Lost Childhood
I'll make sure this isn't too graphic, but I'll put a trigger warning as a precaution.
*sighs* I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse by my father. I can't remember how young I was when it started, but I was either in kindergarten or first grade when it started happening. It would happen on the weekends when my step mom was gone at work. My dad used to be a truck driver and he would take me with him. He would do things to me. I won't go into too much detail because I don't want to trigger those who read this. After my dad stopped being a truck driver, he continued doing those things to me. I finally reached out to my friends and teachers in middle school. I can't remember what grade that was. The police came and talked to me and my friends. I left school that day and came home to the police talking to my dad and step mom. I was told to go to my room. The police then talked to me in my room. After the police left, my dad and step mom were very angry at me and grounded me. Later that night, my dad told me no one would believe me and that it would be our little secret. The abuse continued to happen. I would tell him no and told him to stop it like he told me to do, but he never stopped. He even tried doing things to me when I was on my period. That was the only thing that would stop him.
I never got to enjoy a normal childhood. I feared the weekends. I was grounded from being in my room for extended amounts of time. So I feared my room because the abuse would happen in my room. My room was the only place I felt safe when growing up, but the abuse made me fearful of being safe. I now have insecurites about being believed and trusted. I feel like I constanty have to be on guard from my feelings. I don't actively think about my thoughts or feelings unless something really bugs me.
The PTSD causes me to have anger outbursts and I get violent and physical. I've done things that I regret. I've hurt my fiancee and her sister. Living with this past hurts and I can't deal with how it is affecting me and the people cloest to me.
@shadowmere14
Thank you so much for telling us your story. That could not have been easy to write out, you have an unbelievable amount of strength. The breach of trust from CSA by a father is one of the most extreme. Some perpetrators act penitent about their actions, and others double down with intimidation. Yours doubled down over and over... it must have been terrifying living with these secrets for so long, especially considering that when you tried to reach out, it only seemed to make things worse. It is not fair that when you reached out for help you got burned so badly, I am SO ANGRY on your behalf that you did not get the help you needed. I am so so sorry that the world has dealt you this hand. Your father is a cruel man, your mother should have listened, and the police should have helped you.
You deserved to be rescued. You deserved to have people believe you. Anger makes a lot of sense in the face of all this injustice. I find myself sensitive over certain things, like when I feel ignored or abandoned. It is sometimes difficult to not blame people for doing things that hurt us, even if it wasn't intentional. I find that trauma survivors... we are so hyper aware of other people's feelings, because we were never afforded that courtesy, and we expect everyone's empathy to be on our level and are frustrated when it isn't.
It is horrible that your safety was taken from you. My abuse never happened in any one place... so my room, and especially my closet, are my refuge... but that being said... I never go back to my house anymore. I don't visit my parents at the house. I only stop in for 5 minutes maximum, or I stay outside. I've had to establish a lot of boundaries with people to enhance my safety.
Do you have anything in your life that helps you feel safe? Any tools or coping strategies? Have you seen a therapist for your PTSD before? Share as much or as little as you need, we will be here all the same <3
@Hoxenos
You're welcome. Thank you for even taking the tome to respond to me. All my life people have told me I'm strong. I believe I am strong, but I feel weak a lot of times. I have a lot of issues with reaching out due to that experience. Those things happened to me for a reason, and it's up to me to figure out what that reason is. None of my parents listened to me when I was a kid. My dad, step mom, or mom never listened. They never seemed to care.
I feel sensitive to almost everything. I take a lot of things personally. I don't mean to, it just happens. That makes so much sense about being hyper aware of other people's feelings. I'm super awarenof my fiancee's feelings, but hardly aware of my own.
May I ask what happened? Me and my fiancee's room is my safe place. I feel safe and protected. I sometimes go into our closet when I'm really scared. I haven't visited my dad in years, and I haven't visited my mom in a couple of years. They cause so much stress.
Yes I have things that make me feel safe. I have teo stuffed animals from when I was younger that I hold. I find myself blocking out those feelings and distancing myself. I don't mean to. It's just what I've done all my life. My fiancee helps me feel safe, but I push her away because I don't want to hurt her.
