A Raven's Eye
This is simply to open my "page" or diary. I may not write here for a bit.
~SpruceRaven
I truly sincerely deeply wish I had never been born.
The pearl....doesn't exist
And the oyster died too.
@SpruceRaven I am so sorry for the hurt and pain that you are suffering and am sending you many hugs! I know you will begin to find your way if you continue searching. I have hope for you!! It must feel scary and confusing to feel as though someone else has completely robbed you of your self and safety. I see a person who has been a compassionate support to others here and that might be something to remember....that kindness and empathy exist in your identity of self ❤️
@purpleWest8143 Thank you.
I'm just done. I can't afford the fantasy anymore. I have to be okay being alone...being a one person show. I was once....i need to be again.
It's the expectation or fantasy that it could be otherwise thst is damaging me.
I can....at some point be of value to others in aiding them
I have very little hope or illusion that I will ever simply be loved or valued for my own sake and in my own right.
@SpruceRaven
At a loss for words. It's obvious you're struggling. I hope that someday you'll realize that you're worth more than those negative programs and thoughts are telling you. Do what you think is best, Raven. I do know that a lot of folks will miss you. Myself included. It was nice having another bird around. Sending positive vibes and prosperity of all kinds your way. You'll be in my thoughts.
@CaloenasNicobarica I held out for decades believing i was worthwhile...that one day i would be valued for myself and not just what i can do for others.
I am worthwhile. Strong. Resilient. Talented. Smart. Caring. Nonjudgemental.organized. Creative. Great un a crisis.
People want the services snd info. Not the person.
@SpruceRaven I get this idea of being ok with being alone. Like taking the time to heal and be healthy, to develop love for ones self? Sort of like the idea that if you dont take care of yourself first, you wont have anything to give to others- is that sort of what you mean?
@purpleWest8143 Re being alone...
Not entirely....of course one needs to replenish from within.
AND....i have been alone ...without the emotional support of others....for nearly my entire life.
(I told you I was strong).
Coming here has been one of the only times i felt heard or seen...
What has changed....is I can no longer afford the fantasy that other humans will ever want me more than fleetingly in their lives
@purpleWest8143 Support does come in many forms. And i guess I am saying I get myself into trouble....even a hole of despair if I exoect it to come in a human package.
I have veen very foetunate to have alot of synchronicity in my life? To have the solace nurturance and strength of nature and companionship of animals; to be someone who is largely self entertaining and truly does not mind being alone nor see it as a bad thing.
It's probably just my ego that wants to be special enough to be loved just for being. And maybe I'm fooling myself about what I have to offer too.
It would be great if somewhere the world could give a positive proactive indication of/reason for why I'm here.
@SpruceRaven sorry to post again, I wanted to add another thought. I agree that it is important to a certain degree for us all to ok with being alone. But I think it is also a necessary emotional need for us all to feel supported - however that might be. Sometimes it might drain our cup too much to be supporting others and it might be time to focus on getting our own cup filled. Does this speak to you? Because I would hate for to think that you need to struggle alone. Support can come in many ways....
@purpleWest8143 if i have to wait for someone else to love me to heal and be okay. I may never get there. It is a human thing sure. Doesnt mean it always happens.
No one believes me.
I. Have. No. One.
@purpleWest8143 you are very kind to post with such care and at such length. I don't want uou to feel attacked by the state I am in. It is a great gift you are giving.
Yes...i see the irony and my own contradiction here. 🙃🤔🙂
@SpruceRaven I think I understand the predicament. Because yes, we do need to be ok with ourselves, to be alone, to learn to love ourselves. To not NEED someone else to fill our holes - we have to heal those on our own.
But I truly believe that we all deserve to feel love and support in our lives. I do not feel attacked. Im asking questions because Im trying to understand where youre at and I guess ultimately I want to know if theres anything I can actually do that will allow you to feel this or accept this from me and the others here. I think that there are a few of us here that do accept YOU with zero expectations of anything in return.
I am glad that you have some fur friends for support but if it would also be helpful to feel as though you have support from others too... I am a REAL person remember. I know we cant meet in real life, and I may not be online forever , but for now Im here......
This isnt poor self esteem. I'm sharing my experience here.
I could literally die tomorrow and untl the body began to stink; my dog began to howl or the rent came due....it wouldn't occur to anyone to look, know, or care.
I could be bleedung out in front of someone...and they would stiil think i don't need anything.
Yeah....i'd prob be a great counselor. And have been.
Doesnt mean i would be valued for me though. Just the support i provide.
Sharing....all this mess..IS me aski g for support or acceptance. IS me being vulnerable.
