PTSD Diary

I feel a bit iffy now. I find it bizarre how my moods can change & I can't pinpoint why.

I feel like I can't be pleased.

I want friends but I don't want to be mithered.

I want a successful business where I have freedom but when I do have freedom I get bored & feel guilty.

I get the gym in my life but its not enough.

I caught up with my friend this weekend & I'll be out with them this weekend & I'll see family in the week, but it's not enough.

I get lonely working by myself & I'm feeling it right now. I'm sat on my own in a posh leisure club full of people.

I am working through my emotions & it's tough.

I have no real reason to feel rubbish, but I do at the minute.

I do struggle to regulate intimacy. I used to be a playboy & I struggle to curb it. Contradictory to that, I am shy of intimacy & would only take things so far. I'd be happy making out with a girl & going on a couple of dates, but taking it further was a no-no.

I've only been intimate with a handful of people. A couple of mistakes & long term relationships.

I am scared of taking my relationship to the next level & I'm not sure if its her or me.

I find it tough to regulate my emotions with regard to intimacy. I find other people attractive & feel guilty for doing so. I don't act on it, but I want to! I feel scared to talk to people because of this.

I don't feel as though anyone knows the true me & wouldn't like me if they did. I think I'm dealing with chronically low self-esteem.

Being chucked out of my old group of friends was devastating for me, even though I have zero interest in being friends with these people in the future. I gambled & acted recklessly with these people!

I can't get past that & I know its stupid!

I've ended up so guarded & hostile to the world. It never used to be this way.

I am in a dark hole as far as friends & intimacy goes!

Today is a new day!

I'm going to start journalling whether I have a good or bad day & looking at what I do on good days & what I do on bad ones. Hopefully this will show me patterns of behavior which I can change!

@wizeakre made me realize that it's very rare that I relax & do nothing, so I'm going to make a point of doing that for 20-30 minutes each day.

I took my Gran shopping last night & she was horrible. I knew she would be with it being around the time my Mom passed away. God forbid anyone aside from her having attention. Truthfully I can't stand her & hate the obligation of taking her shopping. I wish I could be more selfish & not do it for my own state of mind.

She doesn't deserve to be in my life to the extent that she is. My Grandad passing away changed the dynamic & I hate it. Thats really the issue & I can see that!

I actually feel ok this morning. I've got up, walked the dogs & meditated. I'm working from home, which I am enjoying & I'm looking forward to getting some work done.

I am glad for a day off from exercise, that will do me good also.

I feel better as I'm making changes financially that will have a huge benefit to me even now. I aim to earn more money & plough forward!

I've had another bad day.

I'm on the beginning of my journey to recovery really & I'm finding it tough!

I feel more panicky & more emotional, which is something I find tough to deal with.

I am well on with Pete Walkers book & I feel guilty for feeling bad & also not realizing bad I've felt!

It is my Moms anniversary tomorrow, which I find tough & is a big trigger for me.

I am going to work on getting out of the flashback I'm in & feeling better. I know I will tomorrow because I always do when the anniversary is over!

Thanks for the messages guys!

I'm going back to therapy.

I need to get some structure into my recovery.

I drank on Saturday & I feel guilty for it. I didn't do anything stupid, but I spent the whole weekend riddled with anxiety about it.

A lot of memories are coming back right now & I need to move forward with the relevant treatment.

I need to work on my recovery first & then work will get easier. I still feel tired today, but I know tomorrow I should be ok. I am setting realistic targets for me to achieve on a weekly basis.

It's been a while since I've updated this & things have been up & down.

I am doing a diary elsewhere, which has took up a lot of time. I will still update this, but with less frequency.

I've found out that one of my main symptoms is maladaptive dreaming (MD). I've spent A LOT of the past 10 years MDing & now I know that, I know I can move forwards.

I did have a binge on Saturday the 9th, but I have learnt from it. I need to be much more forthcoming in my real life about my issues. My recovery depends on it.

