Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check-in Thursday 31st May 2018
Hello Lovely Trauma family
Thanks Bee for your lighthearted and fun Wednesday! A break between the grief sessions as I'm going to continue with this theme. Mainly because its so significant in our healing.. maybe more than we realise.
As Michele Rosenthal, author of "Your Life after Trauma' says ": Trauma and grief often go hand in hand, so learning to process grief can help those struggling With PTSD." She describes grief as our internal response to loss. .. the sadness and the despair. The key is to convert the grief to mourning which is the way we express our grief....., the more active phase which may involve talking to another ,writing or poetry, art or music, and may be in a special place. According to Dr Alan Wolfelt, educator and grief counselor, mourning is what intergrates our internal response of grief, and what helps us to release this is to find safe people and places that allow us to mourn.
Finding that support may not be so easy. Its thought that one third of people will not be comfortable and able to sit with your mourning, another third will tell you to cheer up, it wasn't so bad after all, they want you to be okay, and the other third are the gems, the ones who can hold you up and support you through this.Often its someone who can sit with you, maybe hold you, and comfort you. The other support is your own internal support.. the self compassion, kindness gentleness, and understanding in your internal environment that helps the healing process.
According to Wolfelt, mourning involves several steps. First acknowledging the loss.And then befriending the pain, no longer avoiding it, but allowing and interacting with it. Knowing what you have loved and lost, and exploring your new identity in the context of the loss. And finally searching for meaning.
"Pain is excess energy crying out for release." Gerald Heard.
How is your day going? Do you know how you naturally express your grief, that is to mourn, or maybe you can discover this. Or pop in to say hi! This is your space and a safe place. Much love and comfort from rozie. x
'
@rozie
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❤️⛺
@melliotm Hi! 😊
@singercrystalspirit Hi Singer 😃⛺👋🏽 How goes today?
@melliotm
😃 Today is pretty good! Pondering the check in today. How are you??
@singercrystalspirit I am ok. Doing my best to stay cool and keep my allergies in check amid a hyper-pollinated heat wave (so much for spring it already feels like summer here)🌡️🌻⛺
@melliotm
Ooo good luck. It's been summer here for about a month or two already, too 😑
Why would you call it grief ? Doesnt grieving only happen when you have lost something that you care about?
How can l mourn something l never knew?
my internal response is to hide away , l dont know if this makes sense but it's like I crawl inside myself . I can stay like that and its a massive fight to come back, coming back is so difficult .
The support that you talk of, how does that even happen? I mean for me my support is a social worker, a person that Im told to trust and to interact with. How can l do that ?
The same social worker than not a year before missed my abuse , if she had done her job l could have been a year free by now .
But like I said in an earlier post grown ups only see and hear what they want too.
l have to talk because they say its to build a case for the judge , they push for answers , they ask me to go back to the worst times in my life and when l do they just sit and watch me struggle and after that struggle its on to the next question.
They then care so much that they leave , they walk away and drive home or to wherever they go.
I dont walk away l just crawl further inside myself , this is not the freedom that they take about , this is not safe .
each day they tell me how brave I am , if this is brave then they can keep it .
@sincereJar9515
*hugs*
@sincereJar9515
You deserved better than how you were treated, and maybe im wrong but Im hearing feelings of anger and fear in your response and they are completly natural stages too.
It sounds like its so fresh for you and I remember vaguely when I was at that stage that if someone spoke about the grieving process i wouldnt have been able to relate to it either.
Because I like you cant remember what I was like before things happened.
But eventually I did grieve and still do mourn sometimes for the childhood I should have had, for the person I possibly could have become if I didnt have so many struggles.
I dont believe it means everyone will feel the need to grieve and like kite said everyone processes things differently.
*safe hugs*
@indigoBeing9907
i dont know how to feel , its only been a few days that I have been away .
it all feels to much to cope with , Im terrified and no one hears that .
they just want a conviction , but no one asks what l want.
Choices dont exist in
@sincereJar9515
That sounds like an overwhelming situation I think most people would find themselves strugging if they were in that situation, thats why there should be people there to support you and to listen to what you want and your concerns.
