My Spot
This will be my secret writing spot to write what is on my heart.
@WorkingitThrough2 So glad you've found a space to let things out! ❤
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thanks❤️
@WorkingitThrough2
So frustrated with how things are going but I keep trying to see everything in a positive light. Yet I feel like I am lying to myself.
@WorkingitThrough2
Hello Self: Boy things have been a bit hectic but they are moving right along. Not being able to sleep much but that is because I am stressed above my normal level and insiders are creeping around and being kind of ugly with their mouths. So far unaware of a name but I know it is a male figure. I have got to figure out how to communicate with this one. But the lack of communication is mostly my own fault for being in denial.
Today I am making a Solar Pool heater, things were going pretty well until I asked my husband to drill two holes in the sides of the boxed wooden frame. Big mistake. He bent the Plex hose and got a kink in it that would not come out. I had to take all my piping lose and start all over. I guess I could not get angry with him, my fault for asking him to do it when I know that he just won't do want I ask he does things his way and messes up/ I guess I had wishful thinking.😂
@WorkingitThrough2
Hello self: Today has been pretty eventful for me. Several unusual things have occurred. I do not wish to put them down in the journal yet.
I know that I have not been myself most of the day. I believe that someone else is fronting?
@WorkingitThrough2
I went to therapy today and my therapist asked me to read the book "MakingDissociation Simple by
@WorkingitThrough2
I downloaded the workbook and have not yet started the work. So far this book has given me so much information that I can really understand and hopefully begin to practice. I have got to share this book with my Therapist to see what she thinks.
After doing some reading I am still not totally convinced that I have DID. I am struggling with that🤔
@WorkingitThrough2
Today I am just thankful to be alive. My nephew got shot by a family member. So sad😭😭
@WorkingitThrough2
Today I am just thankful to be alive. My nephew got shot by a family member. So sad😭😭
@WorkingitThrough2
drove to therapy today and worked putting mulch in flowerbeds
Saturday
I went to a social womens group where we all colored and fellowshipped. I had a great time and met lots of new people/ Have not done this for a very long time😊
Sunday I stayed home and did not go to church. One of my old friends called and said they were coming over but they never showed up.
I found out they had to take her to the hospital, not sure how or what has happened.
@WorkingitThrough2
Lord so much rain, it has been raining for a couple of days and for me, it seems to sap me of all my energy. All I want to do is lay around and do nothing productive at all. This makes me feel like a lazy slob. Yet everyone that comes to my home tells me how emasculate my house is. They don't know the story that drives me to keep up this fasod that was placed on me as a child growing up. "EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE AND EVERYTHING HAS A PLACE", drilled and beat into my head daily. Striving to be perfect is an unreachable goal but I find myself locked and taunted by still trying to perform this task cause that is what Mama said to do.
Mom you died in the body but you are still tormenting my head and my life. In so so many ways, I now know the truth but yet I cannot separate myselves to stop. It's a vicious cycle spiraling daily.
Like being on a roller coaster that frightens me to death but I am not the Operator and can not turn the ride off nor bring it to a screeching halt. Splitting and dividing my brain never seems to be at rest nor feels peace.
As the adult that I am, I should have more control over my actions and my thoughts but it is too
divided. I go and bathe and spray on the perfume and put on the pretty outfit hoping to dress up and cover up the foul stench that seeps through as if all is ok. Only to find it as a temporary distraction from the true reality that things still stink.🤔
@WorkingitThrough2
I am feeling conflicted today, I think I may be dealing with a part. I wish I knew why being in a car is so daunting and scary to part of me. I get so afraid and just want to cry cry cry. I am a nervous wreck by the time I get to my destination. Now I am not in the car but still have this feeling of just wanting to boo-whoo what the crap is causing this?
I have Therapy this morning and I have been unable to sleep. Soon it will be time to go and I am weary.
It is times like this that I wish I had had a mother to talk to about the things I feel. I wish that she would have allowed me in her life. But instead, she chose to blame me for everything her husband did to me. So I learned that there were no safe people, so I kept everything inside. Now, I am old and dealing with all my childhood trauma. Parts of me that have been torn away from me to keep me safe. It feels like trying to teach an old dog new tricks. Mom always thought that I was less than a dog anyway. I learned to accept that and try to make the most out of what I could. I believe that I can relate to Prisoners who have been locked up for many years now being released into a world that seems new and strange. Having to learn from scratch how to survive in this world. My life has drifted away from me, and I am just beginning to learn that I have a voice and that I am human with feelings. That I have every right to speak my truths. They are all gone except for one, I think.
Yet the fear and the feelings of not being worthy to breathe God's air still ring loud and clear in my ears. Turn up the music, and turn the volume up on the TV. Drown out all the noise. Silence the voice of Mom. She is gone and can not hurt you anymore. You were never hers anyway. It was so long ago and yet it feels like yesterday so so real..sinking back in time.
@WorkingitThrough2 Content Warning **Night Terrors**
Another night with an inability to sleep. Maybe a lot of ruminating going on, but I am not sure. I have been striving for such a long time, trying to put the pieces together of my life. However, there seem to be so many fragmented parts missing, which makes no sense to me. I ask myself why it is taking me so long to move forward and leave my past in the past. My answer is that too many loose ends are undefined or vague.