Yes I've seen a therapist before. I saw a few, but stuck with one for almost a year. He helped to a degree. I just felt like I needed time to implement the tools that were given to me. I was also put on a mood stabilizer and something else, but they caused more harm than good, so I stopped taking them.
Tools, being mindful and aware. I really need to work on that more. Here lately I've been writing when I haven't written in years. Most of the time I play video games to ease my mind. For some reason, I'm able to process the things in my subconscious after I play video games after awhile. I've learned to stop using video games as a crutch. I used to use them to completely block out all thoughts and feelings. Now I use them to process my thoughts and feelings. I also went to the gym and that helped, but this semester has really taken up my time and energy. I haven't been to the gym since the summer. I want to go back.
Thank you for being here and listening.
@shadowmere14
It's no problem at all. I also play videogames to cope and I also have had less than reliable success at knowing when to stop when I should. I play mostly MOBAs and before I played games, I read all day every day. I am very susceptible to escapist behaviours because for so long... I did not want to be me, I did not want to be in my skin. I've been thinking a lot lately about dissociation and how it starts, and I really feel like this self-aversion is a key ingredient for a lot of dissociation.
I just want to be clear before I potentially talk about triggering things, were you asking what happened to me? I'm very open about my experiences but I don't want to go there if you didn't mean to ask.
I think that pushing people away is a normal response when we also want to be pushing ourselves away. We say other people don't understand and it feels frustrating and angering to not be listened to or for people to not just KNOW without us having to say. It can be frustrating to outline every single thing about ourselves when it is already painful to have to think about ourselves at all. It's hard to let others in when we barely let ourselves in, I find.
@Hoxenos
I was the same way with books and video games. Especially books. Books helped me escape my feelings and problems, and I felt better after being immersed in a world that wasn't my own. Video games are the same way. I get immersed and used to get to the point where I didn't want to leave that woorld because I didn't want to deal with the pain. Dissociation is really hard to get a grasp on. I struggled with dissociation for a long time, I sometimes slip into it and not realize it. I think you're on the right path with the self aversion.
I didn't want to be in my skin either. I went through a small identity crisis. I felt like the Pokemon Ditto for a long time. I wasn't really allowed to think for myself growing up. I felt like I had to adapt and morph into the person that everyone else wanted me to be instead of being the person I wanted to be.
Yes I was asking you what happened to you. I understand topics can be triggering and that's okay. It helps talking about it easier.
I agree with the letting others in when we barely let ourselves in. I've struggled with trust issues for a good majority of my life. I don't like letting myself in because I don't want to deal with the pain and reliving all the memories again every time that I do let myself in. But not letting myself in just makes things worse.
@shadowmere14 Thank you so much for sharing this. I have had a very similar experience to you and your experience really resonated with me. I will also put a trigger warning on this post to be safe.
I was also sexually abused by my father from as young as three years old. I don't really remember that long ago but I remember that the first time something weird happened I was in preschool. I was 3 at that time. The sexual abuse continued from him, unknown by my mother and little brother. It first became rape in second grade. I never spoke a word about it until I was 13 years old, middle school like you. I had anorexia and was admitted to the hospital for a low heart rate. One thing led to the next and I had a psychotic episode du to medication(my only psycotic episode ever.) they sent me down to the psych unit and eventually my fathers abuse got out. I had told another patient and they told someone, but they innacurately reported details. when I talked to CPS I was chalk full of meds and I just agreed with everything they said. I don't know quite what I or the other patient said to cause this. But I was not believed. I stayed in hospitals for a year to avoid him but now im out and Im going to be forced to live with him.
@hoping4goodtimes
You're welcome. Thank you for reaching out and saying something. How old are you now? Just know that you aren't alone. You can brave through this. Be assertive and say no. If he still tries doing anything, go to the police. You shouldn't have to be subjected to that. No one does. I'm always here and I know there are plenty of nice people here on 7 Cups to talk to as well. If you need anything at all, please don't hesitate to reach out.
