My Winding Pathway

My day was actually really fantastic. The watergun painiting with 38 kids was awesome the teens and their beginning sculpture class were incredible. Then I had a really cool surprise. An artisan who I had ordered a mask from in on of the town here came to deliver the order. He met a few of my students and showed him his mask. The kids were smitten. The artist was smitten with the idea of teaching the kids. He scheduled with me a day that he is going to come here and teach 40 children how to paint wooden masks that he has carved out of coaba wood with acrylic paint. I almost didn't get this opportinity for the kids because when he wanted to visit, I originally just wanted him to go. It started to rain and we decided to sit and have a beer til it cleared up. I found out that he used to teach hopi children on the indian reservations in the US and loves the idea of teaching art to the kids for free. Another amazing connection, brought to you by not isolating and saying yes to visiting even though I felt like isolating. I'm tickled this opportunity presented itself and grateful I came out of disconnect mode long enough to take advantage of it.

Feeling unsafe when safe is so confusing. The sudden anxiety, sadness or slump that comes after having an elating experience with other people. I don't get it. The more safe and joyful I am, the stronger I get thrown against the past when it ends. I've had another couple great things happen today. Since the excitement has worn off, a blackhole is gnawing on my heart. I think my head is going to explode if my eyes don't spring a leak soon.

Like I'm riding bareback on a rubberband with nothing to hold on to. Snapping back and forth between enjoying where I am and the hellish nightmare of my past. Only it's a muted nightmare too. I see the aweful experiences without emotions inside to match the horror. Numbed and filtered for survival. So could those experiences really have been so bad if it's not causing me to hystrionically sob or scream or stomp my feet in defiance to being exploited? I doubt myself, but then, I not only see, but experience them all over again through flashbacks with photosensory details.

I'm being swallowed by so much darkness, keep reaching for the light. I'm just so tired.

I slept well believe it or not- I was surprised by it. The dogs slept in and that meant that me and a friend had to rush this morning to meet the others in our group that have been going to tour artisan workshops. We toured four clay craftsmans workshops today. This was extra exciting to me since I do a lot of work in clay.

The first is a master craftsman who makes catrinas (skeleton statues) that are shipped all over the world. He was preparing a few for shipment to London. Incredible details. He taught us how they make those delicate fingers, flowers and the molds they created for the main body work. Wow! He was the first person to introduce catrinas to his small town that previously only made pottery for cooking. Now the town is known for their catrinas all over the world. When he started, he was riduculed for wasting clay

The second was a family that was preparing for an annual competition of catrinas. Here I purchased a small catrina from one of the very few catrineras (woman who makes catrinas out of clay). It's a male dominated craft. She did exquisite detail work in acrylic instead of glaze.

The third and fourth were part of a group sponsored by an organization who supported the movement toward the use of lead free glazes. They had massive kilns and did a specialized type of painting similar to pointilism along with flowers and fish. They taught us how they made the dishes perfect each time. Their tools fascinated me because they could cut a clean line using the nylon thread from a recycled shopping bag, ground clay down using bricks on tile and lava rocks to polish the pottery. They also taught me how to make my clay stronger before moving it into the kiln, the technique of preglaze and how to polish the clay using rocks.

So it was a great day. Rained, hailed and the wind blew like crazy around 3PM. I feel good actually, hoping it lasts. Planning on finishing a masks I've been working on. I'm calling her my Inner Guardian as she is part of my inner child workshop art. I'll practice harp and read. Enjoy this peace while I can.

I've really had an amazing week. I did EMDR therapy last Wed. It was a very difficult session and I was so exhausted afterwards I went to bed at 8pm. I have slept all night without nightmares each night since and have had some very wonderful days too. I'm all for EMDR now. It's been difficult trying to find a target for this next week because I've been enjoying the calm so much. Finally figured out my targets, but even they seem muted on the distress level. I can still visualize events, but they don't have emotions attached anymore. It's an open feeling though, so I know I'm not dissociated.

YAY for EMDR!!

I had to buy a lawnmower today and it cost $400 bucks How can they cost that much?

I think I polverized some more trauma tonight in my EMDR therapy session. I got done with the session feeling good with the belief that I'm safe, I matter and I'm powerful. I do feel tired, but a good tired.

I have still been sleeping well and hope that trend continues.

So my day is going well.It started with smiles and my to do list is getting itty bitty. Ready for the class tomorrow, but the rain is threatening to take the tarps off the classroom space. Hoping for the best. I slept well again last night, connected wit friends today and in a little while I'll practice harp. Oh and I got to be a plumber for a little bit today and things seem to be working well with my repair. I'm hoping for the best there too :)

Part of me worries that the EMDR is working too fast- like it's too good to be true. I'm feeling more myself after just the four one hour and one half hour sessions. That's amazing. 've spent years in therapy and EMDR is so much faster.

I liked how my writing for the daily check in turned ot describing my life in seasons, so I decided to share it here too.

In March I felt frozen in time. Cold and detached even with glistening brilliance around me.

Through EMDR I've felt life's warm glow springing outward from darkness.

I'm definitely in summer. Warm, bright, and in full bloom.

Inevitably in growth from darkness thoughts, people, and/or habits fall away to make room for the new.

Until another f'kn growth opportunity (AFGO) arrives to once again thrust me trembling, stark naked against the chill of the past.

Haven't written in a while. I've been fighting a cold and hibernating.

I'm struggling with anger, which in turn makes me anxious.

A target for EMDR is basically a distressing memory with a negative cognition attached. I have a target list to combat a faulty negative cognition of "I don't matter". During meditation yesterday I realized there is not one of my targets that as an adult, if I witnessed the memory happening, where I would think there was something wrong with the child! Some of them make me feel sad for her, angry for her and wanting to comfort her, but not one makes me angry at, disappointed with or disgusted with the child. Angry at, disappointed in or disgusted in the behavior of the adults, but not the child. Accepting that the child was me isnt complete. I feel angry which quickly changes to anxiety. I have every right ot be angry, but expressing it feels so uncomfortable. Being with it is uncomfortable. Lots of sadness too.

So with not feeling good and being in bed to recoup, I'm also getting a wealth of time to think- thinking can be dangerous.

I was able to finally fire the masks, so the teen sculpture class will be happening tomorrow as planned. I open the kiln in the morning and hopefully everything fired ok. Teaching always feels good. Hope this cold says goodbye soon.