❤
@sincereJar9515
Oh Jar, this sounds so very hard for you. Its not good to feel alone and terrified and that no one hears. Wondering if you can talk to a listener here and get some support,. You may already doing this... you deserve to be heard. We are here with you too. x
@sincereJar9515 @rozie
Rozie, I agree with Jar grief is when you lost something that you care about. You need to remember that this forum is for all to read not just adults there are teens here also. You and the team need to remember what the teens are going through also when making these post.
Jar - it is ok to hide however talking and processing stuff will be really good. I know trust is a big deal and I know it is scary telling folks stuff. Support is all the new adults in your life now and the folks here on 7cups. I am so sorry that social worker didn't help you when you were being abused.
When you write "But like I said in an earlier post grown ups only see and hear what they want too." I agree with you that the orignal thread at the top was in bad taste and should never have been posted because this is a big trigger for a lot of folks and the group should be more caring about what they actually do post in the future.
Yes, all those questions are helping the judge and you are doing an awesome job helping them with the case. I am so very, very, very proud of you doing that and that you got out of the abusive house that you were in. If you feel like the social worker or a therapist should spend more time with you please ask them to do that. I don't want you to feel that they are just walking away from you.
I do know that you are being very brave. I know you are doing an awesome job every day. I am here for you and always will be here for you.
@DanaMH
I appreciate your feedback that this post was difficult for Jar. And also for others too I think. This is not an easy topic and I'm very aware of this, and gave considerable consideration to what I posted. Yet grieving is such a significant part of healing from trauma that we need to be talking about this. It followed on from an earlier post on Tuesday.
And there is support here for those who are having difficulty.... and I think Jar was given lots of support and understanding. Clearly she is going through a really tough time and I'm glad she has your support.This forum is for adults, and maybe she would better to go to teen forums at this stage.
@rozie
could I ask what I have done that
@sincereJar9515
Yes Jar. i'm endorsing what Kite has said you .
You are very welcome here.
There is support here as you will notice in the replies you've had.
We were responding to the concens Dana has expressed.
We care for you . x
@rozie
thank you
Im sorry if I offended u in any way , it wasnt my intention .
I
I don't deal with loss and grief very well at all. I do appreciate this topic because it reminds me that I need to face it somehow. This topic isn't comfortable for me to read about or to think about, but I know that I have to be willing to step outside of my comfort zone if I am ever going to be able to embrace life. It is painful and this topic will cause issues for me, of that I am sure, but I know that I have to try if I am ever going to find an ability to cope.
That is one of my biggest problems, I didn't know how to cope with traumatic things, so I just didn't. The more I took this approach the more sensitive and easily triggered I became. It is at the point now that I can hardly go out of my apartment because something is going to be said or seen that will cause me to become unstable. Just little things can cause it... like someone talking about something they saw on the news. So, that is a big part of my therapy plan, to learn coping skills and strategies.
So, even though this topic is not as fun as yesterday's (I really enjoyed that one) it is one that I do need and appreciate.
@TeenyTinyAppy
I agree this is a hard topic and not a comfortable one. I hesitated and then thought its a significant one for our healing..and needs to be spoken about. But its only gently and as you are ready that you can mourn. There is no pressure and we all grieve in our own way. Thank ypu for sharing with us today. x
this is kind of an uncomfortable check in, honestly. i don't really like thinking about the fact i should be letting myself grieve. idk, i guess i don't feel like i deserve too? and i don't really know how to let myself grieve, either. i don't like the idea of accepting pain. pain is bad, pain goes into the small corner of my mind where i don't have to touch it or think about it.
@Moonberrycat
I know this can be an uncomfortable topic, and grieving only comes when you are ready. There is no expectation or pressure,..its ok to be just where you are in your journey.So please just let be for now and take good care of yourself. We are here with you. x
@rozie
Thanks for starting this discussion.
