TW: Is my step father grooming me? Need to understand.
My step father was always an ***. Based on the way I was raised, I don’t like talking about it or acting like a victim. But by all standards, he was verbally abusive. A few times he got extremely close to being physically abusive, but he would stop last second before striking me when he would hear my mom or realize she was nearby.
Yet, it wasn’t all bad. He has been raising me since I was about 6-7. We had a close relationship while I was a child. Then as a teenager we grew further apart. Over the years he has become less aggressive, so the yelling matches and him cursing me out didn’t happen as much.
Then, I turned 18. He began to act completely different. I think I noticed this behavior when I turned 19. (That’s what I am now.) It first started when I got drunk with him. My mom was at work, we were just sitting around the house and he made me a drink. Of course I was gonna take it. Well, when I was drunk, he started to tell me about his kink.
I can’t remember why he started talking about it, but he did. He began to talk about his sexual fetish. Told me what he likes to do, that he does it all the time on purpose. I was just sitting there in shock. I kept telling him it wasn’t funny, I was taking it like some sick joke. He kept going, talking about how he likes the way it feels and all this sick stuff.
I did feel sick. I feel sick now. He started asking me “do you still love me?” “Do you still love me knowing I’m like this?” And I was just still in shock. I told him “I know we’re friends but I’m your daughter first. You shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
And what hurt me is that he said “No.” Like those years of raising me just went away cause I’m a legal adult now. He basically followed up with “No, you’re an adult now. We’re friends. We can talk about whatever we want. It’s different now.”
And then it got weirder. He keeps mentioning his kink around me, only when my mom isn’t around. He mentions it, makes jokes about it. And tells me about his previous sexual encounters before he married my mom, unprompted. And I keep telling him I don’t want to hear it. I literally say it’s gross and I don’t want to know. But he keeps going, no matter how much I cut him off and how stern I say it.
Then he flashed me. I was in the bathroom, helping my little sister take a bath. To explain this situation, we have two bathrooms in the house. My little sister only takes baths, and the master bathroom is the only one with a bathtub. So, everyone uses the main bathroom but my sister always takes a bath in the master bathroom.
He took a shower in the other bathroom, but walks in to put on clothes, in the master bedroom. As soon as he walked in, I immediately stood up to close the door. He flashed himself. Not his front, but his backside. He just slid the towel down and laughed when I screamed and shut the door.
Then, another time I was helping my little sister take a bath (my mom was at work, which is always the case when this happens). I kept the door shut this time because of the last incident. I couldn’t hear because of the water running. I thought he would’ve been done in the bedroom, and I needed to go grab something. So, I slowly opened the door and looked around in the bedroom to make sure he wasn’t there. But he was. He was standing there by his dresser on my right side and slid the towel down to flash me again. And then laughed when I screamed. I asked him “are you serious?” Through the door after I had already shut it. I was upset and he just laughed it off.
He keeps making jokes about that and jokes about him flashing me. I don’t understand if he’s grooming me. Or what he’s doing.
I’m confused because as far as my memory goes, he never was a pedophile or anything towards me when I was a kid. He never was creepy, it only started when I was 18. And he has never touched me inappropriately, so I’m just confused. I can’t understand what this is.
I know it’s wrong and disgusting but I just can’t understand. I don’t feel like he’s a pedophile, I still feel sympathy for him and I don’t know. I know this is creepy. But is it grooming?
@neatApple6986 It's hard for me to say for certain if this is grooming or not. It might be because he may try to push for more or get you drunk enough to take advantage of you. It's certainly not a healthy relationship. Since you were so young when he came into your life I would have hoped and think that he would still see you as a daughter. He helped raise you for years and now you're just "friends"?
@mytwistedsoul Yes, he only does this when my mom isn’t home. I agree, he is a creep. Thank you for your reply.
Dude! He’s a predator, no matter pedophile or not, he should be isolated from her asap! Are you joking?
@neatApple6986. I have been groomed before and his behavior is setting off alarms in my head for grooming!
@adventurousBranch3786 I’m very sorry that has happened to you. That’s what I was thinking of the behavior, but I don’t want to seem like I’m overreacting. Because I know so many people have it worse.
@neatApple6986. It doesn’t seem to like you are over reacting at all ❤️.
You’re definitely not, people may be insecure or whatever. But you’re 100 percent right, get some action, talk to mom, etc
Cops, whatever
@neatApple6986. I’m really sook up. Please be careful!
