reality was such a car crash, it's left me feeling more useless really. What should have been so very simple turned into something so very traumatic.
In the spirit of being honest about feelings and such, I am having a lot of anxious feelings as the day progresses and find it challenging to manage/regulate my emotions, much less access my skills and resources. Trying my best to remain in the moment, but have several things upcoming tomorrow (doctor's appointment, landlord visit, etc) that seem to be invading the here and now. Already feel overwhelmed and helpless as I'm swept up in the tide of uncertainty and inner criticism (and subsequent reactiveness to sounds, thoughts, emotions, etc etc etc).
My ever-brimming stress cup runneth over. 🙃😬😟
@melliotm Ugh that's a lot of things >.< It sounds like you need something to look forward to, to balance out the dread. Sometimes when I have a bunch of things to do, I plan out what I'm going to do right after. Like a bath or blanket burrito with Netflix. Sometimes planning out my reward can help me calm down now and make it through the next day. Obviously I can't fix your problems and I don't mean to assume that what works for me works for you as well, but I wanted you to know I'm here for you and I believe you'll get through today :)
@Hoxenos ❤️ all very good suggestions. Right now, I'm doing my best to stay in the present moment, accept the discomfort and not get caught up in entrenched thought cycles (esp catastrophizing about the future). 'Doing my best' being the key phrase. 🙃😬
Hi everyone,
I am looking for any suggestions, on how to deal with being triggered by someone, who gets underneath a person's skin? How to not let other people get to me consciously and physically? as that is huge for me. In most cases I had to leave jobs because of people's bad attitudes or negative energy.
Thanks
This week has been very overwhelleming so glade its almost over. Triggers have been more numerous this week than normal.
@learntolive27
So sorry to hear its been very overwhelming for you this week. Days and weeks like this happen.. and I wonder how you can best deal with this. Could be that keeping away from too many people and/or places that are triggering will stop it from getting to overwhelming. What do you find is helpful? And as you say you're glad this week is over... hoping the next one is better for you. x.
@rozie
I am trying to avoid things that are triggering but it is a fine line between avoiding things that are triggering and avoiding everyone and iscolating which makes coping harder sometimes.
Do you have any ideas? This past weekend was an anniversary i cant cope with and i dont know what to do, its slowly being okay but i dont know its not really stopping
@learntolive27
Agree it is a fine line and getting the balance that you can manage for now.Using mindfulness can help you to stay present. Suggest having a look at : www.pete-walker/managing flashbacks .. a very sound guide. Being kind and patient with oneself, and one step at a time.Hoping you are managing the anniversary,.. that would likely be challenging. We are here with you. x
I have done fairly well all week but today I hit a bump in the road. :( I finally found a therapist that deals with trauma who would take me at a price I could afford only to have my insurance deny transportation coverage. Usually, they cover the cost for doctor appointments but since this therapist won't take my insurance for the visit the company won't cover the transportation. It wouldn't be such a problem but the office is in the next town and I don't drive.
I was determined to find a solution and found that I can take the city bus from here to there for a reasonable rate. I was happy with that but then learned that for me to do it that way I will have be gone for about 6 hours each visit. That is 3 days a week that I would have to be in public places all day...and that is something I don't do well with. Just a trip to the grocery store is enough to mess me up for a few days!
I hope there will be an answer to my dilemma somewhere but right now I am just exhausted and ready to give up. I know I need the therapy but if I stay triggered and unstable from being around people all day, I just can't see how it would help. I fear it would be more detrimental at this point. The alters that are provoked by being around people are the ones that make me isolate for months at a time when they have had too much to handle.
I honestly just don't know what to do.
@TeenyTinyAppy
Oh this is a dliemma for you. Know that you really want access to therapy and you've found a therapist.But the travel that's involved 3 days a week is a lot of time away and around people. Which as you say will be triggering and potentially upset you for days. So will there be a gain here or a setback?
You have showed much determimation in looking for a solution,and I can understand you're exhausted.So could be time to pause and take a break from trying to fathom this one out. Then come back to it. Ask yourself how you feel about it now. Think about what someone who knows you well would say.Get creative and think about options... like the possibilty of doing therapy once a week for a start; that there will be other therapists for whom the insurance will cover; and other ideas that you may come up with.
We are here with you and you can talk this over some more if you like.Hugs x
@rozie
Thank you for your response and your support. It means a lot to me. :)
I made another attempt at a solution this evening and texted the therapist about the problem. I explained the situation and asked her if maybe we could do most of our visits by phone instead. I told her that I could come in for the first session so she could meet me and get a feel for me in a way that a phone call might not allow. I have no idea what her answer will be but at least for tonight I have a hope. I feel a little better...a little more able to function than I was earlier. That's always a good thing. :)
Today was not great. I'm not going into detail, but it was pointed out to me that I've been a bit awol lately so I'm choosing to say something instead of being a fly on the wall like I have been lately. Today was rough and I'm struggling to get my homework done now because I just want to go to bed. All I have to do first is write a paper and do two more discussion board posts! 🙃
@BeeLeigh
Good to see you back Bee... we have missed you. Sorry to hear its been a hard day for you and hoping you managed to get through what needed to be done. Hugs. x
@BeeLeigh
I was just thinking about you. Im glad to see you back and sorry to hear if things are difficult. Sometimes you just gotta do the daily grind, Im sure.
Quite awhile back you tagged me in something. I never responded because I didnt feel up to task. Had things going on that didnt allow for me to handle things on here. Anyway this is my chance to explain and apologize. Anyway. ....
Im glad you let us know youre not awol!
: -). <3<3<3
@BeeLeigh ⛺❤️