I need to do a lot of work on boundaries. Its a crucial life skill. When you mix dysfunction with zero boundaries its not a good mix. Pete Walkers book is an invaluable resource, I've taken a tremendous amount out of it.

So instead of having big goals, which are a big trigger for MD, I'm going to simply aim to be in the real world this week!

Maladaptive daydreaming is the symptom of PTSD that has ruined my life for the past decade.

I have spent over half my time fantasizing about an ideal version of myself who gets everything that I want. It may sound mad, but I know that I'm doing it. I'm aware of it & know that it isn't reality & always have done.

It's the elephant in the room that I haven't seen, which is bizarre because its swallowed at least ten years of my life.

It is what I've previously described as dissociation.

I feel really good right now, but I am wary of it. Feeling good is actually a trigger for me to MD. I can feel it coming on & use some simple mindfulness techniques to prevent it.

I am working on boundaries, as discussed here, they are really important & I'm starting small!

I think I wanted everything to magically get better in a day & it doesn't work like that.

Recovery from PTSD/addiction is like rolling a boulder up a hill, if you keep pushing, you see progress, if you stop, the boulder is going to roll back down the hill!

6 years today since my recovery from gambling addiction began.

I have had one bet for a nominal amount since then, but overall I've stayed away. It's a huge achievement & I am proud of myself.

I am continuing therapy & it's going well. I am starting to learn the dance steps needed to cope with day to day life.

I know where I want to go & I now understand where I am now. I haven't maladaptive daydreamed for over a week now. I've come close & being present is tiring, but I do feel better.

I'm slowly making progress with the new business & my daily routines.

I have tried to rescue people & ultimately fell into deep water!

I have felt worse lately, but in a good way.

I've dealt with quite a lot of low level issues. I've previously tried to be ok with a tonne of issues & I just ended up back at square one.

My girlfriend goes away tonight & I am wary that I behave whilst she is away.

I am learning it's ok not to deal with everything at once & dealing with an issue is still dealing with an issue. I think the tougher stuff that i've minimized will come through eventually. Probably when I've dealt with the low level stuff. Subconcsiously its probably why I let the low level stuff drag on.

I am hitting the gym a lot & work needs to improve, but I know I can do it. I know it's the first thing to sort out. It isn't strictly trauma related so I can sort it out.

It's been a while, but its time for me to catch up.

I do have a diary on another site, but I do enjoy coming here as well.

I've gone back to the T I was with last year. He spotted that I had PTSD & he is the only T who could see through me. It's the right decision.

Maladaptive daydreaming has been a huge issue for me in my life. I've not done it for over 30 days now & my brain is putting up a fight.

I made a big work related decision yesterday. I can't keep on working in the same way I always have. I need to look after myself & I'm not doing my Dad any favors by working like I am right now. I'm paid a full wage to do a job that could easily be outsourced for a fraction of the cost. I would say that I am in a co-dependent relationship with my Dad & I'm enabling him to go out & work.

My Dad seems unsure what he wants to do. Its like he wants to have his cake & eat it too. He wants to keep the old business with no cost & me doing the supporting stuff, but also wants me to set up the other businesses. It's one or the other. I cannot cope with both, mentally. It's not fair to me or my Dad for me to keep on in the role that I am. I am best placed doing marketing for our two new companies. It will help to shift the dynamic.

I feel really anxious lately & I think this is part of it. I can cut the business bills for 30-40% for our current business this month by earning my wage elsewhere.

This is going to be my final post on here.

I have a diary elsewhere that I use, its too much to keep 2 diaries going, mentally its exhausting.

I'm actually getting better & am putting more effort into work. I'm streamlining my efforts into one business. My relationship with my Dad is getting better & the big thing is honesty.

My symptoms still plague me, but certain areas have improved dramatically. Mainly my compulsive behaviours. Anxiety is worse right now, but it will get better. I get why it's worse at the minute. I have no unhealthy compulsions to lean on.

Im doing my best to relax, I need to learn that skill.

I'd like to thank all of you for your advice over the past year. It's hugely appreciated & I wont forget it.