My Childhood Trauma
Im not quite sure how to begin. I have never told a single soul about my childhood trauma. After all these years I have managed to forget a lot of it. Im not sure if Ive totally forgotten or if my mind has just buried it in the deepest corner, but Ive come to realize that trying to suppress the memories hasnt helped me. Its sttill there and i know that in order to heal I need to face it. Ever since I can remember, probably since my earliest memories from when I was 5, my father sexually abused me. He would come into my room at night and put his hand in my underwear and touch me. As I got older, the abuse progressively started getting worse and worse. When I was about 12, he began to rape me. He would find an excuse to make me stay home when my mom would go out and he would come in my room and do disgusting things to me I dont want to remember. I never got to have a normal innocent childhood. He robbed me of my innocence. And I never got to have a normal relationship with my dad, I never got to have a father. I was scared of him. No one in the world has ever scared me as much as he did. Because of him I felt disgusting and unworthy. I never dated anybody when I was younger and i never worse revealing clothing. I was ashamed of my body because I was ashamed of what was happening to me. I felt guilty, like somehow it was my fault for having this body. I couldnt understand why this was happening to me, and to this day I still cant understand how its possible for a father to do this to his own daughter. I have 2 kids now, but I am a single mom. And I struggle to find a partner because I am afraid that he might do the same to my daughter. I pray that I am able to heal from this. To anyone reading this, I would just like to thank you for being a part of this amazing community where i can share my story. In my 23 years I have never been able to tell anyone about this and you cant understand how freeing it is to finally share my story with someone. Its like Im taking a weight off my shoulders that Ive been carrying around my whole life. Thank you and bless you all.
@Caterpillar0314
You are so brave for sharing this with us. It could not have been easy to get this off your chest. The self loathing and disgust you feel is common in this community. I personally don't like to shower. I don't like having to see my body, touch it, or be naked in general. There are many little things that end up all adding up because of our body memories or the resulting fears and panic that comes from experiencing those memories. Things that other people don't have to think about, like showering, is suddenly a chore. Places where we are supposed to be able to get comfort, like in our family, has been stolen from us. I'm happy that you came to 7cups because it means that you can get some support here that is perhaps not available where it should be in your life.
I understand your fear of finding a partner. I think it's a really understandable reaction to have in this situation. That being said, you know the signs to look for. You are not your mother, you are you. With your knowledge and your experiences. You know how to protect your children because you know what can happen.
Thanks again for sharing and remember you can use this forum whenever you need. We are here for you *hugs*
@Caterpillar0314
So brave for sharing!!! It is truly sad what is stolen from us as children when things like this happen. I am 42 and in the last couple years I have been unable to push it down any longer. The hardest thing for me to realize, and I am still struggling with it, is WHY?? Why me? What did I do wrong? The truth is we didn't do anything, it's not our fault. It is their sickness. I have had the help of a great therapist this last year and have worked through some books and workbooks. Don't give up on your healing. There will be truly shitty days, but then there will be days of peace, knowing you are doing the right thing for you and your children! You have made a conscience chose to stop this behavior moving forward in your family. You should feel so proud and strong and brave for reaching out. Sending love your way!
@Caterpillar0314 Thank you for sharing this. I went through sexual abuse from my dad from 3 years to 13 years old. It evolved into rape by 2nd grade. I am not yet an adult yet and CPS or the police hasn't believed me. I have to live with him for three more years. The abuse no longer occurs because my mom found out. She doesnt believe me, but she keeps an eye on him. I don't know how I can keep living like this, seeing him everyday. Hearing that you are past this, as much as you can be. And that you have a life, it gives me hope.
@hoping4goodtimes I am so sorry you are going though this. 
Don't really know what to say but that I belive in you and that I am proud of you for reaching out and for keeping going despite all those people that have faild you. Sending lots of love <3 <3
