Escaping Narcissist marriage
I am in the early stages of leaving my husband. We have been married for 2 years and together for almost 4. I was not in a good place when we first got together which I think is why missed or ignored so many red flags. He has mainly been verbally and emotionally abusive and things have gotten bad in this past year and I had been thinking divorce the final straw for me was a few instances. In December on my birthday he called me the n-word among other things. Then we had to do what he wanted. It was around that time that he was getting for and probably doing drugs with his mother and sister which was causing a lot of fights between us. That was around the time first looked into what I would have to do to file for divorce. We had just moved so for residency reasons I had to wait 6 months to file in the county we are in (which would have been May). I kept that information in the back of my head. In March my oldest son moved in with us the same week his kids were visiting. He would try and make me feel bad for talking with my son who I had not really got to see in over a year. He was mad because his kids were on their phones more than spending time with him, but he would also pout and leave if he was not the center of attention. In April on our anniversary again we had to do what he wanted and he cussed me out called me all kinds of names for almost the entire hour and half drive to where we were going because I wasn't as excited as he thought I should be and because I said something about him drinking and driving. He was fine once we got the restaurant and as the night progressed, but started again on the way home. I was every name in the book because I played a song he either didn't know or like. That was it that was when I decided I was done. Since then I started to come up with a plan to leave. I'm sure he knows something is up because things have gotten worse. More snide comments, more of him expecting everyone to jump when he says so and getting mad when it doesn't happen. There is also more of him acting like the victim, he will act nice but then still make snide comments and then get mad when I'm not falling all over him and the vicious cycle continues. I've recently been in contact with a few people because things have gotten to a point where I think I'm going to have to speed up my escape before things get worse.
This is a very serious and stressful issue and it seems that the marriage maybe cannot be saved, I suggest talking with your husband and telling him that his actions are really affecting you and your mental health and that you feel unsafe, but remember to stay calm and breathe. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements, as they will carry your message across more clearly and your husband would be less likely to feel victimized. Keep your expectations at a steady level, he could realize his terrible behavior and apologize or he could become angry and lash out but you won’t know until you try to talk with him. He needs to understand that his actions are causing you pain.
I don't think the marriage can be saved. I can not think of anything he can do at this time to make me feel different. There are times when he has put me downand so much that sometimes I would think some of this is my fault. I started writing down everything that has happened from the beginning partially to remind myself that no matter what I do not deserve to be treated the way I have been. I have talked to him several times we have agreed many times to work on things. My husband is a narcissist and things have to be his way or no way. His idea of working on things is I need to listen to him, wait on him hand and foot, spend my money in him (He quit his job a month after we got married and has not had a steady job since)and go along with whatever he says all with a big smile on my face. I feel numb and exhausted. I just want peace at this point.
I feel for you. I left and divorced my ex-narcissistic husband of 34 years in 2020. It was a long time coming. He broke my trust with multiple infidelities and lies and toxicity back in 1998-99. I tried and never could rebuild it. I tried and tried to be the best wife I could, tried to repair our relationship, we even went to counseling multiple times. He really never cared about any of that. I'm the end he told me so.
Still having to deal with him once again, as he quit paying his attorney so he wouldn't have to pay me several hundred dollars he owes via the *** settlement agreement. I'm depressed lately, but I'm still far happier than I used to be. I really just want my peace and happiness, and am considering not even pursuing his obvious contempt of court here. I'm tired, I am now my main priority, and I can't afford an attorney-- he can. I suspect he expects me to give up not continue. Honestly, I'm real close to doing so.
His karma will come to him, as will mine. I have to trust the Universe to line it all up and mind my own side of the fence from here on out.
@TPuddin8118
Hello, my dear: I am WorkingitThrough2, and I read your post and understand how this has proven to be a toxic relationship for you. I am so sorry that you have to experience such. There are a lot of points that you brought up that resonate with me as well.
Hoping your husband is nothing like mine as far as trying to talk and work things out. That is non-existent because he always makes it about himself, and nothing is his fault. So I get the fact that trying to talk about how you feel or bring attention to how he is treating you and the children.
People like that don't feel they are playing a part in the dysfunction because it is all about them. I truly hope you follow your intuition and do what is best for yourself and your well-being. Above all, be safe. We are here to support you and whatever decision you make. Please keep checking in whenever you can to let us know you are ok❤️
