Traumatic Experiences Community Daily Check in: Wednesday December 19th
Hi everyone!!
I'm so sorry for the late post!! December is a time when a lot of stressors converge. The holidays themselves have social pressures, family stress, managing obligations for social gatherings, and financial strain from gift giving. I feel like there's also a big pressure to have a "perfect" holiday as well, which is even more pressure. Trauma survivors often have stressful relationships and dynamics with their families, so family stress can be a big one. The cold makes going out and doing things a lot more cumbersome and frustrating. There is also added strain for university students, as it's exam time.
Studies show that trauma survivors suffer academically. Trauma survivors have a hard time handling stress of normal day life, so school stress affects marked change in cognitive abilities. This isn't to say that trauma makes us stupid, but it makes school skills harder to access, like focus, attention, concentration, and the things that suffer from that are our ability to both take in information and the ability to retrieve the information once it's in our brain. There could also be long term consequences of the fact that we learn that this time of year will be stressful, and carry that over even after we graduate, making us dread December ahead of time.
For those of you currently in school, how are things going? How do you manage your school stress and how do you think it affects your overall stress? How does your trauma stress affect your school stress? Is it a cycle or one way?
For those of you not in school, when you were, how did the stress interactions feel?
If you don't want to talk about school, then how has your week been? Where are your stress levels at and why is that, do you think?
For those of you interested in Student Support, here is the community for that!
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@Hoxenos
I definitely had the problems you describe when I was at university. I still notice the problems today. Mostly with my memory. This has always been something I've known about, and sort of a sad but funny joke with my partner for years. But there are events I have no recollection of that involve my kids, and that really tears me apart. I don't think it's a DID thing, but I think it has something to do with other dissociation, where I'm not fully present when things are happening and so it seems natural that they wouldn't get stored in my memory. Although, like I said some things with my kids were huge and emotional for me and I know I was at least present enough, but yet they're gone. Other things I don't remember at all and am bewildered when my partner tells me about them. Hard to think about sometimes.
I haven't been well for the last few weeks, but I've started to feel better since yesterday. I'm still kinda sad and out of energy, and I know what it's about, so just sitting with that and seeing what it's telling me. I realized yesterday that I may be pushing myself too much with some things and not doing enough accepting of myself the way I am. Knowing that makes me feel better for some reason.
@SentientiaPoecile
You have such a good grasp on this stuff. Dissociation comes in many forms, and like all mental illness, it exists on a spectrum. You dissociation sounds a lot like mine, to me it sort of... muffles the world. Like I'm seeing a feeling through a very thick blanket. I have a hard time feeling emotion and it's very difficult to connect with the reality around me. To me dissociation has always felt like a paradoxical situation, it is caused by an extreme stress arousal, like fearing for your life, but it goes too far and your brain tries to shut down to protect you from the extremes of the emotions. So you can feel both panicked and very calm and aloof at the same time.
When we are in this state, our executive functioning is limited. Executive function is things like rational decision making, problem solving, encoding memory, multitasking, and working memory (aka short term memory). Our brain is trying to function on the minimal settings to get us through a life or death situation. We get to this point because we learn to fear and be anxious of many things, and we have a lower threshold to feel overwhelmed because of the trauma. Basically, we practise doing it so it's easier and easier over time to follow those same paths.
I think you could be right that you were too stressed to take in those memories, so you're right in that they could be gone forever, but all we can do is to try to improve for next time. If you know that being stressed causes you to not take in memories, perhaps the next time you're feeling stressed, pay attention to how your body is feeling, and if your mind can actually focus on the things you want to remember. Another thing could be to practise relaxing in random situations. I like to do a head-to-toe muscle relax from time to time because you can do it literally anywhere as long as you're sitting. The more you practise relaxing, whether you're stressed or not, the better you get at it, and so you'll be able to use that tool in an emergency.
@Hoxenos i struggled with school was bullied i SH heard audible voices i dissassoiated alot when at school trying to not be there when i was bullied stress wasnt handled very well at all and with family situation i struggled academically so i defo agree there
@CaringBrit
In our society pairing school with panic and dissociation harms us so much in the long run. We are expected to be in school until we're 22 at least, and the requirements are only going up with time. It is so much added stress on top of what we already deal with because of the trauma. When in school I often think to myself "Why can't things be easy just FOR ONCE." But the fact is that they aren't easy for healthy people, so they're extra not easy for us. It can be so frustrating to accept these realities :(
@Hoxenos true i left school at 16 went to college for 2 years did horsecare first year then animal care 2nd by time i finished school and was in college the age went up to 18 its still 18 in britain
@Hoxenos
I wanted to say hi!
And also I'd like to add that you are spot on and educated about the life and struggles of people with trauma.
It's a daily battle within.
@emotionalMaple9419
It definitely is. I always think of it as resource management. December and the holidays can put us into a bit of emotional and stress related debt I think. And it's tough to pay it all back, but the emotional debt collectors come whether we deal with them or not. I feel like recovery from trauma is a huge balancing act and getting to know our debt collectors limits.
@Hoxenos
I was a perfectionist and overachiever academically, in part bc I was so anxious about failure.
@ReallyRuth I think I had a similar outlook on school. It's stressful at times to always strive for that perfection academically. Especially in tough subjects (like math for me).
