Traumatic Experiences Community Daily check-in Wednesday December 5th 2018
Hi all! Happy Wednesday!!
Not every day in recovery is about improving and climbing. Maintenance is a really undervalued skill. Without a good foundation of coping skills, how can we improve? Being able to tread water, to endure through especially tough days, to just survive, that is good enough sometimes. Some days all you may be able to do is just survive it, and that is ok. You are not a lesser or weaker person because you don't improve every day. Every improvement is a big step that takes a lot of energy. Any new habit you make, before it becomes automatic, takes conscious thought and therefore a lot of mental energy every time you work on it. On hard days, even "basic" tasks like personal hygiene can be a real struggle. This is normal in recovery, you are not weak, you simply have depleted resources.
Sometimes I imagine recovery is like a simulation game. Like a city builder. You start off with only a couple resources and you build really slowly at first. You're constantly having to juggle, what am I going to sacrifice so that I can save up for this big purchase etc. I find recovery can feel like that. We're constantly calculating our emotional, mental, and physical resources to make sure we don't fall into the red (a spiral) in any one domain. Sometimes in sim games, you have to wait a bit for projects to end so that the money or resources will recuperate. There is no shame in needing to wait for resources to replenish as a human being. It can take time and feel very frustrating, but going into emotional and mental debt can have consequences.
My questions for you are:
What have you done or plan to do today for maintenance?
What maintenance strategy have you been neglecting and want to get back into?
Are there any maintenance habits that can act as warning signs that you might be starting a spiral if they become harder to do?
How can you be kind to yourself today if things don't "feel better" enough to feel like improvement?
As an example, I plan on focusing on hygiene and relaxation techniques today. I don't feel the need to necessarily tackle any big challenges today. I just want to maybe make some lists to see what does have to be done so it's not all floating in the air overwhelming me with uncertainty, and focus on staying calm. That is enough for today. That is success in recovery.
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@Hoxenos
What have you done or plan to do today for maintenance?
I have already done my school work so that is done, apart from Dutch but I do that all the time. This afternoon I have therapy which is ok, I am thinking of an art project to do but it is kind of not coming to me. So hopefully something will come to me, it takes me away. I have done some reading but my brain is being naughty.
What maintenance strategy have you been neglecting and want to get back into?
Not really sure about this one. I have not been listening to music as much or I have been listening to the same things over and over again. So I have put the radio thing on which is random songs, I have been pressing the next song button a lot. So it is a risk in a way, which mostly likely will not make sense to anyone.
Are there any maintenance habits that can act as warning signs that you might be starting a spiral if they become harder to do?
I am doing well with the OCD things
How can you be kind to yourself today if things don't "feel better" enough to feel like improvement?
I plan to listen to the happy song list and maybe sing along in the car but I will not admit that.
@AmalieAnne
Hi Amelie!
Sounds like you're doing a good job putting one foot in front of the other, doing tasks as they come, great job!! I love the music ideas. Music can help us process emotions and also relax us. They help us feel connected to people and to the world, and remind us that feelings are healthy and normal. And singing is so cathartic don't be shy!! :D
@Hoxenos Hello, I think I have learnt that or am learning that dealing with one thing at a time is good like mindfulness but less nonsense [according to my brain, do not blame me, blame him]. I see music so even though seeing sounds is frustrating at times I am not sure how people can live without it. Singing and dancing are always not public things for me 
. What kind of music do you like? I found this by Ramin Karimloo who is really handsome and amazing (as the phantom just amazing)
https://youtu.be/-VlsrYqrYMw
and of course the best
https://youtu.be/RAaM0xupW_U
@AmalieAnne Ok so one mention of Phantom and I'm all over it. I think that your first phantom will always be your favourite, I have yet to meet someone who learned of another phantom and liked them better.
My test song is always Music of the Night, I feel like that song shows 100% of what each phantom singer is all about. This guy, WOW! Amazing tone and really emotional I love that! What a great voice.
My favourite phantom sounds more... exhausted, older, and has these pauses in the song that just... make you hold on tighter kinda thing. He's always felt more... musical... to me than other phantoms. The pacing and power in his performance is just... ugh so wonderful. I'm talking of course about none other than the majestic Colm Wilkinson!! The original Canadian Cast Phantom. Unparalleled, I've never heard another phantom who feels more... phantomy than him xD (but it's the bias in that he was my first phantom) I like the darker deeper phantoms, generally.
https://youtu.be/xeL3-koVTJ
@Hoxenos
Oh I think I have to do this with your consent of course *hugs*, a fellow lover of such things. I do not know who the first Phantom I saw was to be honest but then again to me Christine singing 'Wishing you were here' has always been the song over 'Music of the Night'. In the 25th anniversary which I did not attended but would have loved to, Sierra Boggess is just amazing. I get what you mean though for me the Phantom in 'Love Never Dies' will always be Ramin Karimloo. We have the DVD for Love Never Dies which the Phantom is Ben Lewis who is amazing but not as good as Monsieur Karimloo. In the ending of The Phatom of the Opera 'Down once more' at the end he [Karimloo] is wow! He also played Jean Valjean in New York so I would have loved to see that live as well but he is not there any more.