Ive only been on this site for 3 months. I see....people going out of their way for one another.
I...can be forceful....perhaps particularly when I'm in crisis.
So....if i leave ....i don't think anyone will really miss me.
@SpruceRaven
If you leave I will miss you tremendously.. You are a beautiful and kind person. You have so much strength and resilience. You are worth so so much love and support Raven.. I am here for you sending you big hugs and so much love 
@calmLake1999 Thanks. Truly.
@calmLake1999 I'll miss you too. All of you.
@calmLake1999 Just wanted you to know how much this meant.
I have indeed decided it's time to move forward in a different way.
I will miss you too! I've enjoyed our conversations and I hope I was of some support. I regret we won't get to talk more.
I wish you every good thing there is...especially health safety support courage strength centeredness roots and wings. You already jave them in fact. I've seen it!
Be well Calm. You are a lovely soul and deserve tje best. Rhank you for sharing paet of your jpurney with me, and for being a part of mine.
@calmLake1999 Just wanted you to know how amzing this was. Such lovely things to hear. Thank you.
@calmLake1999
"If you leave I will miss you tremendously.. You are a beautiful and kind person. You have so much strength and resilience. You are worth so so much love and support Raven.. I am here for you sending you big hugs and so much love "
Thank you for this post back on 16 March. I'm finally leaving.
Wish you well.
I may close this thread. Go awsy. Tuck myself bsck inside. Come back with a diffetent name and better self control.
I mean no one any dissrespect when i say....i may have healed as far as i am able.
I do not really default to associating the word communit and family with health or support. This is my own failing.
I am feeling very exposed right now. Have ...i think opened up far too much....told too much truth....and this is when even the greatest souls tend to turn away. Espec since i have admitted i have no one. People find that suspicious. Are less likely to want me around having shared that. Even if they did prior.
Okay. So it's 7pm in Alaska on March 16th. And all sorts of times and even dates elsewhere in the world.
I'm going away until at least March 24th or 25th (my time and geolocation) and will not be checking this site.
I have to revisit the idea of whether a public diary is a good tool for me....it may still be but not as a first line raw expression of what's happening for me.
For anyone who has felt hurt harmed slighted or ignored it was never my intention.
I will additionally say that it is more easy than not to miss a communication from another member than it is to find, receive and respond to it in a timely fashion. THIS may just be part of the nature of online communication, idk.
Well wishes to one and all.
@SpruceRaven be well ! I posted above if you didnt see it. Im having trouble getting and responding to posts as well. I wasnt offended by anything. I also dont expect anything. I would just like to know what I COULD do to be supportive for you??
Ill still be here when you come back as will the others ❤️❤️❤️
@purpleWest8143 I may not be back.
@SpruceRaven if this IS what you need to do, you dont owe anyone here anything and you DO need to be true to yourself. I just want you to know that there are people here who want to be supportive to you, if and WHEN youre ready or able to accept. You in your perfectly imperfect ness with no strings attached. Because you deserve to have support ❤️ Youve ALWAYS deserved it.
@purpleWest8143 I really want to believe that West. And felt like I was getting a lot of grace from all of you and that Wize and I were and would work through and past the misunderstanding. I was doing my best to still do what i needed be vulnerable and claim whst what ws happening and still by some grace have all of you be sble to hold a space for that and let me be where I was.
But...Storm's last post....hit me very hard and I don't feel it's safe to be vulnerable here in this way anymore.
I have seen many of the rest of thr prople i have most been in contact with....i have seen each of them be vulnerable messy, ...even make mistakes with one another....
And still...be there for each other, still not leap to the easiest worst or most painful interpretation, still forgive each other, look for the best, give support no matter what, build even stronger bonds....
I can't have a mental breakdown and worry about defending myself in the midst of it. Just...can't.
@SpruceRaven @SpruceRaven Ill have to say Im sorry as I dont know exactly what was said but, whatever happened... you do not need to defend yourself in your own diary. If youre sharing your feelings and where youre at, thats your truth.
That being said, I know the feeling of needing to defend ones statements or thoughts can be a different issue as I have also grappled this phenomena recently. I would like to think that we all just want to try our best to be supportive to one another (when we feel able), but were human, are not trained therapists, are all struggling on our own and learning how to navigate the world through the lens of trauma pasts and hell were going to F$@ up at times even with the purest intentions.
Youve stated you dont feel like you have any current support in the real world? Have you felt supported here at all? Do you think it might be worth taking some small risks to start building up that feeling of support? I personally really liked what Wize did on her diary page today - how she layed out some ground rules of what she needed to keep her space feeling safe for her. Would doing something like this for you, allow you to feel safer using this still?