@adventurousBranch3786. *shook
@neatApple6986
From my own personal experience, yes, he is grooming you. He is trying to desensitize you. And, until you tell your mom and have her help you shut it down, it will probably get worse. If your mom is not a safe person, you need to find a safe person that you can go to or share this with. He is displaying predatory behavior. I am a grooming survivor and a high school teacher. This purposeful exposing of himself to you is sexually inappropriate and seems like a buildup to something worse. If you were my student, the first step would actually be to contact the authorities. There are some things that he can't be charged with now because you are over 18. And he appears to be taking advantage of that. His mood-switch when you became an adult (possibly because you are now old enough to get out on your own and escape him) is one of several major red flags. Your consistent no not causing him to back off is highly concerning. If you have people that you know that you can trust, involve them. You may need to find a new place to live to feel safe. Also, if you were to leave, would your little sister be safe?
@generousComputer6382 My little sister would be safe. He was never creepy when I was a child, on top of that I was always his ‘favorite’ so I think that’s why this situation is different. But I’m waiting to move out until my mom can figure out her job situation so she’ll be home with my sister. So, she’s okay.
I’ve told my mother some of the situation and she’s very angry. But we’re in a tough situation where she can’t just up and leave, and I won’t leave until everything is figured out so I’ll know my sister will be with my mom 24/7. She wanted to confront him, but I don’t know what he would do to me if he found out that I told on him. So, I just do my best to stay away from him for now.
Thank you for your advice. I’m sorry you have experienced grooming and I’m glad you’re a survivor of it.
@neatApple6986 I am glad that your mom is looking for a way out. Stay safe! Please reach out if you need to talk.
oh… so you told your mom
Regardless, this is a sexual harassment and should be prosecuted in fact. Any form of non consensual sexual misconduct is a crime
@neatApple6986 Hey Apple, it sounds like you're in a really tough spot, and it's completely understandable why you're so confused and feeling deeply unsettled by all of this. What he's doing now is absolutely not okay. Telling you about his personal kinks, flashing you, and then laughing when you're clearly distressed; that's a significant violation of your boundaries and your personal space. It's not a joke, and it's certainly not how a father figure should be acting, regardless of your age. You're right to feel like something is deeply wrong here. Whether it's "grooming" in the strictest sense or not, his behavior is manipulative and inappropriate. He's crossing lines, making you uncomfortable, and dismissing your feelings. That "we're friends now, we can talk about anything" line is a common tactic to blur boundaries and normalize concerning behavior. You're not imagining things, and your feelings are valid. This isn't normal, and it's not something you have to just accept. You've been clear about not wanting to hear it, and he's completely ignoring you, which is a major concern. The fact that it only started when you turned 18 doesn't make it any less disturbing; sometimes individuals wait until their victims are adults to engage in certain behaviors, knowing there might be fewer legal protections.
This is a very serious situation, and your safety and well-being are the absolute priority. First and foremost, consider talking to your mom. This might be the hardest part, but she needs to know what's happening. Even if it's incredibly difficult, she deserves to be aware of what her husband is doing. She might be in denial or scared, but sharing this with her is a crucial step. It's also important to set clear boundaries. You've tried, but you might need to be even more direct. For example, you could say, "If you talk about that again, I'm leaving the room/house," and then follow through with it. As much as possible, try to avoid being alone with him, especially when your mom isn't around. If you can help it, don't put yourself in situations where he has an opportunity to do this. You might also find it helpful to confide in someone you trust, a trusted aunt, uncle, grandparent, school counselor, or even a friend's parent. You don't have to carry this burden alone. If you feel up to it, document everything by writing down dates, times, and details of every incident. This can be helpful if you ever need to involve authorities or seek professional help. Finally, consider therapy. A therapist can help you process what's happening, develop coping mechanisms, and strategize how to navigate this difficult situation.
It is really common to feel a complex mix of emotions, including sympathy, for someone who has been a significant part of your life, even when their actions are harmful. But remember, his actions are his responsibility, and they are unacceptable. You have every right to feel safe and respected in your own home. We all want your safety first, and this community has your back!
OMG! Definitely grooming, of course! What an animal predator. 🤦♂️ get help asap, tell your mom, start from there, he should rot in jail for sure
This is all clear here
OMG! Definitely grooming, of course! What an animal predator. 🤦♂️ get help asap, tell your mom, start from there, he should rot in jail for sure
This is all clear here