I do know who Colm Wilkinson is and I think he is great but to me he is always associated with Les Miserables. I get what you mean he is almost like an anti-tenor or countertenor in the way he sings 'Bring him Home', which is kind of amazing because I do not think anyone has ever really been able, as far as I know, to match that style in which is meant to be a prayer. Alfie Boe sings much lower but has a powerful voice. With the youtube link, it says the video is not there. I could talk for hours but I think these videos are amazing and it makes me cry.
https://youtu.be/qsYnhVITf9E - Colm Wilkinson [10th anniversary]
https://youtu.be/Sm6Y_hGM_ww - Alfie Boe [25th anniversary] I cannot find the quartet for les miserables 25th anniversary at the end which is good enough but the way Alfie Boe just brings in the power, then all three step back to let Colm Wilkinson end it is just wow. I am not sure who the person on the left but to the right is but John Owen-Jones. It is this but https://youtu.be/NpTKrvPTgTQ but the sound is horrible. If you have Amazon music or Google Music get it there, it makes me cry and you can tell they all respect Colm Wilkinson so much as to step back because they know they he was in the original cast and no one can end Bring Him Home like he can.
Finally,
https://youtu.be/kEtysWgPzZA - Geronimo Rauch is Spainish and although in London Les Miserables has been going on everyday (apart from a few days) for more than my life, in Spain it has not been. Geronimo Rauch though I think transcends what Les Miserable is about.
I am going to stop talking now.
@Hoxenos
I'm just gonna say hi today.
@friendlyLake5949 hello 
@friendlyLake5949
Hi Lake,
You know, checking in and saying hi? That's a great example of maintenance. Good job!! I'm here if you want to talk later :)
@friendlyLake5949
👋
@Hoxenos
I am just focusing on doing what I need to do to be successful at work...so I don't let the bad week create a bigger mess in my life.
@ReallyRuth
You got this, Ruth! One step in front of the other!! One task at a time, slowly but surely making progress. You got this!!!
@Hoxenos
I don't feel like I've got this, but I am trying
@ReallyRuth
You know what? Trying is good enough. I think it's a good example of maintenance. You're doing your best, and that's ok.
@Hoxenos
Thank you.
Today is six years since the day my brother took his own life. Although I would not attribute this to my issues with trauma, it certainly doesn't help. I thought that after such a long time it would start to get easier, that it would hurt less and I wouldn't cry as much. However, I am finding that with time, the opposite has been (and continues to be) true. I often worry that I will forget what his voice sounded like, or what he looked like when he smiled. I have precious few pictures of him because his social media accounts were deleted postmortem. I miss him terrible. I don't know what to do with this hurt. I don't know how to get away from it. Sometimes I wonder what the point of it all is.
@lostindecember
Sending safe hugs if OK
@pioneeringBanana1598
Thank you. <3
I also realize that I totally ignored the prompt in today's check-in post, so here goes:
What have you done or plan to do today for maintenance?
My boyfriend and I made dinner plans to go out and celebrate my brother's life. This is an annual thing for me and I usually do it alone, but I am bringing my boyfriend this time.
What maintenance strategy have you been neglecting and want to get back into?
Writing. I have had writer's block for some time.
Are there any maintenance habits that can act as warning signs that you might be starting a spiral if they become harder to do?
Going to the gym. I usually love it and look forward to it. I haven't gone a day this week.
How can you be kind to yourself today if things don't "feel better" enough to feel like improvement?
I am going to remind myself that it is okay to feel these feelings, as awful as they are. I will try to tell myself that it isn't my fault and that there is nothing I could have done, but I still don't totally believe either of those things.
@lostindecember
It's ok to not believe those things right now. It takes a lot of repetition for them to rewrite a lot of the negative stuff that we told ourselves too many times first. The important thing is that you keep trying to believe it.
Anniversaries of tough stuff are hard to deal with. The time of year, the smells around us, the sites, the feel of the air. All of these things can remind us very viscerally of the pain we felt when it happened. Celebrating his life is a wonderful idea and I hope it went well. I know it's scary to forget his face or his voice... but it doesn't mean you love him any less. The way you feel when you think of him, when you miss him... those are what is real. Your love for him, you'll never lose that. Perhaps figuring other ways you can remember him other than visual cues could help with these feelings. And as for habits that slip during this time... perhaps take a moment to consciously excuse yourself from those kinds of responsibilities because you definitely merit a break from them, and then pick a day next week or when you think you'll be ready to pick them back up.