@Kate
It was brutally stressful...but largely self-inflicted.
@ReallyRuth
I was a perfectionist too. Do you think that trauma has influenced or interacted with your perfectionism? For example, since I had a lot of guilt and shame of thinking that everything was my fault, I needed to be perfect in school because a) it meant I was a good person, and b) bering perfect was the only way I felt like I was 100% in control of my life and my surroundings. I think these kinds of feelings feed into eating disorders too.
i have always found it hard to focus and concentrate on things, including when i was in school. and i have felt easliy overwhelmed by things that other people seem to handle easily, like social situations and minor problems. i always chalked it up to being shy or introverted but im just realizing now my trauma may play a part in it too. dealing with my trauma is new to me, and just starting to post about it here has opened up a lot of good, but scary things for me. so this week i feel grateful to have opened up, but also anxious and nervous about dealing with the strong emotions that are starting to come up. also, hoxenos, i really was glad i joined your group chat last week, it was so helpful to know i'm not alone. thank you.
@crimsonSpruce612 Come to the discussion tomorrow night or Saturday again if you can! Hope to see you there.
@Kate
thanks Kate. I can't make tomorrow but I'm really hoping to make Saturday :)
@crimsonSpruce612
Starting to open up about trauma can have a very Pandora's Box feel about it. There's a certain feeling of loss of control, like you're not bottling things up anymore so there's potential for this vortex of feeling and memory that COULD be lurking somewhere just out of sight. But on the other hand.. there is hope. Hope that you can finally get some peace from these demons. You have to hold onto that feeling of hope that things will get better, because that hope reminds you who is the true "you" in your darkest times. It shows you what in life is fulfilling and worth the struggles you've endured. You are so strong for pursuing recovery and I'm sure your journey will be inspiring <3
Thank you for coming to the discussion and I hope to see you again :)
@Hoxenos
you are describing exactly what i am feeling. on one hand, relieved and hopeful that im finding the strength to face this, but scared of where it will lead. its been so hard for me to open up emotionally because i think i shut down after the abuse happened. ive started to try to deal with this a few times but always backed away b/c it was too uncomfortable. but i think im ready now and i do have that hope you're talking about :)
Hi. I feel like hiding in a pillow fort today.
@RedHawk6547 *makes you a pillow fort*
@Kate
Thanks. I can't wait for the holidays to be over.
@RedHawk6547
It sounds like you're listening to your feelings and being aware of where you're at today. Sometimes what helps me if I can't make a pillow fort is to swaddle myself really tight in a blanket. It can help calm overstimulation.
I am with my family and it is very stressful. There is yelling, name calling and telling me everything that is wrong with me and my life. I am lazy, worthless and a waste of space. That is the jist of it. I hate holidays. I do not like being here, it is not safe.
@practicalIdeal2007
That does sound very difficult, Ideal. I'm glad you are here with us. Please keep checking in and letting us know how you're holding up.
What kind of coping skills can you use while there? Remember you are allowed to step away to another room when you need to get away. You are allowed to say no to things, yes to things, or take time to decide something. Sometimes we can do deep breaths and ground even around other people. Those couple weeks will be over soon. Maybe you can start planning something relaxing for yourself to look forward to when you return home. Will be thinking of you.
@practicalIdeal2007
Family events mean a lot of questions. And those questions always feel like they come down to "Why aren't you managing things at the same pace as everyone else?" And it can be very draining. The pressure of secrets and the desire to be understood and forgiven.
It's a lot of emotional baggage to be dealing with every second of being with them. We'll be here for you ever step <3
@practicalIdeal2007
Oh dear! My heart hurts after reading your message.
The yelling, name calling and totally lack of support you receive is appalling.
And this is what we call being a family?
Where is the love, the admiration, the affection and the devotion we so need to make it in this world?
I am here for you too, and do understand. 
@Hoxenos
I like this topic, and I'm responding late, but yes, trauma and stress does effect a person academically. I have been working on my bachelor's degree for 7.5 years (usually takes people 4 or less years to complete). The stress related to my life and my past trauma made it impossible to finish my degree in a timely fashion. It wasn't until I moved away from the stress and the triggers that I was finally abile to finish my bachelor's degree in psychology. I am incredibly smart and intelligent, my academics just suffered because I couldn't get assignments done on time and I've been in and out of the hospital so much. But, on December 21st I found out I passed my last college course! Things were still stressful, the holiday season was getting me down and I had just lost a friend to suicide and had her service the night before everything was due, but I made myself finish it and my professor was impressed and astounded by my perseverence to finish my degree despite the things that I have dealt with in the last 12 months because I kept them updated on things when I couldn't work on my school stuff. It was hard, but persevering and getting through it, even if it took longer than most people I still did it and that's something no one can take away from me!
@InvaderStitch
Hey, your perseverance is definitely enviable. I'm about that far into a bachelor's myself, and I'm in the last home stretch now. Every step we take is worth celebrating because we deal with so much more on our plate than the average student. I'm sorry for what you dealt with with your friend, and I wonder if in the past that would have buried you, but this time you were able to push through. That is unparalleled strength and definitely something to be proud of. <3
@Hoxenos
thanks. Its nice to know someone else understands. Being surrounded by people who minimize your accomplishments is hard.
Good luck with your last stretch of school.