When my mother died my family sort of crumbled. I was at university at the time and sitting exams. They let me defer my exams until the middle of the summer because I'd missed so much time while she was in hospital. So I spent six months looking after my father and trying to catch up on all the time I'd missed and I was really focused and kind of numb. Everyone kept telling me how proud they were of how strong I was. I think that made things worse in the long run. When my mother first went into hospital my father said 'whatever happens, you need to do your exams.' Everyone was pretty clear on what they thought was important.
Then we went to a memorial service (Nov 11) and saying all the words through the service, something in me just snapped. I made it to the end with tears pouring down my face then got myself outside, leant against a wall and cried so hard I felt like I was going to shake apart.
The next 6 months were pretty bad. I don't really recognise your description of mourning. The closest I came was going into the forest and lighting a candle on the anniversary of my mother's death. Looking back on it I can see that I was behaving pretty eratically, and it kind of worries me that I couldn't see that at the time. I made some pretty bad decisions and got myself in some bad situations. I don't know if this follows your description of grief.
This isn't stuff I've ever really talked about with anyone. It's amazing how easy it is to type it out and send it off to a bunch of faceless people on an online forum when the thought of saying it all outloud makes me want to curl up in a ball and shut down completely.
Feeling a little better towards the end of the week. I like being busy and things at work are very busy at the moment; it's a good distraction. That said, I'm about to go away with a large group of people for two weeks and that thought is pretty exhausting. The introvert in me is terrified...
Hope you're all looking after yourselves xx
@Roslyn992
Hi Roslyn, Thank you for sharing this with us. I think the grieving that you talk about after your mother's death is very much how grief unfolds. Initially there is the numbness where we don't feel. .. nature's way of protecting us from the enormity of the loss. And then as you found at the memorial, the flood gates open and the tears and sadness. And often there is a time as you describe where you may feel a little bit out of control, and make decisions that may not be the best... its a kinda panic and not coping very well phase. I love your ritual with the candle which is all part of this. Grieving comes in waves until you reach a place where you learn to live with the loss to some degree. Hoping you've reached a place like this.
And grief as we're saying here goes hand in hand with trauma.. the losses that come... and grieving these is part of recovery and healing.
Hoping your day goes well for you. x
Hi
Grief is not something I really feel I have processed properly. After a trauma when I was 10 I was sent to a counsellor because I wasn't coping and was told about the stages of grief and at what point the counsellor thought I was but most of the skills I was told to use I wasn't comfortable doing. And even though my parents were the ones that wanted me to get better I have never really been able to tell them what is going on in my head, especially when I was in secondary school, my parents were fed up of me talking about what I was struggling with so when I needed someone there was no one there. Everyone had there own struggles, which were also put onto me, so I was left drowning with only other children to talk to who knew nothing about the seriousness of what I had gone through.
More recent things have also shown that most of the people I know don't understand how serious things can be so they just brush my worries off as overreacting, when in reality someone was incredibly close to death, and I was never allowed a chance to express any grief.
Sorry I am not doing too well right now. Memories have been plaguing me today. I would like to order a new brain to replace my current bad model.
Love and hugs 
@FloweringBunny
Hi
I'm glad you're here and talking with us.Its so hard when we are told that we are over reacting, when all we need is a listening ear. Its like what we said in the post, one third of people won't be able to hear us, another third will try to cheer us up and say it wasn't that bad or that we're over reacting, and the other third are the ones who can sit with us and hear us.. the gems. My hope for you is that one of these gems comes into your life or you find one.. 33% chance of this.
Sorry to hear its not so easy.for you . agree if only we could change the brain for a new model.. bu tinstead its about the rewiring and this takes time and patience.
Love and hugs to you too. x
@rozie
Hi
My day has been a day just forgettn it. I dont like emotions/grieving. Id sh to stop it and will do me utmost best to supress or make it go away. I dont agree i have anything to grieve or the right to. I shud be better than that.
@honestLand773
Good to have you here with us. I think its ok for it to be just how it is for you. We are each in different places on our journey and are here for support and to support each other. Grieving and feelings can be more than you want to deal with right now. its ok. x
Not sure I