<3
@Hoxenos
Thank you so much for your kind words, and for taking the time to respond. The dinner went well. It was fun and my boyfriend asked for stories about my brother and it was fun to share. I am lucky to have my boyfriend. He is a great support system. I will take your advice into consideration. I took most of this week off from the gym because I didn't feel up to it, but I'm going to go today. <3
@Hoxenos hi
@crimsonLime6525
Hi Lime, thanks for checking in today! How are you feeling?
@Hoxenos struggling 😭
@Hoxenos
Hi Hoxenos. I plan on taking a shower today and spending some time to relax. The semester is wrapping up, and I can feel the stress building up. I want to start going to the gym again. That really helped me. Once this smester is over in a couple of weeks, I'll be hitting the gym hard. I have a lot of emotions that I need to work through. Last week I found out my older brother has colon cancer. The daily struggle is being okay with feeling emotions and letting them wash over me when they come. So today I want to delve deeper into my emotions to feel better.
@shadowmere14
Hey you and me both!! Exams are incominggggg. And I also planned to shower today. Literally all I did today was laundry, shower, and eat. It's not that it was all I could have done, but it's all I needed to get through today and they should make tomorrow marginally easier, which is the goal haha.
I think going to the gym is a great goal. It's so beneficial for mental health, but then it also has the downside of being stressful or shameful when you miss it. How do you think you could set a goal that will be defined enough to meet it, but also flexible enough to not cause guilt?
@Hoxenos
Going at least two days a week would be the flexible goal. I haven;t gone since the summer. Three days a week is my ideal goal. I only have two classes next semester and I graduate. So I'm going to have a lot more time for myself. This semester has just really taken a toll on my mental health. I don't have much time to relax and just breathe. Thanks for getting back to me!
I so want to answer the check-in questions, but my head is a mess. So I'll just say "hi".
@affectionateNorth4018
Hi North! I totally get when it's difficult to focus on things, it can be so tough. How about today you just answer one of them (it's ok if even that is too much), because either way you've bookmarked the post so you can come back when you're calmer to try again.
Not doing the questions either way is fine because if only saying hi is all you could do, then that is maintenance and it's good enough <3
Today I am painfully aware that I ran out of spoons. I had way more going on than I have the ability to accomplish or the strength to push though. I nearly fell asleep driving home from work.
I feel like I need to keep my thoughts to myself. I know part of it is in my head, but part of it is reality as well. I don't know which part is which. I'm tired of people starring at me. I'm tried of people not understanding. I want to crawl in a corner. It took all the restraint I have today to not tell my boss the words I say much want to say "I quit".
I am making some good changes in my life, but I don't feel better yet.
@practicalIdeal2007
It can be frustrating when change is slow. It sounds like you really need to catalogue all of your strains going on in your life right now and prioritize them. It sounds like some of the low priority things really need to be cut from the docket for a bit. Remember that nothing is ever gone forever and you can pick things back up at a later time. It's ok to say "I have too much on my plate right now, sorry." You're allowed to stand up for yourself and you're allowed to talk about your limits.
As for work related things, I've used the line "December is a hard time for me for reasons I'm not comfortable sharing and because of that I may be a bit slower with my work for a couple weeks." Many people, even if they don't have personal experiences like this, understand that others do. Anniversaries of various forms of grief are pretty common, and the best part is people normally don't dig for a reason if you say you don't want to talk about it.
Obviously if you're uncomfortable doing this that's totally fair, but it does sound like you need to take control of your responsibilities in some ways. You sound overwhelmed and the first step was noticing, the next is doing something about it. I find writing out a list and numbering it with priority helps me sort it out, perhaps that would help with yours.
This was really helpful for me to think of my energy like currency. The saying "money doesn't grow on trees". (Ponders) Well, I suppose energy literally does grow from trees, heh, but energy doesn't just magically come out of nowhere. Unless it was The Big Bang. Ok, I'm not making the point i thought i would after all.....lol..... (blushes)
Guess my line of thinking was that i really needn't expect myself to have this ridiculous never-ending supply of energy, constantly checking stuff off the to do list. It's not realistic. I know i can't do it all, all the time. And yet i still feel so much shame when i still see the things around me undone.
I struggle with basic hygiene sometimes, even when i think I'm ok. I thought maybe that's be a sign when I'm not doing well, but it's too normal still. Well, other signs i guess are migraines and feeling heavy/weighed down even after good sleep.
Today i pushed and pushed to get a ton of work done. Then i put everything else off and played a video game. I think it helped.
@SentientiaPoecile
It takes a lot of conscious thought to tell when something goes from a normal amount of struggle to a non functioning amount of struggle. There is no cut off really, it comes down to how you feel about it. The more things you can say to argue with those voices that say "shame" are really the only way to combat that stuff. The more ways you can tell that voice that it's wrong, and tell it over and over, the more you will be able to come to terms with those feelings. It sounds like you're on your way and have already seen a lot of improvement with it, you got this! <3
@Hoxenos
(hugs)