Stress is hitting me at the worst moment

Trigger warning: violence

I have an oral due Monday. I'm going to speak in front of a jury of professors for school. We had to choose a subject, and I choose it based of some exposition I saw, that marked me. Tho I wanted to talk about something deeper, like I wanted to talk about education, I don't know how, or the artistes that criticize it, because it's what I care the most about right now. But I thought it was too grandiose. Then, of course, time came to write my text. And right, no, of course, I didn't prepare it a week in advance like everybody else. Of course no. We're two days ahead, and I still haven't quite started. The worst? I knew that it was going to be like that. I KNEW. But the weirdest thing is how delusional I was, feeling no stress at all, thinking " yeah having fun is more important than school work anyway" and acting like I have so much time ahead. I even told myself I wasn't like them, and I actually don't need much time to do great. Like I forgot the panic attacks that come before I did " great" ! And now, saturday, I woke up late, and the stress came back.

Who better than my narcissistic mother to trigger stress ? The worst of all, she managed to make me feel like it's all my fault. I had an amazing day, the only really good one this week, until she decided to ruin it. She asked me if I wanted to go to the restaurant, knowing I had a big oral Monday. I wanted to say no, but she then said we were going to my favorite restaurant. I was hella suspicious. Why would she want me to go to the restaurant so bad? But right, I only had food in my mind, and I said yes. Then, the trap close off on me. I had all the occasions to refuse. I needed to work. I needed rest. But I followed her and my sister. Dumb dumb dumb! My mind wants to scream. My body to cry. My lungs to sing. But I can not. Because the neighbors don't like singing. And my own " family " don't want to hear me play piano. Since that moment , everything went wrong. She started criticizing my not-so-golden- sister's way of eating, looking and talking and I was there feeling judged and trying to ignore her bs. When we returned home, I forgot what led me to that, but I know she hella attacked me. She was yelling like always. I pushed the door of the car on her. She thought my intentions were even worse then they were. She pushed me to go away of the house door. I said she couldn't push me. She then poured all the food we didn't finish at the restaurant in the ground with her feet, and went away for a little. I was alone with my sister. And I hate so much how I behaved. She yelled insultively at me, and tried to push me with her legs, as if I didn't belong to this house. So I took her violently by the hair and she started crying. The cleaning lady who works in the house and I used to have convos with, that I thought somewhat liked me, saw my sister and heard how agressive and bad I was from my mother. Poor my sister, she thought. I went in my bedroom, I cried calmly to not be heard, and I felt all the shame, guilt and anger. Shame for falling in the trap, guilt for hitting my sister, anger for how we're treated and the lies birthgiver tells.

I did not work. And I'm back at not knowing what to do. I don't want to think I'm a brutal person. I hate everything.