@purpleWest8143 I HAD been feeling very supported, seen appreciated, valued, heard, liked. Also that I was giving back.
So when i strarted to fall apart...i shared all of it. How I felt. When other people had their own reactions to it...i guess i should have just walked away then. Instead i stayed...or tried to....owned my stuff tried to clarify where i was coming fom ....still hanging on by the skin of my teeth...feeling like i was begging.
Anyway...like i say it was an epic fail...a huge mistake and i never should have done it.
@purpleWest8143
Ah West... no second chances it seems.
@purpleWest8143 It really does feel like there are alot of strings.....I'm just not up for being the villain again. If I wanted that I could still be cosied up to.my brother's gaslit fire or to one of my scary exes. I just can't do this....i needed to ve able to say how i was feeling snd have you guys stay. I feel punished for.being vulnerable.
@SpruceRaven Im so sorry that whatever has taken place has left you feeling like this. Im at a loss for words Raven. Im sending you many hugs and hoping you can find some peaceful thoughts tonight. Im really sorry that you feel like opening up was a mistake.
@purpleWest8143 Thank you very much.
You are very kind.
Yes it was a huge mistake and epic fail on every facet.
@purpleWest8143 It really meant alot to me. MEANS alot. I'm grateful to you.
@purpleWest8143
It would have passed
@SpruceRaven
I'll miss you, Raven. We talked only for few days, but I already care about you and I'm sad that you're leaving.
Please know that I truly care about you, and I'm sure others here do too. I just want to make you feel better, I never expected anything in return. I was hoping this could be your nest where you could stay and feel safe. But it's okay, you don't need to justify your emotions.
I won't stop you because I feel that it would only make you feel more trapped in a place where you don't feel understood.
Do what's best for you 
I wish you happiness and peace, Raven. I'll think about you.
@lonelyandsickFede How very kind of you to drop by and say goodbye Fede. Thank you.
I truly regret that we didnt get to talk more and that I won't be able to be here to support you and get to know you better.
Thank you for your comfort and for wanting me to feel okay.
There is so much available on this site...and I hope you will find much support and aid and healing steadying growth here.
I just need to find a different way forward.
I will keep you in my thoughts. May every good thing come to you. Best best wishes.
@SpruceRaven
Thank you, Raven I wish you a peaceful, nice, happy life!!
I know I may sound a bit corny, but I'm really glad we met :) I'll treasure the short time we spent together here.
I hope you can find a place you can truly call home and feel as loved as you deserve to be.
Know that if you ever need someone, no matter how suddenly, you can contact me. I'll be happy to talk with you again!
Until then.. Goodbye, friend I'll miss you
@lonelyandsickFede Oh My! Soooo amazing. What a gift you are! I'll copy rhis out and take it with me too. I'll miss you too Fede. Thank you my friend. 💓🙄🌈🌞
@SpruceRaven *many many hugs*
Oh, uhm.. before you go, you might.. uh.. you might wanna check my feed 
Just, uhm.. A little goodbye gift for a friend
@lonelyandsickFede and...I'll remember your offer. Good friends are the most precious thing in the world.
@lonelyandsickFede Hope you get these lasts posts to you. This diary will be deleted when my account is deactivated in a few days.
What's done is done. Can't change it.
I'll make my other decisions a week from now.plus.
Thanks for talking with me further.
Raven flies away, leaving a acent of snow-kissed spruce.
@SpruceRaven
Thanks for the well wishes, Raven. Figure I'd come and say good bye before this gets deleted.
Sounds like you've made up your mind.
I hope you find a rebellious freedom amongst the clouds out there in Alaska. May you find your true voice, peace, and prosperity of all kinds. You'll be in my thoughts.
@CaloenasNicobarica Thank you Cal. I'm sad to go but it does seem the best choice. Probably for everyone.
I will miss getting to know you better. I wish you the very best and hope that i was a support and positive presence to and for you more than not.
You are so amazing. And I love your sense of humor. Thank you for all you shared and all tou gave.
Thank you for the flying and prosperous rebelliousness wishes. I never told you I don't think, but tje Raven pic in my Profile is one of a Raven who lives in a tall Spruce tree right near my house.
Sometimes he happens to fly right alongside my car as I drive away in the morning. He has even had some incredible timing in cawwing quite loudly in the morning....when I also have coincidentally overslept my alarm.
It may juat be my fanciful imagination...vut I like how it makes me feel.
We had fresh snow last night. It was so lovely to take a walk in it earlier today.
Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.
Never forget how amazing and deserving of all good things you are.
I'll miss you.
