I have visions, but I also have trauma, so I feel stuck.

Four years ago, I made the mistake of opening up to someone because the following year was the worst time of my life. Three years ago, people were ghosting me, avoiding me, excluding me, and spreading untrue rumors about me. Getting into graduate school saved my life.

When I started grad school two and a half (almost 3) years ago, I was trying to find my footing my entire first year. I tried getting to know a couple people, and they were bust. I got imposter syndrome a couple of fall seasons ago and tried to get through it (among other things) by myself. But everything I would do to make myself feel better made me feel worse. I asked a friend/classmate of mine for help about a year and a half ago, and their advise saved my career.

I'm a musician, and networking is quite important-especially when starting out. I do have limitations like not being able to drive and taking care of the doggo this past year before he passed away a couple weeks ago (100% worth it), but a theme I had throughout my whole life in various circumstances is that I'm not a priority to anyone. I didn't think interacting with other humans would be so hard, but here we are. And I'm learning that people....kinda do things that just benefit themselves?

For example, have any of you guys noticed throughout your lives that consent is a little more complex than what's taught? We all know the simple, "Person A asks Person B if they would like to do something; Person B doesn't say 'yes' or 'no,' which does not mean they consent; Person A does not do....whatever it was they were asking that Person B does not want to do."

But have you noticed there's a lot of "yes, but..." circumstances? Let's say there's a group of less than 5 people going out or something (on a walk, getting food...whatever the case may be), and someone in that group says, "the more the merrier," so a whole bunch of people, some of whom you know, join, so let's say you're in a group between 8-10 people. You're in the middle of the group that wants to join; not hiding in the back but also not in the faces of the original group, and one of the original group members says to you, individually, "just not you."....when that group said that more people could come.

I feel like that feeling happens to me a lot-probably because of my autism. I'm too much, not enough, too good, not good enough, etc. for anyone. Not even people I thought I was close to reached out to me. And, at this moment, I'm not concerned about the gigs or anything like that; it's people haven't reached out. One person even reached out to me a couple times for.....things like signing a get well soon card for someone else or whatever; if that person could do that, they can text me to check in, but no.

My mom thinks I've treated this past year as a "vacation" when I'm just trying to figure out how I fit into thr world since no one prioritizes me. I would love to still perform in music, but it's hard to do when you feel like no one wants you.