Yet I have always just tried to keep the stuff swept under the rug rather than dealing with it because, well, I am not sure, maybe the pain or the fear or the truth that I feared to face. The reality of it all is that it happened, and I still am in denial. It feels like a bad dream that you cannot pull yourself out of. How many times have I woke up only to find that I really had not woke up? I was in an altered state of dreaming. I could see my surroundings, and I could even see my husband moving around in the room. I tried to yell to him to touch me or shake me and get me out of this, but he could not hear me. There I lay in the midst of this horrible night terror, and I was paralyzed, but I had a voice that only I could hear. Demons were chasing me, and they were after my life. I ran and ran, but they got closer and closer to catching me, so I had to resort to what I knew to do, and that was to fly. I could not fly high, but I could get high enough not to be able to be reached. So I took flight up and in the sky, through the trees and away, whilst the demons ran after me, reaching and trying to snatch me out of the sky. Then I began to get tired, and I was getting lower and lower to the ground and in reach of my pursuers. Suddenly, I woke myself up kicking and almost fell out of bed. I was shaking, and my heart was racing.
I asked my husband did you not hear me calling you and reaching for you? he said no. That told me another truth: he ain't got your back.
Con""T...
@WorkingitThrough2 **TW ** death
I got a call a few hours ago that they found my sister unresponsive, and later, she was gone. We had really started talking by phone over the past few years. From the time I met them, I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open. That was never reciprocated. Yes, I got adopted away from them, but we had the same mother. Both mothers were abusive, but I wanted to feel I belonged somewhere and that If I ever found my birth mom, she would be so happy, and I could get the love I never had. A sense of feeling I finally feel cared for, and they would be my long lost family, and we would live happily ever after. Was I ever wrong? It did not happen at all.
How am I to process the lack of grief that taunts me right now? They have been leaving here one by one, and they were younger than I. Mother gave birth to 16 children. She half-raised 6 of them, which is the younger ones. Too drunk or too permissions to care, I guess. While her male friends made her daughters their prizes. My whole life has been lived in trauma; even now, the madness has never stopped. I have just had to find ways to make the best of my life as it is. You can not heal what you are still living under. I do a good job of trying to keep that under the radar. I will be 72 on November 21st, and I have not found my way to heal as of yet, so I guess this will follow me till I am planted.
How can I have a positive outlook when things are all the same? Just put on that happy face, and no one can see who or what is behind that mask, or does it even matter?
@WorkingitThrough2
To be honest with myself or the way I think and feel..... Healing at this point in my life is an illusion. I think that I may also be pushing myself into an early grave whilst everyone else continues the madness.
My only reality of anyone listening or even trying to understand has only come from this website. Yes, I have had a few collisions here on 7cups, but I have always found enough support to rise above any misunderstanding. So sad that I can not talk to the members of my home but they make light of anything I say so why waste my breath?
My insiders will go along with me never being understood and never being able to come together. How sad is that/ I can not be a mother to them when I don't know how, and neither do I want to. Tell me that is not messed up😢.I feel so out of my element and estranged from myself.
Walking around here with my mask on yet knowing this is not the real me. Feeling like a
perpetrator. Just as I was perpetrated on. Is there a difference between them or I? NO, we lie.
I am in my headspace to heavy, We got to go
@WorkingitThrough2
I don't know if it is possible that this outside me is being pulled inside out. Like me, I know and am somehow being sucked into herself. Feelings of weepiness flood over me for no reason then I am like this vacuum *** up dirt and being pulled inside.
Merry Christmas To all
@WorkingitThrough2 
@adventurousBranch3786
I needed this today. Thank you
@WorkingitThrough2 and a Happy New Year 🎉
@wontwakewontsleep
Gade to see you, and thank you so much❤️
yey.. we made it through to the New Year 😊
Anxiety levels are off the chart right now. Confusion is running rampant in my head. After long silence treatment from inners, who but who has surfaced? Precious no longer wants the name Hortense; she wants to be called Precious. I can live with that. Why now is she coming out and telling me parts of her trauma experiences? I knew parts of her story but could not put all the pieces together. Now I have those pieces to complete that story in my head. However, she said something to me today that has thrown me. She called me Mama. I had been rejecting her and the other inners for a long time. I thought I had finally come to grips with these inner people.
Precious has blown my mind; why would she even think of me as her mom? Is this a distortion in her thinking? or am I the delusional? This has thrown me back to square one. I thought I was making progress. With this diagnosis of? Well, I won't put it here; it might make others see me differently. It is so sad that I have had to go through h***all my life with this diagnosis and that one only to just now find out that they had all been wrong and that they contributed to me keeping them hidden. This is all new, and I feel like ......... I don't know. They have been friendly and silent ever since the therapist insulted them.
I am not sure even if I should tell the therapist about this or keep it to myself—no more wounds.
@WorkingitThrough2
My Husband was hospitalized after a procedure in an outpatient surgical procedure. Two hours later I had to call EMS. He was admited to the hospital
@helgyafy
Hello, missing you around here? How are you doing?