Teenage years ripped away--nothing but darkness and filth
@limeBunny4364
It is very sad you had a front row seat to some extreme mental illness events and ....can not really blame her as she was very messed up. Has she gotten any help? Are you concerned about whatever her diagnosis might be is genetic? How did others cope? Your health was put at risk and living in horrible conditions where was help? or places you could have reached out to ?
Teen years are not all like movies and many people missed out for various reasons .... many having to do with dysfunctional families .... no money or put to work or take care of home as parent has illnesses both physical and mental .
I find it more difficult when we look back and can only imagine the best case scenario. That life would be rosy except for this had derailed you. I hope you can move past and celebrate your strength in making it through and being able to survive in situations most can never even imagine.
@limeBunny4364 Everything you describe makes my heart hurt for you. I’m sorry that you experienced such a terrifying situation as a teen, and that it’s creeped into adulthood in aspects of your physical and mental health. Mourning the loss of someone, your past self, is so incredibly valid. Even if you feel safe and physically well now, you’re recovering from trauma throughout a vulnerable time of your life. Even if your mom was having her own struggles in mental health, her lack of awareness of how it affected you doesn’t mean that it did not hurt you. That’s just to say you can care about her and her wellbeing, but ultimately it still was very damaging to you and you need to care for yourself. You are entitled to have feelings about what you missed out on, and what could have been. Now that you’re not in that living situation and physically feeling better, you might be in a new place to really think about and process these things in ways you haven’t in the past. That’s a good thing, but it can be a very difficult, lonely place to be.
I want to commend you on your strength and your awareness. At a young
impressionable age, you were navigating an array of challenges that many people
haven’t ever experienced. I have never experienced something like what you are
describing, and it makes me reflect on my teen years. I struggled a lot, with
comparatively a much more stable, safe, healthy living situation. I would have
been so overwhelmed and disheartened if I went through what you did. You
absolutely deserve time to process everything, including grief or mourning for
what was lost. Keep in mind it may get worse before it gets better, but in
healing often the worst parts mean that you’re making
progress in the right direction and are temporary. I’m glad you shared what’s been going on here,
and I hope you are able to continue to share with others and find support as
you process this. Please be encouraged to message me if you’d ever like to chat
more, my inbox is open.